AIBU to want to keep the baby

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Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

Leave the man and keep the baby if you have enough support that you'll be able to cope.

I'm sorry you have wasted 8 years with this narcissistic bully. I really hope better days come for you and your children.

I think you absolutely do need to leave him. No matter what you decide you can’t come back from this. The way he is speaking to you is vile. As for pulling the plug on your eldest’s medical treatment… To punish a 7 year old for your decision . It’s unforgivable.

I would concentrate on leaving him first , and then figure out what you want to do once you are clear of his bullying and controlling behaviour and have a chance to think straight.

What medical treatment is he pulling the plug on? Is it not readily available through the NHS? If you don't want to abort your baby, don't do it. You'll have a lifetime of regrets. I'm firmly pro-choice, but it sounds like an abortion is not what you want - and therefore you should trust your instincts.
Sending hugs - it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to be in.
Do you have a support network around you, family wise? It sounds like you'd be better off without your partner. I'm sure you'd get a decent CMS award if it came to it to help support your children.

I couldn't forgive behaviour like this! He is vile. You should leave him regardless.

You are not unreasonable to keep the baby. You would not be unreasonable to abort.

I too walked out of an abortion clinic as I couldn't go through with it. I don't regret it as I love my child but he has significant SEND and now I'm facing life alone without support and a child with such high needs he has no school place and can't cope with childcare. I can't work, socialise or even sleep a full night. I don't know how significant your eldest needs are, and you do the week alone anyway so no doubt can cope. But consider what you would do if your baby grows into a child who has high needs. My life is over, had I had the abortion it would not be

Keep the baby, abort the relationship.

@PurpleBugz, I’m concerned about you. What does “can’t cope with childcare” mean?

@CountryMumof4 Thank you. She has life threatening food allergies and currently on the NHS treatment is either non existent or a postcode lottery and extremely long waiting lists. Private treatment costs thousands (and with multiple allergies to treat tens of thousands) and we don’t have time on our sides to wait for it due to her age as being 7 in the world of allergies is quite old when it comes to the treatment being successful. Also our quality of life has been massively compromised with not being able to eat out, birthday parties, holidays abroad a nightmare etc. Just want her to be able to enjoy being a kid doing kid things like order pizza or get ice cream on a day out, something she’s never experienced.

You will never be happy now with someone who deliberately withheld medical treatment to his own child just to blackmail you.
Its over
And he could still refuse the treatment even if you had an abortion. He wants to be in control
Leave the relationship, your children deserve far better
You will be entitled to child maintenance, benefits and he will be expected to help provide for your children
It will be tough but put yourself and your children first now

Also…
look at the Sadie Bristow charity (website, Facebook or instagram)
Sadie died of anaphylactic shock due to an allergy at 9 years old
Her younger sister also has severe allergies.
Her amazing parents are educating and supporting other families through diagnosing and handling food allergies - emotionally and financially - and can help and support you through this

I'm so sorry - that sounds incredibly hard and frightening. I'm quite shocked that a father has willingly put their child at risk by pulling the plug on their treatment given the risks involved. Should he not reinstate it, could you consider crowd funding through your friend network? I have a couple of friends with children with significant medical needs, one of whom could only get the required treatment in the US. They very successfully managed to cover this through a GoFundMe campaign. Worth considering as an alternative option if you know people/local businesses that may be able to support? Feel free to PM me if you ever want to discuss or just generally sound out. I have two children who have medical needs, one of whom had extremely complex medical needs a while ago. I appreciate it can be a lonely process, particularly if a partners has distanced themselves.

What and absolute cunt that man is. And it takes a lot for me to say that. What kind of despicable human being withdraws medical treatment from their child in order to punish the mother?! If that's the way he behaves then I very much believe that he will also withdraw the treatment if you dare to leave him, even if you do have the abortion.

I am very much pro choice, with emphasis on choice. This is your choice to make. Don't be bullied into an abortion you don't want. I'm sorry your life has been taken over by this awful man. You're still young. You can build a new life for you and your children. It won't be easy, but the alternative is being stuck with someone who treats you appallingly.

Oh OP.

I think he's done irrevocable damage to your relationship anyway.

Withholding treatment for his child to blackmail you into an abortion?

This is a deeply, deeply unpleasant man. I suspect you already know this, sadly.

So let me get this straight. He kept ejaculating in you, knowingly without contraception, and is now pissed off you're pregnant.

And now he's trying to blackmail you into having an abortion by threatening to withdraw funding for your eldest child's allergy treatments.

Your relationship is over, it has to be, surely.

Your choice now is whether to have this third child alone, or just continue with the two you already have, alone.

No decent, loving man would behave like this. He's a monster.

He is abusive, so whether or not you keep the baby you should leave the relationship.

He is probably using your pregnancy as an excuse to be abusive, rather than expressing genuinely-held concerns about a third child. I say this because of his behaviour over the eldest’s medical treatment.

Even if you do what he says and have a termination, he will continue to be abusive, because that is who he is.

The central issue here is his abuse.

Lets face it, your relationship is now over no matter which decision you make.

So you might as well keep the baby if that's what you want.

Oh my goodness.

you need to separate the two issues. The baby first. Follow your OWN feelings. He’s not acting like a father, so shouldn’t be allowed to make informed decisions. Keep the baby, don’t have regrets.

secondly, I empathise re the allergies. My dd has life threatening allergies too and has needed her epipen on many occasions. Can I ask what treatment you’d be looking to pay for privately?? Are you sure you can’t get it on nhs? My daughter is 15 but was 8 when in the system of treatment. It was all fully available then.

stay strong. He sounds a knob who’s throwing his weight around to get his own way. He is vile for using his eldest child’s life as a tool to bribe you.

run for the hills and take all THREE of your gorgeous children with you

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded so far and for the kind words - it means more than you could know in these dark and uncertain times x

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He is already abusing you - what you have described is coercive control, and sounds like it may have been long before your pregnancy.

During pregnancy, domestic abuse sometimes escalates. You need to get out. Speak to family, friends and women's aid.

You still have a bit of time to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy. Get to safety first. Whatever decision you make with regard to the pregnancy would not be unreasonable.

It looks like we're all absolutely behind you. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's right for you and your babies. Post here as much as you want/need to . We've got your back. There are threads on here that span months with OPs updating or requesting support - don't hesitate to do the same if you feel it helps.

@Marshmallowandcustard thank you 🥲 I’m sorry to hear you’ve been in the same boat with allergies, the treatment is OIT but she’s allergic to milk, egg, sesame and tree
nuts. We’ve done egg already (privately) and she’s now eating a fair bit of baked egg so pleased about that. I am aware of some NHS clinics offering OIT but usually the criteria is a lot stricter and it depends on how well controlled the allergies are, how severe and if asthma is a co factor etc. She’s on a 2 year long waitlist with Guys & St Thomas’ hospital (NHS) for milk immunotherapy which would be the biggest life changer for us, otherwise I’ve just been quoted 10k to do privately . I haven’t been made aware of any other options on the NHS at the moment unfortunately but do let me know if you know something I don’t! X

Very sorry you are going through this. Would you consider giving the baby up for adoption?

@R41nb0wR0se Thank you 🥲 Oh I could write a book about everything he’s done to me over the years. So hard because he is just so nice and wonderful and loving most of the time - but then he doesn’t get his own way he’s a monster.
A typical Jekyll and Hyde.

Any man who would jeopardise his own child's medical treatment to get his own way, is a bullying pig.

You need to get you and your children away from him. Don't let them grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is acceptable.

Whether you have the baby or not is your call, not his. Whichever way you choose, thank goodness your instinct was to keep earning your own money. At least you have some sort of a career you can develop to provide for yourself and your children.

I would have the termination. It's all very well people saying keep the baby and leave him but you're not married, have a part-time job and no tertiary or job qualifications and will be looking after two young children and a baby on your own with no claim on the house. Nevertheless, I'd be planning my eventual escape from this relationship, hopefully after the successful treatment for your daughter, and with bullet-proof contraception in future. I'd be putting money aside and trying to increase my qualifications.

Why do you keep having babies with this man??? Presumably, he showed his colours to you already... There is only one way out now , as you can't go through with abortion- have third baby, divorce him and take him to dry cleaners...