AIBU to want to keep the baby

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Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

You should definitely leave him but you should not have the baby. How will you cope with 3? It would be idiotic to have it

Gosh OP. You have to leave this man regardless of whether you keep this baby. Personally I would leave him and keep it. You've been unable to go through with a termination twice and I have a feeling that if you do it will eat away at you forever. I also don't think you'll be able to get past how your husband has treated you and your other children.

Babies do come along for a reason. This one is to open your eyes and reconsider your life and situation.

If you choose to leave there is support out there. Being a single parent isn't easy but you can make it work. I've raised my four alone since the youngest was two with little financial support from their dad. However I have needed support from my family so find out how much you can get from yours.

Personally, I probably would opt not to have this baby if I decided to leave due to how much upheaval and uncertainty leaving would cause and then wanting to concentrate on my current children. I think these days you only get support for two children through the benefit system? (I had mine before it changed). However with the right support you can make it work. I agree that this situation will damage your relationship whatever the outcome at this point.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I was in your position for 22 years with my ex and finally left a couple of years ago. You think you have realised now how abusive he has been but once you leave you will be hit with realisation after realisation and it will feel like you are coming out of a thick cloud and you can finally see your life clearly.

I think you probably should have the termination even though I understand it's a tough decision to make. You won't have the mental capacity to have another baby in the position you will be. He is abusive so he will most likely not allow you to stay in the house for very long at all, even if he says he will now. You will not be able to afford looking after yourself and three kids during maternity leave, he won't be an active parent so it will all fall on you which will impact your earning capabilities. He will most likely just live in London if that's where his work is.

Basically, you cannot afford baby number 3. It would put immense stress on you on top of having to support the two you already have and trying to get well mentally after an abusive relationship.

I’d be asking for legal aid on behalf of your daughter to bring a case against him for withdrawal of the treatment due him blackmailing you.

Goodness, I am so sorry. Is there any kind of respite care available? The right kind of institutional care? I don't want to sound heartless but I am very concerned for you.

He's not a great Dad, he's withdrawn medical treatment from his child.
I think if you can find the strength to leave him your life will improve.

I'd keep the baby and get rid of the husband. I know it's easier said than done but I couldn't forgive him for how horrible he's being and an abortion at 14 weeks would be incredibly difficult to go through if it's not something you really want.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you have a supportive family please call your parents.

I'd also keep any horrible messages he's sent you in case you need them for evidence in the future.

Your relationship is over regardless at this point no matter what you decide, surely? How can you ever come back from such disgusting behaviour on his part?

He has withdrawn medical care from his daughter in an attempt to get his own way - absolutely vile.

I wouldn’t keep the baby but I would be ending the relationship and moving back to where you have family - but I know how hard it is to go it alone when pregnant and with existing children, and what it’s like to go it alone with a newborn and no support. Good luck whatever you decide

Honestly I'd terminate and leave him. He is being abusive. A baby would tie you down to him as you'd be trapped financially.

Yes, to echo a PP this is one of the worst things I have read on mumsnet. He is despicable.

Ditch the abusive asshole man and keep the baby.

Genuine question, can you continue with a pregnancy if you have leukaemia?

leukemia???
you have incurable leukemia???? And you just drop that into the mix 3 pages in?

This is just beyond crazy…..

You said in your last post that you have leukaemia. That's a whole load more stress sitting alongside everything you are dealing with, even if it is being well managed, and your partner behaving as he has done adds a whole new layer of abuse by him into the equation. What have the medics who are managing your illness advised about the pregnancy? Would it have an impact on your long-term treatment and well-being?

By putting you and your mental and physical health first above everyone and everything else, you'll be in a stronger position to look after your children and make good decisions for all of you. It's a horrible situation to be in, but you're sounding clearer and clearer.

You've been a mug. Sorry but this 'oh but he has a caring side and I lurve him' is bollocks. Grow a spine, for the sake of your children if nothing else. Have the baby if you want, but you'll be doing it alone.

Wait what?

Exactly @RandomButtons

I’d terminate too and leave.

Has he said why he doesn’t want it?

His anger is out of control with taking it out on his other child.

But he really doesn’t want a third it seems.

It sounds like you’ve fallen into a pattern of “I’m right” and “you’re wrong”. You both think the other one is being unreasonable.

he is being unreasonable to hurt his older child.

However I can understand the feeling of not wanting another child.

Id ask for his honest reasons. There’s some big fear underneath all the anger.

Hes had two already, after all. Going from two to three is a huge step psychologically (as well as bedrooms, holidays etc long term) and maybe he’s not ready and for that reason he’s gone berserk.

It’s a fear based behaviour id say. I’d get some couple counselling asap and try to lever it out of him. What is he so afraid of?

But if he won’t agree to counselling I’d terminate and leave. Why have more kids with someone who won’t go the extra mile? Do the work, try to be a better person?

@GreatGateauxsby @RandomButtons Yes, it’s leukaemia. But with the medication I take it’s possible to live a long, healthy life. It’s called CML and I was diagnosed just after I turned 21, so I’ve been living with it for the last 7 years and no sign of going anywhere yet.

You have leukaemia?? Ok, scratch my last post. I don’t know the medical ins and outs of pregnancy with this medical issue.

OP it sounds like you need to put yourself first. However you do that. You also sound like you’re in co-dependent relationship. You may benefit from therapy. Alone, possibly together but long term id be surprised if the relationship can survive. I wish you all the best with your treatment.

I think the relationship was over the minute he decided to withhold your 7 yr olds treatment, what kind of man can do that to his own child!

It's bound to be a very scary time for you, but first step is definitely to make a plan of action of how you can separate (and eventually divorce) what that means for you financially, work, childcare and maternity leave when applicable. Once you have these things clearer in your head, you'll get more determined in practice.

I wish I had something to suggest regarding the allergies but I see some helpful posters have covered that.

Stay strong OP, you're clearly a good mum and that counts for everything for your kids xx

Leave him. You will cope better than you think. He’s not there most of the time anyway, and you have a supportive family.

I could not abort a wanted baby. Please have some counselling before making that choice because it’s impossible to know how you’ll feel afterwards.

What will the affects on your leukaemia be if you continue a pregnancy to term OP! I think that's a really crucial consideration.

You'll (quite rightly) never forgive him for withdrawing your daughters medical treatment, so the relationship is unsalvageable and you can't make it a consideration.

You need to leave him either way. The question needs to be whether you still want to continue the pregnancy as a single parent to three children or whether that isn't the right thing for you and the existing children. There's no morally right or wrong decision here, you need to do what you have to do.

I would advise some counselling around the termination decision which I believe marie stopes offers