AIBU to want to keep the baby

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Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

I couldn't ever move past what he's done to his own child denying her important medical treatment to force you to have an abortion you dont want. He's disgusting. Don't have an abortion you don't want, that could cause you a lot of mental harm. He's not going to be able to do 50/50 or anything with his job, so I'd be considering seperating quickly maybe you could use child maintenance to continue your eldest's medical treatment. If he's got a shred of decency left in him he'll reinstate it once he realises he can't control you this way. Please make a record of what he's doing and saying and when and make a copy of anything written, screenshot texts incase you need them.

This 100%.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago (although my husband was supportive) I now have an 8yo, 2yo and a 1yo. My husband is away most of the week so it’s just been me. It’s been nowhere near as hard as I thought it would be. I would have regretted the abortion my whole life but I don’t regret my lovely son. You will be fine!

I wouldn’t ever be able to look at him the same again. Can you leave and stay with family if you have any support?

Your relationship is over either way. He is awful.

You need to make this decision based on you being single. Absolutely keep the pregnancy if that's what you want to do, but consider it based on the finances and practicalities of being a single parent (with a very unpleasant and difficult ex).

TBH I never understand these people who have sex without comtraception and are then surprised/upset when they get pregnant.

You were ttc (because let’s be honest, if you weren’t using contraception then you were ttc) and now you’re pregnant. You both made this baby and now you need to decide whether it’s really what you want.

Regardless of your decision this relationship is over, your partner’s behaviour has made that abundantly clear.

Only you can decide what to do about the baby, but tbh in your situation I would terminate the pregnancy.

This isn’t just about how hard it will be to cope with three on your own, it’s about so many other factors.

People casually say “he will have to pay maintenance,” but we all know that’s often not how it works. Over 50% of fathers don’t pay maintenance towards their children, and the CMS is less than effective. So although in an ideal world he will pay maintenance, you need to look at how you’re going to manage if he doesn’t, which is a real possibility given he’s already shown that he’s prepared to use money as a weapon.

Also I would consider the impact on all of the children of being divided i.e. where a father will potentially take two of them off for the weekend refuses to have a relationship with the youngest. The impact of knowing they’re the one responsible for their parents not being together that will have on the baby, and also the impact on the older two of knowing that their younger sibling is the reason why their parents aren’t together and the impact that could have on their relationship with their sibling. Because I don’t doubt he’s the type to tell the DC the “truth” as he sees it as opposed to the real truth.

And yes, the children may realise as they get older, but that’s not going to happen for a while, if it even does.

Ultimately only the one carrying the baby can decide what to do, No-one can tell you that “you will regret the termination” because nobody knows that. Equally nobody can tell you that “you’ll never regret going through it the pregnancy” because, as much as people never like to admit, it’s possible that you might. People do. A PP on this thread has admitted that while she doesn’t regret her baby, the circumstances have meant that it’s destroyed her life, so I suspect if she could go back she may have made a different decision.

This needs to be about the bigger picture, not just the here and now.

If he’s pulled the plug on your eldest’s treatment you have absolutely no choice but to leave him. Baby or no baby. What a fucking pig of a man.

I echo many comments that say to ditch this man. I appreciate we all have different opinions but you chose to have unprotected sex and as an adult, you know the consequences of that. A child is not a commodity for you to dispose of at your leisure if timing doesn't suit. Posts like this anger me, especially as someone desperately trying and failing to have a child. Probably not what you want to hear but I say you face up to your responsibilities, ditch your husband and claim every penny due to you (from him!) to allow you to support the new addition in your family. You all deserve better.

So hard because he is just so nice and wonderful and loving most of the time - but then he doesn’t get his own way he’s a monster.A typical Jekyll and Hyde

Don’t be fooled. The real him isn’t the nice man, it’s the monster. ‘Nice’ is a mask he wears.

Have the baby! Get some legal advice and support and get rid of him - for your own and your DC’s safety. Someone who can stop his child’s medical treatment to punish you isn’t safe to be around, and I wouldn’t trust him one inch.

He sounds traumatised. Chances are he is just panic stricken. Whether he leaves or not is his decision. Whether you have the baby is yours. You could have the abortion then hd could leave anyway. I read a few more posts. His behaviour is pretty poor by any standards. Too controlling by half.

This. Anyone who would stop their child's treatment to blackmail you into something is not nice wonderful or a good father. Put up with this and you teach your dd that this is ok. It is not. I don't get shocked much but that he has stopped her treatment has shocked me. It's absolutely disgusting.

This sounds so unbelievably stressful op. Sending you a big hug. I don't have great advice but as a single mother who left a very bad relationship I want to reassure you that you can and will be much much happier without this man and you'll cope no problem. Xxxxx

Hi OP. In this situation you need to keep the baby. You clearly want it and aborting it will destroy your marriage anyway. I would tell his parents and your parents about his behaviour and let him justify it to them. Hopefully it will make him realize what a monster he is being. That said I don't think you can come back from this OP so I'd make plans to separate.

As an aside, I've found quercetin to be a really good supplement for my daughter's allergies and asthma. Not sure if it can help your DD but maybe worth exploring when all else calms down. I also agree with PP maybe do a crowdfunding page if you know alot of people. Best if luck xx

I'm afraid you really need to think about your role in all this OP.

Yes, he sounds like an abusive and coercive man but you are painting yourself as a completely passive character in the story which is worrying and not completely accurate by the sounds of it. You obviously decided to have unprotected sex with your abusive partner knowing that another baby would be a possible outcome and that your partner might not be supportive of this. You knew your financial and housing situation and yet still effectively was TTC a third child. If you had posted on this forum before the child was conceived then you would be given very different advice because it was madness and a completely irresponsible to get pregnant in these circumstances.

What is done is done now but you need to start to take ownership of your situation and to plot a future for yourself and two existing children first and foremost. You aren't married so you won't be entitled to any of his assets and he may be reluctant to pay maintenance. Things like paying for private treatment for your child's allergies will be a distant dream if you're relying on the state to support you and three children. I'm absolutely not saying you should stay with him but you need to confront the cold reality of your situation and assess properly what having a third baby would mean in terms of splitting the limited resources you will have and how it will impact your ability to build a life for you all.

He's not a great dad - why do people always trot this out when it comes to horribly abusive men?

He's just cancelled potentially life saving treatment for your daughter to punish you - he's a fucking terrible dad.

You can't stay with someone who would use your child's health and your mental health to get his own way.

His behaviour since the pregnancy is one thing, but both of you were incredibly irresponsible by having unprotected sex, and you for expecting him to change his mind.

It is done now. Realistically, can you afford to stay in the house if he decides he's not actually covering it? Can you house, feed and clothes yourself and 2 children, all on your part time wage? Can you afford childcare for the baby? If he's withdrawing medical support for your oldest, who's to say he'll actually support financially, and you won't be left to do it all. He's certainly a wicked individual, but there's some very real considerations that need to be thought of, above wanting to keep another baby.

OP, this is a very precarious situation you are in which you have now realised and you have all my sympathy. Please don’t panic. Try to think clearly about your future.

I think you know in your heart that after his abhorrent threat to withdraw treatment for your little girl, it is now impossible to continue this relationship.

Therefore you must think very practically now, about how you are going to provide a home for yourself and your two children away from him.
Given you have no rights on the house you live in, where will you go to live ?
What would your outgoings be ?
What will you be entitled to in terms of benefits and child maintenance and is it enough to cover outgoings ?
How generous/difficult will your ex partner likely to be ?
How will you provide child care while you are bringing in the sole income ?
Can you increase your earnings ?
How can family and friends provide long term help ?
What other organisations could help ?

Once you have considered those points and come to an honest and clear answer, only then can you decide what to do about your pregnancy.

You must consider that you alone will be responsible to house and feed yourself and your children. You and you alone will be responsible for providing a pension for yourself.
You will likely also want to consider how you will cope if you go ahead with the pregnancy and the new baby also has health issues.

Only you can make the decision but I suggest you go to your family to talk this all through very thoroughly so that you can make the decision with confidence.
I’m sorry it’s going to be so tough to make that decision but I wish you all the very best.

This. I'm not saying everyone else is wrong, they're not, in an ideal world you would LTB. If he's pulled the plug on the private treatment now he's not going to carry on paying for it if you leave. The baby is irrelevant really, your relationship is over either way, I genuinely see no way back however you're not married so you'll be left with nothing. If he's clever then he will get out of paying maintenance.

Great advice here. Good luck OP

This is a harsher/firmer version of what i would have posted.

I am firmly pro choices but due to your previous choices your current choices are (honestly) all pretty crap.
The reality of 3 children is it is BEYOND HARD.
He is red flag central ans def abusive but....You do play a role in all this too.

Being a single parent to 3 on low income with an abusive ex is no walk in the park and not something I'd choose so think hard about the long term.

Personally, I would prob see this as a turning point, abort and get counselling, up my income and look to leave.
I say this and someone who would LOVE a third btw.

How upsetting, of course you want to keep the baby. Tell him so, you won’t enter into any discussion whatsoever, your mind is made up. He either accepts it, or the marriage is over. Good luck OP, wishing you all the very best for the future.

Gosh he's an appalling Dad, imagine withdrawing child medical care as a blackmail device. It's genuinely one of the worst things I've read on MN. Please leave this awful man.

I completely agree, three children, alone, no house and with little or no financial or practical support will be horrendous.

YANBU for wanting to keep your child. In your shoes I'd be having the baby.

You need to speak to your family and friends urgently to tell them about your situation and see what support they can give you.

If my DD came to me in this situation, she could come back home for as long as she wanted.

Whatever happens, you MUST leave this "man" as a matter of urgency.

Best of luck to you OP.