AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

I can’t adequately describe how happy I am to hear that you didn’t force yourself to go through with the abortion. I’ve thought about this thread from time to time over the past year+ and always wondered what happened. Congratulations on your precious little boy.

What’s the situation with you and his dad?

Very happy to hear it all worked out, OP!

Oh my God. How can you even look at a man who put you through that? I'm emotionally wrung out after just reading it. Look at that baby. He wanted you to kill it. Then look at him 'the adoring dad' willing to let your eldest suffer anaphylaxis to bully you into killing your youngest.

He stuck to his guns enough you took an abortion pill.

How are you still sharing a bed with him.

Leave him. You're living with an enemy in your own home.

Or maybe he just felt forced into having another child regardless of his feelings at the time. There's always different perspectives. Contraception isn't just the man's responsibility unfortunately.

If you read her responses they weren't using contraception because they talked about having a child together.

He then tried to force her to have a medical procedure by withdrawing his other child's medical treatment.

Can you not see that that is the action of a psychopath or at best a narcissist? That's not remotely normal behaviour.

If he didn't want to raise the child he had the option to leave. He doesn't have the option to remove her bodily agency and punish his eldest child.

Are you the dad?

Also he's 40 or 41, they got together at 33 and his eldest is 7. She's 26 (already very unpleasant that he's chasing barely legal teens)

Either way this 40 yr old man had his da phone her da to intimidate him. That is high level multigenerational toxicity.

All his behaviour is very different to someone raising not being sure about another child and wanting to talk about options .

This.

I hope you will look into couples therapy - he treated you so badly, and on top of that stopped your daughter's treatment. That's abusive control.

I also hope he has kept his word of putting you on the deeds of the house. You are in such a precarious position, being so financially dependent on him while not married.

He didn’t end up stopping her treatment or any of the things he said he would do.
Her treatment obviously costs thousands of pounds so he was saying he would have to stop paying for it if I went ahead with the pregnancy because we wouldn’t be able to afford to live. The treatment is a luxury and most people who have allergies can’t afford to do it. He was worried how we’d cope and finances etc and how our other two children would be, I’m not defending his actions I’m just explaining the reasons why. Obviously the first half of my pregnancy was traumatic, and I won’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me now because it does. And when my baby was first born I couldn’t bare to look at him for a long time. But he has been remorseful and I can see that the way he acted does eat away at him and it does make me sad because he’s been the most wonderful addition to our lives. I don’t know what the future holds for us truly but for now things are ok, I don’t need advice on whether I should or shouldn’t be with him.. I know what he did was wrong on many levels but I can handle it for the sake of my children. I just wanted to update all of you who had been so kind to me last year when I was really struggling.

It's not helpful to your children to stay with a vindictive and abusive man.

At the very least insist he marries you for financial security if you're staying with the controlling abusing narcissist.

You are defending him.

Please at least sort out your financial situation and get your name on the house. You would have more rights if you were married but I wouldn't want to marry him in your shoes.

And please look at counselling for both of you.

My name is on the deeds now, and although I don’t really want to marry him I will consider it for further financial stability. Also, I’m 30 next year not 26, not that that changes how young I was when we first met.
One thing I do know, that a PP hit the nail on the head with is the multigenerational toxicity in his family. They are all extremely work and money orientated, not so much “family” people. They all lack emotion and look at everything in a very black and white way, and his childhood sounded pretty horrendous so I know he lacks the capacity to keep a level and thoughtful head when life throws a curveball, and because all of his family are the same he just thinks it’s normal to throw the worlds biggest tantrum when things don’t go as planned and then one day the switch flips and they all forget about it and act as if nothing happened. He doesn’t really have anyone to talk things through with when life gets tough because they all just fuel the fire even more.

I’m glad things have turned out okay for you OP. I suggest quietly taking steps in the background to ensure your financial security in the future is not dependent on him. Things may be stable now, but you know what he is capable of. I’d be discretely setting some money aside as an emergency fund if you do need to leave him in a hurry. I hope everything works out for you.

Congratulations on your lovely son.
I hope you can find some way forward with your partner, either together or apart, that will break this dysfunctional cycle in his family.
I am sending you good wishes for the future.

My name is on the deeds now

Can I ask how that happened-is the house owned outright and he's signed half of it over to you or is it still under a mortgage?

Does your partner understand the hell he put you through?! I’m a stranger on the internet, and just in reading your account of what was happening, your pain and suffering were so visceral to me. What is he doing to work towards being a better person?

I hear you .. obviously we’ve had conversations about it since and he says he does feel immense guilt both towards me and our son. He calls him special and says he couldn’t imagine life without him. There’s a twinge of sadness for me when he says all that though.. there will always be this whole thing lurking over us in the background. He’s super hands on, he gets up with the kids in the morning and gives me lie ins I’d say 70% of the time.. he’s super affectionate to us all.. he’s kind and caring and tells me how amazing our kids are and how happy he is. He quit his job in London and came back to be with us all permanently, he’s trying to build a better life for us all etc. He’s like a completely different person. He was scared and didn’t know how to handle it but he’s left me with so much pain and trauma from the whole thing I don’t really know if I’ll ever get over it, I probably won’t. But for now I’m just coasting along with it all because tbh I need him and generally I am quite happy with how everything is for now. So I’ll just have to see.

Such a happy ending.

Until the next time your abusive partner decides to be a cunt. And now you have 3 children reliant on you.

I'm also wondering why you were even allowed to take the "abortion pills" at 14 / 15 weeks. It should have been a surgical abortion at that gestation.

You may well be right

However I didn’t choose to update you all on my relationship, just on the fact that I did decide to keep the baby. I’ve been answering questions as best as I can but I don’t really want to speak about it anymore. It’s obviously a very triggering topic for me and I don’t really want to keep going over what a cunt he was, I know he was.

Are you trying to imply that I’ve lied about this whole thing? I took the pill when I was 14 weeks roughly, I think they said you could take them up to 16 but tbh all the little details I’ve blocked out.

The pills are only suitable for gestation of up to 10 weeks. This was the advice from BPAS in 2023 (for a termination for medical reasons)

So yes I was querying why you were given them at 14/15 weeks.

I was given them by my local NHS hospital not BPAS, I think they may have even done it up to 18 weeks. Anyway I only took the first one, never went back for the second and it was the best decision I ever made.

I hope everything turns out for the best for you, whatever that looks like. Congratulations again on your son.

I'm glad it all worked out.

Please be mindful that this is not the usual outcome of taking just one of the pills though (I'm being purposely euphemistic here)

I'm sure you wouldn't want to peddle disinformation to people who might be in a similar, vulnerable situation with regards to having reservations about their termination. Taking one pill but not the second doesn't guarantee a successful pregnancy.

How am I “peddling” misinformation though?
I vividly remember lying in my childhood bed at my parents house thinking wtf have I done? I remember having pains (no bleeding) and I rang the consultant at the hospital stating that I’d changed my mind and I didn’t want the second and she said that it was a case of waiting and seeing, and if nothing happened after a few days I’d go in for a scan and that’s what I did.

I’m not saying this would happen for everyone at all, I was extremely lucky that it didn’t. I’m simply stating my own experience on my own thread!

Thank you for your kindness 💐