AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

Taking your partner out of the equation for a minute. There is absolutely no way I'd be having a third child under these circumstances. It will end you. I can only speak for myself but I'd definitely be having an abortion and 100% be tightening up my contraception.
You'll be going from having a reasonable life to no life on your own. Same goes for your existing children. Some may not agree but it's important to consider all views. See a trained counsellor.

Either way, you will never forgive him.
You will now resent this man for the rest of your life for how he is acting.

I would leave him, claim maintenance and do what I want with my children.

But yeah I wouldn't be wanting a 3rd child now. It's unfair, it's unfair on that child if he really does have nothing to do with it, imagine that little girl or boy growing up wondering why there dad doesn't see them but sees the others. Makes me tear up just thinking about t so I would get the abortion but I'd abort the man too.

Whatever decision you make will ruin the relationship, abortion and you’ll resent him forever, keep the baby and he’ll resent you forever. ‘Sort it out’ he says, when he knows you’re not on contraception? Wanker. It takes 2 to tango.

He’s horrible, controlling, abusive, telling you what you can and can’t do career-wise? Bloody hell, I’d be working out what you get if you leave him.

What a nasty horrible man pulling medical treatment like that. You need to leave him. Huge red flag. Leave this cruel man and bring up your three children on your own

You have already made the decision to keep your baby - so keep that strength to keep going with your pregnancy. When you see your midwife, let her know about your situation, so she can support you.
You already know that you can cope with being a single parent, as you do so all week. You will be able to manage in the longer term.
You can not stay with this man, as he is truly nasty - sadly he probably targeted a younger woman in order to be able to get and (try) to keep control. Make contact with someone like Woman's Aid to get some support as to how to move forward.
Good luck for your future - one day at a time ❤️

Please don't do nursing. It's NOT family friendly. Long hours, exhaustion. I've been a nurse it's incredibly stressful. I'm a podiatrist now in the NHS. The career progression is much faster. You'll get a band 6 in a year. It's 9 to 5 with weekends off. If you go private you an earn unlimited. I did private for a year and earned an average 5 k a month sometimes 10k. Nursing you'll get stuck in band 5 for years and work a hours. You can't do that on your own.

A good dad would not pull his child out of treatment for a life threatening allergy. He’d rather risk her go into anaphylaxis in the future than get his own way. I’ve never met a good dad who was happy to risk having his child die just to control his wife. A good father puts his children first.

Where will you live when he tells you to leave? He is giving no indication he will actually let you stay given he is already punishing you. Could you even afford the bills on your wage?

I would carefully consider what life will be like if you have to leave the house and there are any issues with him paying maintenance e.g quitting, going abroad etc.

But whatever happens I would leave him

The thing is, if you give in on this, the threat to withhold your oldest child's treatment will come out again as soon as there is anything you disagree about. This is a man who will happily put his child's life at risk to get his way. I can't express how awful that is.

Keep it.

This is why we need to campaign against the government’s proposed loosening of abortion law. We have very sensible laws at the moment. Allowing abortion more easily and for longer will put women at risk because of pressure from men.

He may be trying threatening you but have you ever stood up to him. He sounds like a man who is used to getting his own way. I would tell him your intentions and ask him to leave and stop bullying you and your child! He will either calm down and realise he is being an idiot or carry on. You have tried twice and you can’t do it. You know the impact this will have on you. Bring a single parent if 3 won’t be easy but if you have support I’m sure you will be ok.

To everyone who is asking me why I’ve been so irresponsible having more children with him etc…. We have always had a very difficult relationship. I’ve left him before, and he only has to look at me a certain way for all to be forgiven. Listen, I’ve been with the guy since I was 19. He was basically the first man I’ve ever loved, he promised me the world but in reality we’re not married, I’m financially dependent on him and it’s been made to be a completely one sided/co-dependent relationship. Of course I never wanted this for any of my children, I feel bad enough as it is without people highlighting the blatantly obvious. My children love him (despite of course him using the abhorrent tactic of withdrawing my daughters treatment, she obviously doesn’t know this) and when we’re all together we’re a proper family and it’s felt wonderful, so I’ve just been clinging on to that really and hoping that this would be it for us and everything would be ok because it genuinely felt like it was. I’ve never known anything else since I was 19 and I was very vulnerable at the time, my parents (who are not poor contrary to what another poster suggested) were happy for me to have met a “nice” man and move to London but ever since it’s just been one blow after another and as you can imagine now they completely despise him for what he’s done to me and the children (for which none of you even know the half of it). The thing is, unless you’re in a situation like this, you wouldn’t understand. It’s not easy to just leave someone who has such a nice and caring side to them as well, it’s weird, it makes you just forget all of the bad stuff because you desperately want to cling on to all of the good stuff and to keep your family together. Obviously this is it now, and yes I know I’ve been stupid getting pregnant a 3rd time to this man, everything was going so well for us up until this happened and of course I feel completely responsible but I did tell him I’m not taking contraception (I have leukaemia and going back on my meds after having my last baby completely wiped me out and I couldn’t cope with taking anything else at the time). It was probably only a few times (but yes enough I know) before I realised I was pregnant and I was surprised as he has always used other methods to protect himself which always worked for us but he just didn’t and then when I found out about the baby at first I was going to have an abortion but at the clinic I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Anyway the enormity of the situation has sunk in now, leaving him and no going back this time. I’m going to take some time off work and despite the fact I didn’t want the abortion I think maybe I really have no choice, I need to put the 2 children I have first as I think I could make an ok life for us but with a 3rd I think everything would be much harder.

He’s not a great dad though, is he?

Have you been for your 12 week scan yet? You say you are about 14 weeks, that's very much a baby, not a cluster of cells or whatever people try to pass it off as. With your 3rd you'll be showing and feeling movements very soon.

You need to refer for midwife services. You're missing important appointments for your health aswell as your baby's.

He's abusive and controlling, and he's actively hurting your child by removing medical treatment to punish you.

You need to leave him, whether you choose to keep the baby as a single mother is entirely your choice and you would manage, plenty of women do. You've survived this relationship, you're strong

Most abusers are like this otherwise they wouldn’t convince to people to stay with him. This isn’t a good situation for two children to be in. You have 3 options 1) abort the pregnancy and continue to bring 2 children up in an abusive home (where they will be impacted by the abuse) but oldest gets medical treatment 2) abort the pregnancy and leave your partner so your children aren’t abused but potentially no medical treatment or delay until she has had it 3) continue with the pregnancy and raise 3 children by yourself who aren’t abused but potentially no medical treatment for the oldest

None of the choices are ideal.

What? Give the baby up and then stay with her dick of a partner?

He is a monster. He stopped your elder child’s medical treatment in order to force you to have an abortion? That is a man you cannot stay with.

Gosh this is tough. Sending hugs

I think your last post is the right decision. It’s not an easy choice but for the sake of you and your existing children it’s the right choice. Take care.

Well done OP.
You are now thinking clearly and considering your options properly.
You swept the bad bits of the relationship away as you couldn’t bear to face them …hid them out of sight behind the good bits because you couldn’t face up to the truth your vulnerable situation.

Life is really hard for today’s young parents and I don’t envy you this decision but I think you are on the right track to make the best of a sad situation, especially with family support.
You are still young and life will be good again. You can get past this. All the very best !

I'd terminate.

You need to think about the baby. Imagine how a child would feel, their father coming to see his other children but wanting nothing to do with you? Please do not put a child through that. It would be cruel.

You still need to leave your partner as well though.

You poor thing. He sounds hideous and the blackmail over treatment for your eldest shows no love for any of you. I'm so sorry your in this situation

Your relationship is text book abuse. For a start, a perpetrator will often seek a much younger partner, because they’re easier to manipulate, control and isolate, making them more reliant on the perpetrator and less likely to leave. Once in the relationship, the perpetrator will seek to control everything the person does, ideally isolating them from friends and family so there is less people to point out the obvious to the victim, and creating a dependency on them financially and for housing, to limit the opportunities for the person to leave. If children come along it’s typical for abuse to increase, and once the children are here, the abuser will use the children to make the victim feel guilty, to further control her. Add in efforts from the perpetrator to systemically destroy their victim’s self esteem and his position as king of the castle, master of all is secure. The victim will of course know something is wrong and we know that it takes MANY attempts to leave a relationship like this.
The impact of staying on your children is significant, both in the short and long term. Research tells us kids exposed to relationships like this are more likely to suffer with their mental health, to struggle at school, and as adults will be more likely to tolerate abuse in their own relationship. Of course, most notably the victim will at times deny the child something essential, like private medical treatment, to punish the victim in to being more compliant.

Now you’ve decided to leave the abuse will likely increase. Steps you should take should be googling the name of your county and domestic abuse to find local face to face support who can help you devise a plan to leave safely, such as leaving while he’s working away, not giving him your new address, figuring out how contact will work etc. You can also contact the police and share information with them. You also need to get yourself to the housing office and ask them
what your options are. You will be considered a priority. It’s also very important you tell friends and family EXACTLY he is like, in all the gory detail. They will help to keep you safe and support you when you have a wobble about whether you’re doing the right thing. Finally, once you’re out, I highly recommend going to your local children’s centre and asking them to sign you up for the freedom programme. All of these things may feel hard but remember, you have survived this relationship so you know you can do hard things, but this time you’ll gain freedom, independence and peace. Good luck. You’ve got this 💪🏻💕

This is so tough OP and I really feel for you. He has played you like a fiddle - snared you in your teens so he could mould and control you, stratigically avoided marrying you or putting your name on the house deeds, controls the money but thwarted your career prospects and now he's blackmailing you into an abortion by withdrawing potentially life saving treatment for your daughter. He's a monster and you are his plaything and domestic slave.

There is no easy way around this. The relationship is over for sure, so you need to confide in your family so they can help you get away from him and decide about the pregnancy. If he has a salaried job CMS should ensure you receive reasonable maintenance, but be prepared for him to show his true monster character when you leave and he realises that giving you "that look" isn't going to work any more.