AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

@dontcryformeargentina She can't divorce him and take him to the cleaners. She'll be out on her ear with nothing. They are not married and she won't be a partial owner of the house. Did you not read what she said in her first post?

@GreyTonkinese Totally valid points. I’d just like to reiterate in no way have I ever not wanted qualifications/ to work full time etc, it’s just been very difficult being a young mum and trying to establish a career at the same time. I actually wanted to go to uni a couple of years ago to do Nursing but he didn’t want me to do Nursing as he said it was a terrible choice of career as he’d “never see me” so he persuaded me to do art and design instead, which I have done absolutely nothing with since. I work in HR now.

OP, HR is a great field to develop your career in flexibly around childcare! Do make use of the CIPD forums and your local branch for careers advice!

@dontcryformeargentina sounds stupid and cliche but when things are good they are very good, he is a great dad and there are lots of nice qualities about him too - I’ve been fixating on those too much I know and I just need to accept that he is a narcissist and he will never truly love me because the only person he really loves is himself.

OP, I'm so sorry. Truly. Also very pro-choice but if you want this baby and terminate because you were bullied into it, you will feel far worse than you will dealing with a baby as a single mother.

What happens when your oldest DD realizes he rescinded healthcare from her to insist you have an abortion? He's not fit to parent ANY children if he's so cavalier with his current ones. He may be nice sometimes but eventually your DC will realize you didn't protect them from their unpredictable and cruel father.

I wasn't suggesting the original poster didn't want to get qualified and better earning capacity. I think your partner has been very clever in making sure you have very little autonomy and few options. First of all he encouraged you not to work for the first five years. Then when you actually wanted to go to university to do nursing which is a useful vocational qualification with I gather practically guaranteed employment he persuaded you to do art and design instead which is a considerably less useful degree in terms of employment (apologies to all artistic people). He said he'd never see you but he works away all week leaving you with all the childcare.

Am I right in assuming, you don't have educated financially stable parents who would be willing and able to support you? I suspect not, because he would have been less likely to have picked you if he had. If you were my daughter I'd have warned you very carefully that what you were doing put you in a very vulnerable position even with one child. I'd be appalled if any child of mine was in this position, son or daughter. What I see is when he was 33 he took up with a 19 year old so he could be in charge and has kept you very much in your place ever since with you having to ask for money like a child. Why hasn't he married you after 2 children and say 8 or so years together?

Lordy. This man is vile.
He pounced upon you when you were 15 years younger than him, and only a teenager; knocked you up, and then has expected you to live by his rules.
I’m absolutely pro-choice, but what you do re: current pregnancy feels somewhat secondary to me. You have two kids already, and he’s willing to withdraw medical treatment from one of these, just to control you.
Get. Rid.
I promise you that being a single parent - whether it’s with 2 or 3 children - will be better than this.

Keep the baby and LTB.
seriously.

FFS you are at 14 weeks now. You obviously want the baby. Why shouldn't you. The man is f-ing controlling and abusive.

Run. No matter you keep the baby.
Tbh I wouldn't. I would plan a life, an education for myself and 2 children.

If the treatment is paid for call them and say you don’t want a refund. Try bringing the appointments forward too.

hes a monster. He’s not a good father. He’s evil. And you are trauma bonded/Stockholm syndromed/whatever. But to imagine this man is a good person just because he isn’t cruel ALL the time is not right.

I’ve been there, I’m not judging at all I promise. But people get grumpy occasionally yes - that’s normal. But cruelty, abusive language or behaviour, actively prevents them from being a good person.

As people always say, even hitler loved animals. Bad people are not bad 24/7 nor in every area of their life. They can help little old ladies cross the road with genuine concern, then whisper in your ear that you’re a whore just because they’re irritated by your existence. Trust me. And that’s what makes them terrifying - they blend in with the rest of us.

to be honest, he sounds like a man who won’t like to be humiliated so id up and leave with the kids and tell him you’re going to shout from the rooftops that he’s terminating treatment for his own child to blackmail you into terminating his baby. But leave the house first - be safe. Stay with family. And 100% call the police and tell them this. Go to the gp and tell them also and ask for mental health help. Call women’s aid. And most importantly keep ALL correspondence from him where he is abusive and threatens stuff stored somewhere safe he cannot delete it. Email it to yourself of save it in a locked Dropbox or whatever. You’ll want all this for custody.

seriously seriously, there’s nothing more wonderful than sitting on a little sofa in a family members home, or a shitty little emergency bedsit, wherever (!) and suddenly realising you’re safe (physically and emotionally). You might be poor. You might have to sleep on the floor of a friends. It’s so much better than living in a castle with a monster.

do you have joint accounts? Do you have your name on the mortgage? On the car? Would you get maternity leave? Could you claim UC and how much would child support be. Do you want to leave him - or know deep down that you should? All questions you need to find the answers to. Is he liable to be violent to you or the children? Because if you can avoid it in any way, don’t give up a baby if you don’t want to. The hurt never goes away.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/criminal-law-information/coercive-control-and-the-law/

The relationship does really sound like one based on control and coercion. Given that you were 19 at the start, the age difference would indicate unequal power. Whatever you do, don’t leave your children. The effect in their lives would be immense, knowing that their mum decided to leave them. Should you have the baby? I do think, from what you’ve said, that aborting would have an immense adverse impact on you. I’d suggest getting some legal advice on what you’d be entitled to and how the process flows. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

@raffathegaffa in what world does cancelling life changing treatment for your daughter to blackmail you into aborting her sibling - make him a great dad?

He isn’t a great dad. He isn’t a good man.

Hes a selfish manipulative wanker that bullies and blackmails you into toeing his line and doing as he pleases or you will face consequences..

whatever you do after this decision.. get legal advice. You aren’t married, no recourse to his assets, he’s got you right where he wants you. Trapped and reliant on him.

id rather leave and live a life worth living with my children near family or support networks than stay in his home. The children will have a happier healthier mother and whilst treatment may take longer there are plenty of support networks and maybe fundraising that can be done in the interim if he won’t support treatment costs.

Does he fear others perception of him? If his friends etc found out about his blackmail would he be ashamed? Asking out of curiosity not suggesting it. Wondering if he saves his assholeness for you or if everyone knows what a dickhead he is..

Oh god!

Please keep the baby. Nobody can force you into anything you don't want.

Withholding medical treatment is awful. I'd see if the police would be interested in that as a form of blackmail?

"...he is a great dad..." He is NOT a great dad, he is a horrible father who would risk his child dying to punish his partner. That is SICK!!!

I don't think I read anything in the OP's posts to indicate that she would even remotely consider adoption.

…and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage.

TIL that we should assume all young women in abusive relationships with older men have poor and uneducated parents. 🙄

I knew a girl whose parents were well-off, academically oriented types who pushed her to succeed, always. She had low self-esteem because she felt like she could never be “perfect” enough, and that contributed to her staying in an abusive relationship.

He has killed the relationship, and you must know in your heart of hearts that it's over.

You seem to have a keen awareness that the relationship never had solid foundations, and has been conducted with power very unevenly distributed from the getgo.

He's a despicable turd. Loathsome. What he's putting you through is horrific.

Go back to your family. Walk away from this pond scum and live a better life.

Before you go, find out details of his salary and whatever bank accounts and investments you can lay your hands on.

He's only nice occasionally because it takes a lot of effort to work himself up to a credible performance of anger and sustain it.

And all the nice times are engineered by him so he can clap himself on the back for being Mr Wonderful, and accuse you of ingratitude if you ever complain about anything.

Not blackmail, no, but it most certainly is coercive control, and the police would be interested in that particular crime.

Women's Aid number:

0808 2000 247

I think you could use the support of this organisation.

He stopped his own child's medical services! That is disgusting.

Thank you @mathanxiety. I stand corrected. I wasn't sure.

If he didn't want a third he should have used a condom or had the snip.

Keep the baby and leave him. You will be better off alone. YOu are basically being a single parent at the moment anyway.

Leave him! He sounds vile. You'll never regret having your baby

OP, please look up coercive control and financial abuse.

Please reach out to your family/ friends.

If you do not want the abortion, do not have it.

Regardless, this man is an abusive monster.