AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

He is abusive. Even if you decided to have a termination in order to "keep the peace", you'd resent him, and the relationship couldn't survive that anyway without you being bitterly unhappy.
If it's not in your heart to have a termination, don't go ahead with it. You won't forgive yourself for letting this man bully you into something that you may always regret.
Do what is right for you, you will cope just fine. You already do...
And either way, it's time to consider if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He sounds awful.
Good luck 💕

My adult niece has this too (and has DC) and OP obviously understands the complications and risks with pregnancy as she has had 2. CML is not what people typically think of when they think of Leukemia and she obviously is on life long treatment and fully informed. Enough of people's shock horror now!

This!

Vile. bullying behaviour to say you'll ruin all of (y)our lives"and threatening to leave you and your children.

It is his attitude that threatens to ruin all of your lives - what he is doing is just demanding his own way - in everything.

Only you can make the final decision, and from what you say you won't be able to live with yourself if you terminate your pregnancy - and he won't live with you if you don't.

Personally, I would find it more important to be able to live with myself, but of course you have two other children to consider - he is putting you in an horrendous position.

Whatever you finally choose to do, TBH I think your relationship is doomed.

@whatsitcalledwhen I’ve already spoken to my consultant, who was happy enough with my blood counts for me to continue with the pregnancy. A part of me actually wanted her to give me a reason not to continue with the pregnancy, as then the decision would be out of my hands.

Ahh thanks @Everythinggreen

Sorry yes, people’s usual reaction when I say I have leukaemia is shock but obviously I’m so used to it now it’s just a part of life and I get on with it. I’m very grateful for the treatment I’m on. I only mentioned it for context not to shock anyone!

She’s not married.

Either way you need to leave him. He is disgusting stopping his child’s medical treatment to blackmail you. That’s not a good father at all.

Only you can make the decision about keeping the baby. Do you have family / friends who can support you and help with childcare? Will you have enough money to manage? Are you sure he will let you keep the house? There’s a lot of things to think about.

You have leukaemia? How will a pregnancy affect your health and your ability to look after your children?

He is absolutely an abusive arsehole and you need to get the hell out - BUT your leukaemia is definitely something you need to take into consideration when thinking about whether you should continue the pregnancy.

There are so many red flags here, OP.

In your position I would have an abortion, not because he wanted me to, but because having another child will make it even harder for you to leave him.

The age gap between you is the first red flag. A 33 year old man really has nothing in common with a 19 year old girl. From what you say about the rest of your relationship it sounds like he deliberately set out to have a relationship with someone much younger than him so that he could be in control. He refuses to marry you, he stood in the way of you being able to work for a really long time, he discouraged you from pursuing a nursing career which would have guaranteed you stable employment but pushed you towards an art degree which would not necessarily improve your employment prospects, you have no legal right to a share of the home you live in, and now he's weaponising your daughter's healthcare needs against you to get you to do what he wants.

His behaviour is absolutely despicable.

It sounds like you are still in your 20s. You have so much time ahead of you to start your life again, if you choose to. Yes, it will be hard raising two children as a single mother, especially if you don't have a home. You will need support from your family, which it sounds like you might have.

Can they put a roof over your head while you get your life together? Can any of them help pay for your daughter's medical treatment?

I would also be haranguing your GP and trying every trick in the book to try and get your daughter's healthcare needs covered by the NHS. Tell them that her dependence on private healthcare which you can't afford is keeping you in an abusive relationship.

Keep the baby and leave the man.

You don't need him, he sounds awful.

You have made some appealing choices in your life OP, and frankly, it’s time to grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. This man is a nasty abusive prick, yet you still call him a great father after he stopped your daughters medical treatment to punish you, I mean on what fucking planet is that the actions of a great dad? Your children deserve better, you deserve better. Please don’t ever put yourself or your children in such a ridiculously vulnerable position again.

You do not want or need to stay with a man like this, regardless of what you decide to do about the baby. A man who can afford but pulls treatment for his DD as a form of blackmail should not be near your children. So, firstly, deal with your partner. Tell him you are leaving and get the necessary paperwork in place to keep the house. Then, make a decision on your own and with your family on your third child.

With regards to your DD allergies, my DD had significant food allergies (over 25). I am staggered this type of therapy is on offer, it was never suggested or put forward for us. But, we dealt with it by removing those food items from her diet and supplementing them with things she could eat. It wasn't easy, but it was manageable. And she went to parties, ate out and had pizza - all with planning. As an aside, one day aged 10, she just grew out of them all. Something they said would never happen given the severity and number, so there is hope. She's 18 now and eats everything, and it brings me the greatest joy.

Please take care of yourself x

Well it is clear that your relationship is over. There is no way you can stay with someone who behaves in this way.

So - start your planning. Do not spend the rest of you life with this person.

Bringing in a child to what seems a chaotic and vulnerable family would be cruel, so many red flags here. It all reads rather passive, absolutely no accountability for taking responsibility.

The house is not in her name so unfortunately there is no paperwork available that will ensure she keeps someone else’s house. OP needs to ask her parents if she can move back home until she gets back on her feet.

I hope you can take what people are saying and gather the strength to do what you know you need to do.

A man in his mid 30s going after a 19 year old girl, refusing to let her follow her dreams and keeping her in a situation that sounds more like a mistress is vile. You and your children deserve better whether you keep the baby or not you need to keep yourself and your kids safe emotionally, financially and physically.

Have you been fully open with your family about what has happened?

OMG - get out of this relationship asap! It sounds like at his bad times your partner has the ability to be dangerous. I’ve known relationships like this and he is already choosing to inflict abuse on his own child as blackmail to have you where he wants you - it’s not a big leap from that to something worse unfortunately. It is a massive red flag of escalation. I know in his good times it seems so unlikely but please seek help with this, it is serious and I think you are at risk, possibly your kids too. Please take the emotional and mental abuse seriously, you are not being dramatic and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Him being the bread earner does not make you a lesser person in the partnership, you are contributing a fortune to the relationship in looking after the children.
Also think of what your children are growing up seeing. This is not going to give them a healthy view of a loving partnership between their parents - I don’t say that to make you feel bad but it is a genuine reason to put in the mix. Their future ability to have relationships is fundamental to their happiness.

The pregnancy is a separate issue to some extent, but putting the relationship aside and your partners feelings about it a third baby (which are out of all proportion and related to his control issues and if he didn’t use contraception …) it is your call entirely - but you sound like you want this baby - you already feel connected to it, you’re calling it a baby and so I don’t think you can abort it without lifelong regret. Call on your family support, you can do it alone with three children, you are already managing mostly alone. Kids can be happy with not much and definitely happier than watching their father abuse their mother. You can’t possibly have this baby and continue to live with a man who will have nothing to do with that particular child. You may find that apart he steps up to be a good co-parent. He must know the relationship is broken.
I don’t know about your child’s allergies, our child has a walnut allergy but they are so much easier to avoid than the ones you list and I can see this adds a layer of complexity to your situation - but there is support out there.. is there a chance she will grow out of some of them?
Either way you’ve GOT to leave him and you’ve got to be tough for all your babies.

@foreverhope1 what on earth is this supposed to mean?

tell me how I sound passive and not taking responsibility? I literally said I feel like it’s all my fault (for staying this long in the first place)

Yes, you deserve someone better than the narcissistic douchebag you are currently sharing your life with.
Having said that, it sounds to me that you need a lot of rethinking to do, about the way you make decisions in life.
I would recommend putting yourself at the center, deciding on a career path and taking control of the financial aspect of your life.

Keep the baby if you can support yourself and all 3 children but even if he changed his mind and behaviour tomorrow, your relationship wouldn't survive. You'd always know what he was capable of.

Either way your relationship is over. So do what feels right for you. He’s nasty. You can do so much better.

Ok, glad you’re doing well with it.

Does pregnancy carry additional risks for you?

Abusive and controlling people know that if they were abusive all day every day even the most complaint and controlled victims will leave. They keep you by throwing in hours, days and weeks where they play nice and do good things. It makes you question of the abuse and controlling behaviour is actually in your head because look how nice they have been today. Aren't they lovely they have bought me flowers and given the kids a bath

Have a read about love bombing too which is tactics that some abusers use to keep you. They shower you with "love and affection". Part of the control is to keep you on your toes as you don't know whether you would get the person who showers you with affection or abuse.

If he came home tomorrow with chocolates and flowers and said he was sorry and he wants the baby and he is restarting the treatment for your daughter. How would you feel? Would you actually trust him not to flip again and stop everything?

In 2 years time what would you regret most not having the baby or not being in a relationship with him

I would call up the clinic to explain the situation. My daughter has allergies and whilst hers aren't life threatening I am in a local group with children with life threatening allergies and I see the battles they go through in order to get the treatment on the nhs. So many hoops to jump through and a really strict criteria to stay on the programme. He is showing you his true self in these actions. Stop and drink in every moment and hold this view in your minds eye you might need it when/if he switches mode again

• end the relationship
• call the clinic & tell them what's happening (they may be able to go through with it & send the bills or a legal threat to pay to him)
• tell absolutely everybody what's happening!
• seek help from any & everybody family/GP/Social workers/midwife/eldest childs school for help

It's up to you OP, but personally I'd terminate the pregnancy, take my kids and leave. It's hard enough having three kids without throwing in an abusive ex partner, no money and various health conditions (yours and the kids).

Agreed.