Dh - his annoying habit .

[Notanana]

He leaves his chair out most of the time after a meal .
… drive s me mad .
I have asked and asked that he put it back - remind him
most days- or many days -sometimes call to him upstairs to come and put it under.
it infuriates me beyond measure !
it feels inconsiderate to me .

Its silly but it really stresses me out now - i have developed a learnt reaction and i get angry.

does it really matter?!!

dh says he tries but forgets daily.
he is semi retired so this can happen 3 times a day at meal times ultimately.

he has suggested that i “ work on my reaction” ( it is ott)
and
that he does not use the table - which will affect out life !!

my thought is you are a grown man and you can put a chair under a table !!!

he also moves the coffee table daily and does not put that back either. Every day or many days i move it back.that bothers me less.

What else doesn't he do that OP 'just does' for him?

Socks on the floor? Wet towel? Pockets emptying?

I'd just stop doing anything for him that involves any thought - it'll take him about 3 days to realise that if he wants to call op's reaction petty then what massive stuff she is already doing soon backs up when she's not doing it.

I washed all my DCs clothes as they landed in the washing basket once. Inside out, screwed up, giant tissue in ds favourite work hoodie. I then left them to hang up their own things to dry, to calls of 'oh mum this is still dirty/ruined/dry' .

Never again have I unrolled a dirty sock

cooldarkroom oh my - that article is brilliant!
in that it says what i feel !
ive sent him a link !

I think making someone come downstairs/upstairs to push a chair in is far worse than forgetting and leaving it out in the first place. I know who I'd prefer to live with.

It’s irritating. It takes a second to push it back.
What about a note on the table- “push the chair in”.
You say he loves you, treats you well? I’d probably let it go.

I wonder what you do that irritates him or others. 🫢

It depends if its part of a pattern of behaviour. I leave my chair out, I also take good care of our two kids.

But if he's generally expecting others to tidy up after him it's infuriating. He probably doesn't get it if your arguments are not set out in that context.

I'm sorry I'm on your DH's side.

Ingrained, automatic habits are very hard to catch in the moment and change, and this is a really petty thing. It's also something happening three times a day, so even if he works really hard and catches himself 80-90% of the time, you are still going to get furious at all the failures.

You've clearly got to the point of being totally triggered by it- which means, as others have said, you are loading a ton of other stuff onto this trivial thing, which doesn't necessarily belong there. Ask yourself what it means to you/ what you think he is saying to you by leaving his chair out..... if this isn't something he really says to you, or a way he treats you in general life, then it's highly likely it's your interpretation that is the problem.

Calling him from upstairs to put his chair in is ridiculous and obnoxious. You are clearly going into 'parent mode' which is never going to end well, when you are dealing with somebody who you are meant to be in an adult relationship with.

Rather than focus on it being his chair (therefore his responsibility) maybe think of it as your preference to have the chairs pushed in- therefore up to you to arrange things how you like them.

An un-pushed in chair is not the same as dirty dishes on the surface. The chair is a preference, and it can just be left like that. The dishes pile up, start stinking, and demand your or his labour to fix. Dishes definitely need sorted. Chair doesn't.

You like to see things particularly tidy? Then tidy them to please yourself. Doesn't have to be anything to do with him.

Yep. Was waiting for some handmaiden to pop up to say this.

Put it on some spring-loaded rails so it pops back in by itself when he stands up. Or, you know, chill?

financialcareerstuff good thinking - and yea I recognise that my reaction is triggering all sorts -
to him its just a chair - to me it hurts that he cant do a common courtesy as i see it - which then translates to rude .

If someone called me upstairs to push the chair in 3 x a day, I’d think they were bonkers.

Maybe he likes it being left out?

Or a widow?

financialcareerstuff and yes i need to see things neat - am definitely on the non neuro typical range.

sometimes call to him upstairs to come and put it under

I'd actually missed this awful detail. Sorry that's just ridiculous. DP will sometimes make a sarcastic comment about my messiness if I'm in the room but he'd never order me to straighten chairs or whatever, and if he dared shout at me about it from a different room I would tell him to fuck off. And if it became a pattern I would fuck off out of the relationship myself.

Yelling at someone from a different floor for them to come and fix some tiny domestic misdemeanour is not something you do in a healthy relationship.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow i do it to make a point really . In the hope that it’s easier for him to just do it .

Mountain out of molehill - just chill.

This sounds like a symptom of a bigger problem tbh. My DH does little annoying things (like leaving his worn socks on the bedroom floor!) but although it may illicit an eye roll from me, I don't let it bother me. If I look at the big picture of him as a dh, he does enough things ‘right’ to overlook the odd ‘wrong’.

I'm a neat freak but I don't expect others to keep to my standards.

I like chairs pushed in so I do it myself.

Mischance i know but when i do i have to do it for him three times a day .
he does it cafes -!so why at home.

Once the trivial petty stuff creeps in and annoys you it's the beginning of the end.

You could dispose of your dining table and chairs and replace with a low Japanese dining table and floor cushions. Unless of course the mere sight of a cushion not placed under the table gives you the vapours.

If you’re ND and need order then isn’t that up to you to sort out? I mean your Dh can support, but ultimately you want extreme neatness and he doesn’t.

My Dd is ASD. Her desire for order can be very difficult to live with. Sometimes l just want to rebel.

Stop cooking for him (if you are).

If he can’t show you basic respect then he doesn’t get even a basic meal from you.

Cook and eat your meal, with his chair neatly under the table.

This.

Mine leaves his like cast off little shrouds on the front room floor.

Is it the straw which broke the camel's back? Is it one small thing symptomatic of a host of other things? Or does he generally contribute 50:50?

This would just make me annoyed and not do it.

Tucking chairs into table isn’t necessarily about neatness, it’s about safety and not wasting space.