To think a family member is being awful, although we’re living under their roof?

[PeachyGreen95]

I moved into my grandma’s home a couple of months ago, with my partner and our 6 month old baby. This is because I’m on maternity leave and my DP is training to do something else career wise, so we’re having to be careful with money. We were hoping to be here until September..

My grandma offered and said we could stay for as long as needed, we are so appreciative as we didn’t have much option other than to rent and hammer into savings.

Since we’ve lived here, my mental health has plummeted. We try to keep the house as tidy as possible with a 6 month old, I cook a nice home made meal every night for us all, do the shopping and be as respectful as possible but can’t help but think she is always trying to pick a fight. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells constantly.

She makes hurtful comments often, she said I was fat because my jeans don’t fit after having the baby, said I care about no one but myself as I wasn’t sending photos of the baby fast enough to other family members, she watches like a hawk and will make comments about what I’m doing with the baby, how I’m weaning her etc. I’m so fed up.. last night she screamed at my partner because the baby woke up crying and he ran into the living room to turn the monitor off and said he didn’t want it to disturb her TV… she said she thought he was being funny with her. AIBU to think she’s being a bad person as she’s letting us live in her home and we’ve turned it upside down as a family???

Have you not heard of the current housing crisis? Cost of living crisis?

And actually I shopping for and providing a hot meal every night does cover a lot - do you know how much a private chef costs? Not quite the same thing, I know, but it's a lot of work and they are also paying her housekeeping money.

It's also really, really common for families to share resources and housing in order to build wealth and share care work. It's known as "multigenerational living."

As OP has said, they only have until September. If she can stick it out until then, which will be easier with warmer weather and the end in sight, it will be great for her family's future finances. And I bet the grandmother will mess her help and hot dinners when she's gone.

Yes. Seriously.
If having people living in your home pisses you off so much you feel the need to insult them then don’t offer to have them in your home. Or have the stones to tell them it’s not working out and ask them (politely)to leave. I mean..that’s not gonna annoy them any more than the insults is it?

I just love that @Livelovebehappy would like clarification on whether the baby was planned 😂I mean, sure it's good to plan such things as much as you can, but really, berating a new mum for not quite getting the home/job/baby thing perfectly timed is absurd. Life isn't like that. And the baby is here now, and they have a plan, so why not take your own advice and Live, Love and Be Happy?

she offered to let them stay, they didn’t force her to!

Was there a housing crisis and extortionate rents when you "got a home before having kids"? The smugness oozes from your post. Well done.

Yeah there's a few of them here telling us all how they did it the 'right' way. They must need the validation.

And circumstances change. It doesn't work anymore. OP and her family need to make other arrangements now.

It's really unfair and stressful for you that your grandma behaves like that. However, it's her house and it sounds you need to move out to preserve your sanity and relationship.

Having a family with a young kid under your roof is not easy for everyone and you're also losing out on the enjoyment of that life stage if you stay with her. Staying would make sense if she supported and helped you. But she doesn't, so it's better to cut losses now.

Even though she originally offered, it's better to reject the offer now and move on, when you all know it's not working. Hopefully you'll find a nice place for yourselves soon 💛

Move out a.s.a.p.

Come on. Of course you plan for a baby! You have to work out whether you can afford one. I planned for mine, and in fact stopped at 2 because whilst I would have loved 3, I couldn't afford it. Surely that's what most people do?! I appreciate you can't foresee what might happen in the future, but op has only recently had her baby, and presumably knew dp was going to leave his job to pursue training with a lower salary.

She’s doing you a favour, but it’s not working for whatever reason. The only thing you can do is move out before the relationship is destroyed. You all tried

Some of you have done life / things correctly and I’m happy for you.. unfortunately it hasn’t worked out that way for us and we have our baby now who we love dearly. My original post was about our current situation which we’re in right now. As I explained we have savings, we were offered to stay (we didn’t ask) and this will help us move forward to save up a fraction of money, enjoy work and hopefully find our feet. Thanks to those posters who have been a little more supportive, talk about kicking a person when they’re down!

I feel your pain, OP, and I can only join the chorus that says to move out as soon as practicable for your circumstances. I’d KILL if I had to share my own place with my own mother for more than a week, she’s depressed and her mood swings go from crying to screaming and telling all sorts of nasty things (me being the favourite target). What I can tell you is that very often this behaviour reflects the other person’s frustrations and not a fault of your own. I’d say…take this as a lesson for your life, try to grow in a better granny if you possibly can (in decades to come!) and stick to the family YOU have created, and make sure they feel your love and give you love.

(And don’t beat yourself up. Probably both of you started with good intentions and thought you could make it work. But motherhood is tough enough without having a judgmental person overlooking your every move. Take it easy)

(In the meantime, if you can find a coping mechanism so that you can filter her out, it will help. I have literally started using earphones so I don’t have to listen to all of my mum’s ranting, and then I count to 20, 30, 40…big deep breaths and repeat in my
mind that I DO have a family that loves me, it’s the one I’ve created. Otherwise I nod, hum in generic agreement, let her rant and try to make myself as busy as possible with other stuff. If I was to engage with her all the time, I’d end up mincemeat)

This is awful. You are not to blame. Please please love out for yourself and your family! Please!

Being stressed wouldn't make you fat shame a post partum mother you either have that in you or you don't. Tgis is disgusting and OP please don't listen to those trying to excuse or mitigate it.

I think you need to move out even though she is not being nice I do not think she thought it through to have you all living there. Try to find a place or else this relationship will be over. It is difficult if you are older and then you have a young family and a baby living with you. She is being unkind but you need to find your own place for your own peace of mind.

I don't think it's that she's trying to avoid being honest with you, I doubt very much she realises she's being unreasonable. The situation is stressful for all involved and it's likely from her perspective you are both being hurtful too, whether it's true or not. I think it's probably just more difficult than anyone perceived and the best thing you can do is to plan to move out without hurting your grandmother's feelings. I am sure you will be glad later if you don't let this spoil your relationship with her. I expect your relationship with her and her relationship with your child will be worth salvaging as you are obviously close for her to have offered in the first place. Good luck with it, I truly hope you manage to sort it all out.

I agree you will have to move out! It might not be the best financially but think of the relief of being in your own place again! Plus if you leave now and steer clear of your grandma for a while, it will probably be possible to repair your relationship. She may even apologize!

What would you LIKE to happen? Stay there until September? OK, work towards making this happen. Talk to her. Appreciate that she's finding having you harder work than anticipated. Do NOT list all the good things you do, DEFINITELY do not list all the ways she has shown her irritation. Just stick to how grateful you are, does she think she can put up with you for just a few more months? If she suggests ways you could modify your behaviour, suck it up. Do you want to be right, or do you want free accommodation? Yes, right.

Have you checked your benefit entitlement? I didn't realise my first maternity leave that I could claim universal credit, second maternity leave I did and it made a big difference.
It might help you get back into your own place sooner rather than waiting till your back at work, and may help with childcare costs when you do go back.

I’m sorry OP but she sounds like a nasty old cow

Your Grandmother does sound like a difficult woman to live with - the comments about your 'weight' and how you wean your child are bang out of order.
I had my 'adult' son and his GF live with me for a year when they came back from travelling , to help them save for a house deposit- it worked well, as I lived on a different floor to them, and we were respectful of each other's space.

BUT I can see how things could easily grate if you didn't;t fundamentally get on.

My adult sibling lived with mum for a year, after a divorce, and that wasn't always plain sailing as mum felt sibling was using too much firewood &c and not paying any housekeeping.

She should have ASKED for housekeeping!

Usually would sympathise with you but you're def playing a martyr game. The faux innocence and then constant drip feeds bc people were on her side (or both your sides rather) is weird. Just move out instead of playing a martyr.