To think a family member is being awful, although we’re living under their roof?

[PeachyGreen95]

I moved into my grandma’s home a couple of months ago, with my partner and our 6 month old baby. This is because I’m on maternity leave and my DP is training to do something else career wise, so we’re having to be careful with money. We were hoping to be here until September..

My grandma offered and said we could stay for as long as needed, we are so appreciative as we didn’t have much option other than to rent and hammer into savings.

Since we’ve lived here, my mental health has plummeted. We try to keep the house as tidy as possible with a 6 month old, I cook a nice home made meal every night for us all, do the shopping and be as respectful as possible but can’t help but think she is always trying to pick a fight. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells constantly.

She makes hurtful comments often, she said I was fat because my jeans don’t fit after having the baby, said I care about no one but myself as I wasn’t sending photos of the baby fast enough to other family members, she watches like a hawk and will make comments about what I’m doing with the baby, how I’m weaning her etc. I’m so fed up.. last night she screamed at my partner because the baby woke up crying and he ran into the living room to turn the monitor off and said he didn’t want it to disturb her TV… she said she thought he was being funny with her. AIBU to think she’s being a bad person as she’s letting us live in her home and we’ve turned it upside down as a family???

You sound really respectful op. My two grandsons live with me and have done since they were babies. Now the partner of one lives here most of the week as well. I do like her but tbh I do get a bit fed up and would like the house to myself. Typical teenagers though, their idea of tidying up and mine are somewhat different and I do occasionally get pretty cross.

But I would never in a million years make personal comments to any of them. It really is unnecessary and unkind but it sounds as though you knew she had no filter. You are now facing the reality of what no filter really means on a day to day basis.

Its not good for you to be tiptoeing around like this and I think it is time to move on. For me, I am encouraging eldest gs to get saving so he can have his own place.

not everyone has the luxury to fall back on family members when they need to. Some people have to make it work for themselves and can’t run back to mummy and daddy in an emergency. “Very often” is your personal experience and a very privileged one.

yes grandma was mean, but clearly she is stressed out and not coping well. And maybe she is just mean. Time for Op to look after her mental health and move out.

Move out. It’s clearly not working for anyone. She doesn’t sound very nice, but the stress of hosting a family with a young baby is clearly more than she anticipated. You don’t need her permission to move out. Find another relative to host you till September or stump up for temporary accommodation.

Move out and a rent a small place as soon as you can.

She is being both horrible (in her comments) and kind in letting you stay (presumably free or low rent) BUT it is not worth it for your mental health. If you have savings, use some of them, life is too short.

This 100 per cent. Its not OK, but its not going to get any better. It sounds as though you are doing everything you can to contribute with cooking etc... and its no fun to have a young baby with someone constantly dripping comments into your ear about how you are not doing things right. Treatment like this can make you absolutely distraught.

More than cover rent? It costs £1200 to rent a 2 bed flat down where I live (south). 3 bed house you’d be looking at £1500-1700. So no way does shopping food that they are presumably eating the most of compare! Of course they should clean, this isn’t a “cost”.

You need to try to move out as soon as possible. Not easy, I know, but I wonder why on earth she invited you to live there in the first place if she's that petty and easily upset.

It could be that she's struggling mentally and is unaware of how 'difficult' she is - what is she like with other people, with her day-to-day living or is this aggression and pettiness just aimed at your little family?

I'd be inclined to give her a very wide berth once you've moved out. Unless she has a mental health problem there's no excuse for her behaving like this. If she now realises she made a bad call inviting you to stay, then it should be discussed in a civilised way.

I had this happening to me sometime ago- offered family members to move into mine while they sorted finances out. Oh it drove both parties up the wall in spite of both parties trying hard to be respectful. I felt a huge sense of relief when they moved out.

I’ve asked her if she’d like us to speak to my partners family to see if we can move out ASAP

Why would you do this?

You are adults, the situation isn't working for you, make your own decisions!

Honestly-what did you expect her to say?

That is true. Also if it was possible to have a break, stay with other family or friends even for a weekend to take the pressure off. Even invest in a week away somewhere, with what is being saved on rent for months a week in a caravan or B&B could be a pressure release.

My nan started saying very nasty things about weight to loved ones when she started to decline with dementia. Might be worth keeping an eye on things to see if you think that is a contributing factor (particularly if she wouldn't have made comments like that previously).

Why on earth did your partner decide that now was the time to retrain? He needs to be secure financially when you’re on mat leave, not moving in with family members when you’ve got a new baby.

Like everyone else on this thread OP , I think it’s time for you and your little family to move out. I feel sorry for all of you but I think you’ll be much happier living independently and just visiting your GM as opposed to lodging with her.

Can you not stay with your partner's family for a bit? Summer's coming and you can hang out in the garden.

She may be old and she may well be finding it stressful but a grandmother has seen two generation rise and she is now on her third. There is no excuse for bitchiness and that is what her behaviour boils down to.

The baby is being a baby and it wouldn't kill her to remember what they're like. Or that they don't come with volume controls. My former neighbours had one and I got no sleep for months. Yet I didn't complain and pretend that all was rosy as there was no point. It was just a baby going what babies do. Now it's a teenager and playing it's music loudly but elsewhere

Your grandmother is not being kind. It's possible she just wanted one up on another family member or prime access to the baby.

Move.

This sounds very tough.

I do think moving out earlier than planned whatever it takes is the best route.

In the meantime, I'd spend as much time out of the house as you can op. Keep meals that you cook really really simple. Spend lots of time out during the day. Go for a walk, library, playgroups, children's centres, community warm spaces, etc. On an evening put baby to bed then get comfy upstairs too. Either watching something with headphones on or reading a book. This way you're having much less time and interaction with her.

If you move in with your in-laws you may find it a similar strain and if they are moving it sounds like it's not a good time to do that. I think even living in a tiny one bed rental temporarily somewhere you'd feel better mentally than your current situation!

Well she must of known what she letting herself in for. If she’s someone’s grandmother she must be familiar with what having a baby around entails 🤷‍♀️ And I’m struggling to see why she would call someone fat unless she’s a bit mean spirited. How would she like it if someone called her a bad tempered old cow.

That said it is her house so I agree the only thing OP can do is move out.

I'd second this. Something has to give, and it can't be both incomes at the same time unless you love living with Gran. You don't, so you need a re think.

My guess is to guilt trip her grandmother.

I’ve asked her if she’d like us to speak to my partners family to see if we can move out ASAP

Don’t force the decision into her-that’s mean. It’s not working and you know that. It won’t work at your in laws either if they are selling. Just move out and rent somewhere till September.

Yes, in the OP’s head she’s supposed to feel bad, apologise, and be extra-nice for months to come.

I voted YABU, only because it's clear this is an unworkable situation, and given what you know about your grandmother and her behaviour, you have no option but to leave and in fact, that's what you must to - she isn't nice, but she has no requirement to have you stay, and while it would be lovely if she was able to help you out in this way, she isn't willing to be reasonable, and therefore you need to leave.

It's also a poor time to make a significant career move resulting in less pay.

Your DP needs to pause the training and resume work so you can rent yourselves, and you can revisit when you return to work.

Well obviously!

I realise I've left off the bit that GM said no.

It's unlikely that she would say otherwise isn't it?

Well she must of known what she letting herself in for. If she’s someone’s grandmother she must be familiar with what having a baby around entails

That doesn't mean that she's not finding it hard though does it?

It's obviously also different when it's your house & your baby!

Is this helpful in any way

Honestly, I would move out asap. You sound a lovely couple and you have tried your very best, but she's upsetting you during those precious first moments with a baby... You'll never get that time back.

Don't ask her either about moving out, it's not her decision to make. Just say you're going and be on your way.