To think a family member is being awful, although we’re living under their roof?

[PeachyGreen95]

I moved into my grandma’s home a couple of months ago, with my partner and our 6 month old baby. This is because I’m on maternity leave and my DP is training to do something else career wise, so we’re having to be careful with money. We were hoping to be here until September..

My grandma offered and said we could stay for as long as needed, we are so appreciative as we didn’t have much option other than to rent and hammer into savings.

Since we’ve lived here, my mental health has plummeted. We try to keep the house as tidy as possible with a 6 month old, I cook a nice home made meal every night for us all, do the shopping and be as respectful as possible but can’t help but think she is always trying to pick a fight. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells constantly.

She makes hurtful comments often, she said I was fat because my jeans don’t fit after having the baby, said I care about no one but myself as I wasn’t sending photos of the baby fast enough to other family members, she watches like a hawk and will make comments about what I’m doing with the baby, how I’m weaning her etc. I’m so fed up.. last night she screamed at my partner because the baby woke up crying and he ran into the living room to turn the monitor off and said he didn’t want it to disturb her TV… she said she thought he was being funny with her. AIBU to think she’s being a bad person as she’s letting us live in her home and we’ve turned it upside down as a family???

A lot of people giving this woman the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds nasty! There's stress and then there's busy a horrible person. She shouldn't have called you fat, for example.

Just because you love someone dearly, it doesn’t mean you can live with them. Whilst it sounds like she made a very generous offer allowing you to stay, the reality of that isn’t quite the ‘freebie’ it was sold. Do not undervalue your mental health & wellbeing or risk further damaging the relationship with your grandparent by staying. I’d look for somewhere else because you can’t get these early days with your LO back.

Indeed.

She should just tell them that it's not working & they need to leave.

How old is she OP?
If she is elderly some of this may just be down to an increasing lack of flexibility, tolerence and adaptability that old age brings.
BUT, it could also be an early indicator of cognitive decline. Impulse control is one of the development of the brain that happens last (as late as early 20s they’ve now found) and one of first bits of executive thinking skills to go in cognitive decline . Impulse control is also about not having a filter, and loosing inhibition.

im also concerned your own mental health is suffering and getting worse. Please do go to GP or health visitor and get an assessment for PND. this sometimes doesn’t develop until months after birth, and can be triggered by stress (like living in difficult circumstances) or someone constantly undermining your self esteeem.

Either way, it does sound like you need to leave asap. It’s worth one last effort to tell her how you feel though …don’t say “you make me feel” use “I”statements, such as “when you said/did this I felt this”. Start but discussing what you both wanted to get form the house sharing bit, ask her why she offered, find some common objectives first …she offered so they’ll be a motivation for it, ground the conversation in that motivation

The points are fair enough.

If it’s that stressful, just move out.

It's just someone sticking the boot into a young mother so she can feel better about herself. You see it on every thread now. It must make her feel superior in her own sad little way.

My MIL is lovely but i could see things ending up just as they have for tou if i moved in with her.

Its not her, its not you or your baby or DH. Its just not working.

Leave now and accept the hit on savings and presrrve fanily relations.

They aren't though because the OP isnt asking about the timing of her pregnancy. Baby is here now...and her question is entirely unrelated.

Agree to disagree.

I really feel for you. I wouldn’t be paying for her shopping if what your partner is earning is paying to live there, she should be paying for her own food or chipping in. Sounds like she’s got you paying it all then being horrible to you at the same time!

She sounds like a bully and I’m sorry for the horrible comments she’s passed your way. That is terrible. There is no excuse for it at all. Sounds like it’s a tough time for you but you will get through it, is there anyone else you can live with?

Not at all. The questions are valid ones. If the baby wasn’t planned, fair enough - these things happen and you have to seek help where you can find it. But if it was planned, it’s not fair to make your problem someone else’s. Maybe the grandmother just didn’t expect it to be so disruptive. She may have wanted to help, but the reality is it’s just too much. I’m sure many of us would struggle having a family with a baby living with us. It’s a bad reflection of people on here who are vilifying the grandma, when her initial offer came from a good place.

You didn't say "fair enough" in your post though. It just looks like you giving a young, stressed mother a lecture.

Yep.

She asked you to move in so I don’t know why people are saying how hard it must be for her. She asked you because she thought it would benefit her in some way or she was imagining that it would be all lovely.

Her needs haven’t been met so she’s punishing you. Perhaps she feels you’re not involving her in every little thing or not following her advice. You haven’t lived up to her expectations.

My mum and dad moved in with her nan when I was a baby, my great grandmother was nothing less than supportive (even after they had three more kids!) My family moved into a HA house when I was seven, so we were there for years.

I think it's a case of too much time together. It's hard to live with family members and everyone gets on edge. Also, people lose their mental filter as the get old. My grandma sometimes comments on my postpartum weight too, but she is old and losing it a little so I try to forgive her.

I appreciate some circumstances are unavoidable but as a young parent who saved, got a home before having kids I could never imagine being an adult and basically taking a lend of a family member for more than a couple of weeks if I ever had to. I find it bizarre you have savings and live with your gran, bizarre that you think the amount you give will cover bills for your stay and bizarre to think gran shouldn't get narky after a short time because it's not your house,space or life that's been put upon. Regardless of how much we love family we shouldn't put upon others

I have never been in this position. But I don’t think it ‘bizarre’ to rely on family to help out short-term. Indeed it’s the norm in some cultures to help like this. Often without asking for rent. Love and helping each other can mean that letting family stay works out just fine for some.

And whilst they need to move out now and gran is not coping and I get why she might be irritable, that does not give an excuse to make nasty personal comments about someone’s weight. I think it is more ‘bizarre’ that you think that’s ok.

Why are you supporting someone who makes nasty digs? That’s is never acceptable. Whatever the circumstances or age. I think it is a ‘bad reflection’ on people who think it is ok to be unpleasant in a highly personal way.

Life doesn’t always go as planned. It’s not then ok to be horrid to people.

@BloodsOk thank you! And to the others who have understood that sometimes life doesn’t go to plan or as you expected.

Yes we could’ve moved into our own place but the offer was there and why not try to get some more money behind us.

Yes we wanted our baby but were in a more stable position at the time (circumstances can change)

My partner was in a commission based role that affected him mentally for years. I’m happy to see him finally happy. It may have not been an ideal time but it is what it is.

I didn’t say ‘fair enough’, because the OP hadn’t confirmed whether the baby was planned. You just don’t plan to have a baby when your partner is giving up his job to go into training, so you then can’t afford to support yourselves.

The generosity of her letting you move in and disruption it has caused to her life does not give her a free pass to criticise you about your body (wouldn’t be acceptable anytime but six months after giving birth?!) or your parenting. Time to move out.

As said, the grandmother helped OP out when her and dp would have been in a very vulnerable position with their living arrangements otherwise. Surely they were aware of the personality of the grandparent prior to accepting their help? Someone who makes comments like that - it isn’t going to come out of nowhere. The grandparent is under no obligation whatsoever to offer a home to someone, and the op is also under no obligation to accept. If I had a grandparent who presumably isn’t the nicest, then I wouldn’t put myself and my family in a position whereby I was a target. Op said there were other options - then take them.

And she responds by calling the OP fat? 🤔

You think that cancels out 6+ months of a family of three availing of free accommodation living in an elderly relative's home? Seriously?