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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn’t want me to move away

151 replies

Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 17:43

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 15/04/2024 17:45

My answer to this depends entirely on whether your mum has been doing a majority of the childcare for your eldest?

unbelievablescenes · 15/04/2024 17:48

She is completely self absorbed and you should not prioritize her ridiculous reaction over your children's quality of life. Hopefully she'll see this once the panic dies down but she's overstepped the boundaries here by a country mile. Your life, your decision

Original poster
Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 17:48

Dacadactyl · 15/04/2024 17:45

My answer to this depends entirely on whether your mum has been doing a majority of the childcare for your eldest?

No, she was watching DS once a week at one point. She did it for about 6 weeks and then DS started nursery. She’s never provided childcare long term. She’s working full time so physically can’t.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/04/2024 17:49

She's being totally unreasonable and selfish. My parents were a bit sad when we moved away, but they put a brave face on it and would never have dreamed of telling is they wouldn't allow it (wtf?) or emotionally blackmailing us about it. Is your DM under the impression that everyone stays living in the area where they were brought up?

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 17:50

She's completely unreasonable of course. Perhaps in a few days she'll have calmed down enough to be rational and see that this really isn't a disaster.

Carry on with your plans, give her space and time to recover from the shock.

If she doesn't and remains so irrational just be firm but reassuring, but don't give way. It's your lives and you're not moving to Australia FFS!

MagpiePi · 15/04/2024 17:50

If you only see her once or twice a month at the moment then it doesn’t sound like much will change apart from travel time. And, tbf your DH’s family have had to cope with the distance till now.

You should do what is right for your family and not let your DM emotionally manipulate you.

Original poster
Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 17:51

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/04/2024 17:49

She's being totally unreasonable and selfish. My parents were a bit sad when we moved away, but they put a brave face on it and would never have dreamed of telling is they wouldn't allow it (wtf?) or emotionally blackmailing us about it. Is your DM under the impression that everyone stays living in the area where they were brought up?

Thanks @AllProperTeaIsTheft

She can’t fathom that there is anything outside of London. She thinks your life is over if you don’t live in London. She always goes on about the opportunities etc and how it would be stupid to move out and sacrifice your career. But myself and DH are doing well and don’t feel we need to stay in London to progress. She also always mentions that she purposefully lived near her own mother because it was her duty as a daughter.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2024 17:52

If this was me, I'd be thanking her for making my decision to move away so much easier.

Unless she's offering to financially support you, she is just going to have to accept you are moving to afford a better standard of living

saoirse31 · 15/04/2024 17:52

Your dm is being very selfish, make your move, and enjoy.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2024 17:52

Ignore every single ridiculous, drama-infused thing your mother said. She couldn't possibly be behaving more self-absorbed if she tried.

You and your husband have to make the right choices for your family, end of discussion.

I wouldn't bother speaking to her about this again. You can inform her of your plans when they've been decided.

MILTOBE · 15/04/2024 17:52

Dacadactyl · 15/04/2024 17:45

My answer to this depends entirely on whether your mum has been doing a majority of the childcare for your eldest?

How could she if they only see her once or twice a month?

Tatas · 15/04/2024 17:53

She's totally unreasonable - is there some sort of huge background story on her?

Honestly unless she's planning on funding a lovely house for you in London, she's got zero control over what you do / where you move. She's already over an hour from you - depending where in London she is, the train to Manchester can be fairly close journey time wise to how far away she is now!

It's not your duty as a daughter to stay close by her - that's nutty thinking. Definitely break that cycle! London isn't the centre of the world, despite what some people think. There's fantastic places to live all over, your plan to move sounds like a good idea from my outside perspective - she's just being a drama llama!

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2024 17:53

"She also always mentions that she purposefully lived near her own mother because it was her duty as a daughter."

Aaaaand there's the truth of it.

She is really demanding you be on hand to run round after her for the rest of her life.

BodyKeepingScore · 15/04/2024 17:55

She's being completely unreasonable and selfish. It's not up to her where you live. She's allowed to feel upset and miss you but she isn't allowed to emotionally blackmail and guilt trip you.

crumblingschools · 15/04/2024 17:55

How old is DB?

Olika · 15/04/2024 17:55

I would ignore DM's drama. You move if you want to.

Couldyounot · 15/04/2024 17:58

She has reacted very poorly - completely out of order in fact. You should absolutely move. It's not like she hasn't got anyone nearby if she lives with your brother.

Original poster
Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 17:58

Tatas · 15/04/2024 17:53

She's totally unreasonable - is there some sort of huge background story on her?

Honestly unless she's planning on funding a lovely house for you in London, she's got zero control over what you do / where you move. She's already over an hour from you - depending where in London she is, the train to Manchester can be fairly close journey time wise to how far away she is now!

It's not your duty as a daughter to stay close by her - that's nutty thinking. Definitely break that cycle! London isn't the centre of the world, despite what some people think. There's fantastic places to live all over, your plan to move sounds like a good idea from my outside perspective - she's just being a drama llama!

She has always been quite manipulative. Even with my DF. I have never once heard her apologise for anything, even when she’s in the wrong. It’s just her nature. She is very hard to get along with and often pits people against each other (she’s currently trying to do it with me and my DB). She has good qualities too - she is quite generous. But I don’t know what I expected from our conversation - given her character I should have anticipated it.

OP posts:
redalex261 · 15/04/2024 17:59

I’m not one for the Mumsnet “never accommodate your family, tell them to fuck off” brigade, but your mum is being exceptionally horrible and unreasonable. In fact, she is trying to coerce and blackmail you. Please do what suits your family. You are not cutting ties with her, but moving a couple of hours’ drive away! TBH her living with her son after widowhood (did she move in with him or was he living with parents in family home when dad died?) perhaps signals she is overly needy anyway, but she’s not “alone”. You are not responsible for her happiness. No guilt necessary.

WhiteLeopard · 15/04/2024 18:00

She's being so unreasonable here. Honestly OP, just continue with your plans and don't give this another minute's thought. When it comes up again, keep saying "I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this, DH and I are happy with our decision".

Original poster
Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 18:01

crumblingschools · 15/04/2024 17:55

How old is DB?

DB is 23 and eager to move out with his GF. DM and DB have been butting heads a lot and he finds her extremely controlling.

OP posts:
RemarkablyBrightCreature · 15/04/2024 18:02

This is the fantasy some mothers have about their daughters sadly. I would be moving as far away as possible if it was my mum - completely insane!

BlondeFool · 15/04/2024 18:03

As a Londoner I totally expect my kids to move away. Prices are insane.

Your mum is completely unreasonable and you are completely reasonable to want to move to an area you can buy in.

category12 · 15/04/2024 18:04

Just say you're sorry she feels that way, but it's what you're going to do.

Hopefully when she's got used to the idea she'll come round. If she does cut ties with you over it, maybe you'll be better off.

You've got to do what's best for your growing family and she ought to support that.

Crispsandcola · 15/04/2024 18:05

I'm afraid it sounds like your mother is very manipulative. You don't owe your parents anything - you didn't ask to be brought into the world and those 'sacrifices' she made were part of her duty as a parent. Please consider reading 'You are not the problem' by Helen Villiers. She has a Facebook page and links to her group on Facebook.