DM doesn’t want me to move away

[Chocchip09]

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

But the OP is moving to Manchester

Not overseas

And her mother works full time

Therefore has no current care needs, that we know of

How long is it since you told her? We could be generous and say it was the shock talking but if she is still like that after time to take it in then it's pretty bad.

I wonder why it's just a daughter who needs to live near he mum, and not a son? How far will you be from DHs family?

Oh yes completely agree and like I said the DM is being selfish and should put OPs happiness first but I can see why she'd find this very upsetting and hard to process.

Grief makes you selfish in some ways. My DM finds change very hard at the moment so that could also be a factor. My DM also works full time and is in good health - we don't care for her, just provide emotional support.

I guess my point is she's being completely unreasonable but I can understand why if she's in a similar grieving pattern to my DM. DM would be devastated if me or DBs moved 2/3 hours away - irrational or not!

Perhaps it was the shock talking? I'd feel the same if my daughter moved 2hrs away but I'd hide my reaction and put on a brave face. It's OK to say get the train, do a day trip, etc etc, but it does take any spontaneity away. I hope once she gets used to the idea she'll see it's good for your family and will be pleased for you (on the surface anyway).

She just couldn’t allow us to move.
You're a grown-ass woman. You don't need her permission.
Nor did you ask for it.
Whereabouts in South Manchester?
Didsbury? Cheadle?
Which schools?

I understand her sense of loss.

Yep. I'm widowed too, and seeing my kids and grandkids once a week has become really important to me. I'd be quietly devastated if either set moved such a distance away*. Putting a brave face on that would take every ounce of strength I have. But I'd make sure I did it.

*I'm getting really tired of people saying 'it's only two hours away. That only applies if the mother lives next door to Euston (and the train pulls in as soon as she reaches the station) and OP lives next door to the station in Manchester. The house to house journey duration is likely to be 4-5 hours.

Moving out of London will be the best decision you ever make unless you have alot of money. Your DM is understanding upset but as a DM has to realize you need to do what's best for your family. She can visit or you visit. Yanbu. Move and have a better life!

You have the right to live your life and do what’s best for your family and children. Please don’t let her actions change your decision. She will ultimately get over it.

This is extremely manipulative and the 'hysterics' were put on to make you feel guilty.

You are perfectly right to put the needs of your own family first.

Your mother should not be trying to control your life and I think distancing yourself from her toxic influence is the healthy thing to do as well.

You are not moving to a different country and she is perfectly able to visit you in the future so there was no need for her tirade.

Focus on building your own life.

Your family will be better off with a nice house with enough space for everyone and less financial pressure and you will still be in a city with job opportunities if needed in the future so what you are doing is perfectly sensible.

I am so glad I moved out of London for a much better life and I should have done it years ago.

Issue is your Mother has no life. I assume she and your Father maybe did everything together? By that I don’t just mean fab holidays and interesting hobbies I mean schlepping round Tesco and chatting about the state of council bin collections.

As much as your Mother is being awful she is scared of being alone and she will be soon. I am in my fifties and have friends who are divorced and widowed now. These aren’t women who wanted to live alone and some are very lonely. Even though they work and have hobbies having 20,30 years with a significant other and then it’s over they are finding it very hard.

I lived in London when young for work reasons and I most certainly didn’t like it, my Mother was raised in North London and she did live there on and off and was a bit of the mindset of your Mother. When I moved North, she was horrified, another country would have been preferable. She had the sort of London centric mindset of the sort that gives Londoners a deserved in those cases bad name.

You and your brother need to live your own lives. Encourage her to meet new people. Does she work ? She needs a new focus.

Factoring in the faffing at each end, it's more likely to be four hours.

I'm visiting my son today, and on the trains it has taken up to two hours, despite it being only 25 miles away, because of delays and connections.

100% this.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. It has really solidified this decision for me. I do really sympathise with her and I agree 100% with the comments about her being lonely. I will continue to be kind to her and be an emotional support for her. It is not a decision I have made lightly but I think there will be benefits for all of us.

DM is in her 50s, very active and fit. Often on holidays and travelling around the UK for different conferences etc. She loves her work and is very passionate about it. She is always up and on the go.

I am seeing her this weekend so will bring this ip again. Hopefully we can have a more constructive conversation!

Op I am in the same position 12 years on…. and she never misses a chance to play the victim and how awful it is for her. I do not tolerate it anymore and simply say you are ‘welcome to stay’ or ‘you should consider moving here’ the minute she brings it up.

Your allocated duty at birth was to tend to her needs and look after her into old age. That is what is expected and that is what you will do - in her mind at least. She will keep going I suspect until you are there and beyond. She does not see the worth of your life, the best thing for your children nor the benefits of being safer, happier and healthier - only your function - your serving/caring duties.

Once you have moved and have some more distance you will see just how manipulative she is, and quite frankly your life and the kids should not be sacrificed to satisfy her.

Move. Start a new life. Don’t feel guilty or allow her to shame you. You have your own life to lead. Be happy.

I can’t get beyond her not “allowing” you to move.
Just who the hell does she think she is? Astonishing.
Do what’s best for your family. She’ll get over it.

I get it because my parents are livid I’m moving 18 minutes further away for the same reasons as you (bar closer to family). I have told them it’s not their decision and they are going to have to lump it, they never come to my house anyway and I’m currently only 10 mins away, so as it’s me doing the travel I think it’s ludicrous they’re so angry with me.

My Df was mega upset with me when i was moving north . I had to dig deep to find the courage . your dm will get over it and if she doesn’t it’s her loss .
our parents made their own choices now we do the same .
why do they think they get to dictate our family/life choices .

Put your own family first you know what’s best.

Not rtft but my mum put be in a similar.
position. Don't let it overshadow your move and do it anyway, trust me it works so well. She will love coming to stay with you and it'll give her a new lease of life in a new area, something to pack for an look forward to. It's just a shock and she should have handled it better but believe me it does work out x

She is completely unreasonable, but, sadly, her reaction is all too common. People get more selfish as they get older. And the older generation simply have no appreciation of how things are today and societal changes re house prices, jobs, schools, etc.

You need to do what's right for you, your OH and your children. Any sane/sensible parent will always want what is best for their children!

Your mother will get over it. In the meantime, don't indulge her emotional blackmail.

taxguru · Today 10:37
She is completely unreasonable, but, sadly, her reaction is all too common. People get more selfish as they get older. And the older generation simply have no appreciation of how things are today and societal changes re house prices, jobs, schools, etc”

Less of the ageism, please. We’re retiring soon and moving away. We wouldn’t dream of behaving towards our children as OP’s mother has.

We could be generous and say it was the shock talking but if she is still like that after time to take it in then it's pretty bad

I thought the same and still hope for everyone's sake that it'll happen

However OP said the mum has a lot of previouss for this kind of behaviour, which lessens the chance somewhat

Of course we understand the challenges of the younger generations. We live in the world and talk to people and many of us are still working full time. We're not living in a bucket at the bottom of a well.

I think you meant to say that 'some' older people get more selfish. And OPs DM is younger than me - she's hardly old, but you're right, she is selfish.

Could she downsize and release some equity from the 1 mil house to help fund your first home mortgage in London or outskirts of London within M25 as an idea, or perhaps help towards your house buy in Manchester even?! Just a thought. Good luck with your conversation with your mum this weekend.

@ViciousCurrentBun actually sounds as if she has a very busy life, so not like she is going to be sitting at home for hours on end all alone

People get more selfish as they get older. And the older generation simply have no appreciation of how things are today and societal changes re house prices, jobs, schools, etc.

Good grief. I have children in their 30s. I am only too aware of their struggles and consequently help them all I can.

As for selfish, any decision that benefits one person over another is, by definition, selfish. But no-one is calling OP selfish for choosing to move. Nor should they. Equally nor should her mum be chided for being upset at the move. She does, however, need to keep most of her feelings to herself.

If we want to ascribe anything to my generation, it's that once our kids are established adults, we're not to have an opinion, we're not allowed to show our true feelings, we just have to smile and encourage, however we really feel. It's the one thing that I find really difficult about being older.

If anything it's that we're expected to live an entirely UNselfish life and just shut up and put our children first.