DM doesn’t want me to move away

[Chocchip09]

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

She does know Manchester’s only 2 hours from London on the train? You really aren’t being u reasonable.

’Mum, I have my own family now and have to do what’s best for us’ - repeat as often as necessary.

Your mother is being vile

Move. Be happy.

DB is 23 and eager to move out with his GF. DM and DB have been butting heads a lot and he finds her extremely controlling.

So she has form then? I'd have been surprised if she didn't tbh, since her reaction to you moving away is so extreme.

I missed that bit.

I know someone who provided FT free childcare for their grandkids and once the kids went to school they moved to the other side of the world. Which is outrageous behaviour imo.

Just carry on with your plans quietly. You've done nothing wrong. She's fit and capable, you haven't relied upon her or taken advantage of her.

If she asks, just repeat the same answer in a factual way. 'Dc is getting excited about a new house and having lots of parks nearby, jobs are sorted and the house move looks good, we're very lucky' (and quietly encourage db to live far away also..)

For your own sanity, and the protection of your family life, you MUST move, OP.
Your mother is being selfish, and trying to emotionally blackmail you, which is not acceptable.
This is your life to live and, let's face it, you're not going far - what would her reaction be if you moved to Australia (which would also be fine, of course)?

If we’re being charitable, it’s possible that seeing your DB planning to move out and you move away, she’s probably feeling that her family is leaving her behind and that she’ll be lonely if she’s on her own. She probably will be, unless she tries to find things to occupy her, which shouldn’t be difficult in London. If she gets to know people, she might feel better about it.

That doesn’t mean that you should give up your plans. You have to do what is best to give your family the best you can. Especially as you’ve said that you’re happy for her to come and stay.

Interesting that she's said she won't allow it. How exactly does she plan to enforce that?

my mum did this to me over 20 years ago. The amount of regret I have that I gave into her selfishness, just to stop her from having aggressive tantrums, is massive. She died 3 years ago and I’m still full of resentment. Her selfishness and manipulative behaviour was absolutely shocking but I was too frightened to stand up to her.

Of course I would be upset if one if my dc lived away permanently because I adore them, but I couldn't imagine actively preventing them from doing so with emotional blackmail, especially as the benefits to you and your dc are huge. I think you need to move. You and your dh will end up resentful otherwise, and you'll never forgive her for getting in your way. Let her make the choice of whether to sulk in London alone and cut off or venture North occasionally for lovely breaks.

Enjoy your lovely new life in Manchester OP (fab city!)

Sounds like you'll all thrive being further away from DM. No-one needs that sort of manipulative, selfish drama in their lives - least of all your children.

She is out of order. Would she consider moving to Manchester too or is it best to not even contemplate that idea?

She can’t fathom that there is anything outside of London. She thinks your life is over if you don’t live in London.

Show her a map and tell her to turn off the M6 when she hits the cobbles!

I'm in no way trying to argue your mother's case here, but on a completely separate note, do either/both of you have a back up plan in the event your employer changes their mind on remote working?

Sounds like a move is just what you need. Don't say she can stay whenever she wants, that's asking for trouble.

Manchester is fab.

Are there cultural issues here at play? Seems an extreme reaction to cut you off otherwise.

I would feel angry and manipulated too. Totally unreasonable of DM. Do what's right for your family and move.

My DM said something similar when I was a teenager. I always wanted to pursue a career in the military and my mother forbid it. Any time I suggested the military was my chosen path, she said absolutely not and she “would not let me” do this.

I am very happy with my current lifestyle. I know I would never have had my children if I had stick with my original decision. I would never give any of that up but still feel my mother took something from me.

You do you. It is not the decision of a previous generation to decide your future.

I’d be interested to hear whether OP’s mum has ever owned a house, and if so how much it’s worth now/was worth when she sold it compared to what she paid for it.

OP I wonder whether she had an expectation that you would provide care for her in her old age? My DSis and I joke that in the case of our own DM, being born created a lifetime debt - she expects us to do everything for her on that basis. I moved away and have never gone back.

She is completely out of order to react like that. It’s Manchester not the middle of nowhere in Outer Mongolia.

What a truly nasty reaction.

At various times our family have been spread out all over the world and we have never begrudged anyone for moving away to better themselves.

Now a whole lot of us are closer together but as the younger generations move onward and upwards we rejoice in their doing well.

I would fuck your mother right off and move to Australia! 😂

She has always been quite manipulative

I thought that would be the case, OP; normally I'd say give her a few days and she'll probably come round, but maybe not in this case and of course you'll just have to go ahead, correctly putting your own family first

The pity of it is that her attitude's more likely to drive the family away than keep them close, but it's her choice and her consequences to take

Run, as fast as you can to Manchester !
She won’t allow it ? What ?
Let her scream and shout and stamp her feet and carry on with your plans for a better life with your family away from the manipulation.
I moved a couple of hours away from my Mum with my family for better work opportunities and family quality of life and my Mum always supported my choices and often comes to stay. I can’t imagine demanding my own DC stay nearby if they chose to move when they’re grown. We don’t own our kids.

Well you're in the prime of your life. You do what you want. Of course. Like she did.
Her reaction and words wouldn't be forgotten. I'd think far less of her now going forward. What a shame.
What are her plans for coping as she ages?