DM doesn’t want me to move away

[Chocchip09]

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

Sorry I’m confused? I’ve posted multiple times I just changed my name for this post

This is quite a manipulative thing to say.

@Chocchip09 you think you are having a hard time? I think your brother is going to have a much harder time that you!!! at least when you moved out, she still had her son there. if he moves out she will be on her own and will be on his case cos you will be too far away !!! she also thinks there is nothing outside of the M25!

With a mother like that the only reason that you are being unreasonable is by moving to Manchester and not Australia.

AI hunters are unbelievably dull OP, just ignore 😬

Fuck me, the second she played the 'it's a daughter's duty' card, I'd have been off. Why the hell would YOU want to stay close to HER? (It's obvious why she wants to stay close to you - so you will be able to look after her in her old age).

For context, my middle daughter at the age of 23 declared she was moving to Australia to live, and promptly did. My only words to her were 'I'm going to have some great holidays when I come to visit.' Even though I was distraught at the thought of her so far away.

AI wouldn’t keep using ‘myself’.

You should have trialled Australia first and then dialed back to Manchester - she'd be thrilled then!

Honestly, I’d have laughed out of pure shock when she said she wouldn’t allow you to move.

“I was informing you of our decision. Not asking for your approval and I quit needing your permission for anything years ago.”

Wow. She really thinks she’s in control of you.

South Manchester is really not that far from London. 2h by train into Euston. It’s feasible just for a day trip. If you buy tickets in advance it’s not too expensive either.

I agree it’s a lovely area for young families too. And the Peak District is just on the doorstep.

When you consider that it can take over an hour just to visit someone even when you are both in London, it’s not massively different to moving to another area of London.

Like a previous poster, my mother reacted like this when my husband and I wanted to move twenty years ago. We ended up compromising and it has taken me twenty years to start the process of pulling away and standing up for myself. Please do what is best for you and your family. A good parent should want you to do that and if they are not a good parent then living near them will not be a healthy or happy experience. Believe me, I've lived it! Good luck to you in Manchester.

We have a bit of a reverse of your situation - im originally from Yorkshire, i moved to London over 10yrs ago, met DH who is a Londoner and we've lived here ever since (we appreciate that we were lucky to be able to buy pre covid). We have two DC and of course it's tricky for my parents, but they have never once complained the way your DM has - they understand that i would never have got into the job I have if i had stayed in Yorkshire. Our eldest has an amazing relationship with my parents (the littlest is too little to really understand yet) - we video call twice a week, regular visits both ways, talk about them lots etc. YANBU to move away if that is what you and your DH want to do, and it can absolutely work if everyone puts in the effort. No way should you feel guilt tripped into staying!

The fact that it can take (way more than) an hour to visit someone within London, makes it pointless to say 'but Manchester is only two hours from Euston'. If it takes her mum an hour to get to Euston and then an hour to get from Manchester Piccadilly to OP's new home (and an hour could be conservative on both counts), well it's not that easy a trip, is it?

You have your own life to live. Do what’s best for you and your family.
I can’t see how it makes much difference to DM if you only see each other twice a month anyway.

You could still meet up twice a month.

As you say, she’s being manipulative.

Your mum sounds unhinged.

Sad she has made her children the be-all and end-all of her existence. But that is her problem.

Don't fall for her manipulation OP. Your move sounds just right for you and your family.

As you are an adult, you dm has absolutely no say over where you live, and her reaction was selfish, self-serving and manipulative. Tell her to get over herself and stop the histrionics.

I agree that you are not moving to Australia or New Zealand !

How old is your DM ?

Can she drive or get train or bus to visit you ?

You can still phone, email, zoom

Can she move closer to Manchester ?

Don't let her concerns stop you from moving

Its normal to be a sad, worried or even a bit hurt, but actual manipulation isn’t okay. We moved country, of course my mum was hurt, she was worried she wouldn’t have the same bond with her grandchildren. But as she isn’t a manipulative control freak, we were able to discuss her worries and make a plan so she could stay here as much as possible.

Manchester is still close enough for weekend visits on the train if she works monday to friday, its also close enough for the children to be dropped off halfway to stay for a few days in the holidays etc.

As her son is also planning to move out, is she worried about being alone when she is old?

You’re making a fantastic decision to move. Sounds like a no brainer.

Any parent who thinks their child should live near them in the same city forever is old fashioned and selfish. She clearly gives zero fucks about your happiness or quality of life.

I feel sad for her, I understand her sense of loss. Please be kind to her.
However you need to do what's right for you and your DH and children. Although it can be challenging when adult children really move on in their lives it is also a sign she did something right as a parent that meant you are independent.
Live in Manchester but try and be gentle with DM.

Your mums reaction was extreme but she’s not UR to be upset you’re moving so far away. My sister moved away and we are no way near as close as we used to be. There is zero spontaneity with meeting up. She’s super busy so you have to book stuff in months in advance - I’ll be honest it’s really tedious !

It's MANCHESTER not the fucking moon

Jeez. 2 hours on the train. That's all. She's already an hour away from you, so one extra hour

Honestly , some people are nuts

Your mother needs to stop being so bloody selfish and grow up

i hope you are going anyway

If you have a 23 year old brother and your mum works FT she can’t be that old! Even if she was, her reaction is out of order.

I’m mid 50s and one DC stayed in her uni town, I doubt she’ll ever return to London. She’s got a great life and I’m thrilled for her. Yes I miss her but we plan lovely visits or sometimes meet half way.

She's being selfish and ultimately she should put your happiness first.

However she's a widow and you have to be eats sympathetic towards her. I'm in the same position - my lovely DF died 2 years ago and my relationship with my mum has completely changed as she needs me . I talk to her every day and see her twice a week (she lives about an hour and 15 mins away). We would love to move abroad for a few years but couldn't as DM needs us right now.