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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn’t want me to move away

151 replies

Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 17:43

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 15/04/2024 18:36

What the phrase on the fridge magnet that people seem to have?

‘The job of a parent is to give children roots and wings …’ to fly away

Its your life - your decision and whilst it may upset her you can’t live your life to please her ( because you won’t please her)
ale the decision that is right for your family and live your life

Newestname002 · 15/04/2024 18:38

@Chocchip09

She also always mentions that she purposefully lived near her own mother because it was her duty as a daughter.

Is she looking to you for elder care in the future- was she the same with her mother? How old is she? You're not bound to do the same - your focus is on your own growing family.

DB is 23 and eager to move out with his GF. DM and DB have been butting heads a lot and he finds her extremely controlling.

What foolish behaviour on her part. She's doing herself no favours. 🌹

Riverlee · 15/04/2024 18:40

It’s very natural to be upset when family who live close by move away. However, you’re already not on her doorstep, or have a ‘pop in daily’ relationship.

Maybe if she sacrificed her life for her mother, some of those emotions (and regrets?) were spilling over.

Maybe also she feels you’re choosing dh’s family over yours.

Do what’s best for you and your family.

takemeawayagain · 15/04/2024 18:41

She sounds absolutely awful, I feel terrible for you and your brother.

TamarindJelly · 15/04/2024 18:43

Honestly, she sounds terrible.

Getting away from her is a huge extra reason for moving to Manchester...

Soonenough · 15/04/2024 18:45

Total overreaction. It is Manchester FFS. I would continue with your plans , ignore her and present her with a fait accompli . She may fear losing you and her grandkids to his side of the family . Assure her that won't happen. If your DB is moving out she may feel strange about living alone. However if she is young enough to work FT it seems care is not an issue.

She made choices in her life for her family that she wanted. Now it is your turn .

Scarletttulips · 15/04/2024 18:52

I would never do this to my children. I fully expect the eldest to move away once her degree is completed. And I will missed her madly! But they have to spread their wings.

A growing family is expensive - reducing your costs will give you more freedom, less of a commute, less traffic.

All large stories outside London have similar offerings!

We moved slightly further North and it’s been fine.

ssd · 15/04/2024 18:54

The only things i learn on mn is how not to behave like some of the batshit mothers/MILs do

Harvestfestivalknickers · 15/04/2024 19:07

She's being very dramatic and unfair on you.
The move sounds great for you and your family, its them you need to think about not her. She had her family and made her decisions now its your turn.
I'd ask her in what way are you 'betraying' her exactly? Also what sacrifices has she made? Do you remember asking her to make them?
She's being overdramatic as she senses being left alone once your brother moves out. Rather than see the benefits of the move for YOU, she has totally focused on herself.
Just stay calm and carry on with your plans, you've got to do what's right for your family.

Original poster
Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 19:14

LoobyDop · 15/04/2024 18:30

I’d be interested to hear whether OP’s mum has ever owned a house, and if so how much it’s worth now/was worth when she sold it compared to what she paid for it.

My DM owns her house and has paid off the mortgage. It is now worth 6x the amount she bought it for back in 2001. Close to 1 mil.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 15/04/2024 19:56

Well you cannot rent forever. Imagine retiring and trying to pay rising rent. Your mum is being selfish right now. She should want you to own your own home, and have spare money for family days out.

Ihadenough22 · 15/04/2024 19:58

Your already living an hour away from her. When you told your mother your plans she was far from happy and let you know this.

The reality is that you have to consider yourself and your own family needs before her need's.
If you can get a mortgage and buy your own home it gives you more stability as a family than renting. If your housing costs you less than your currently paying it gives you more money to save, put into a pension and have a better standard of living both now and in the future.

I know that some mothers as they get older they can become selfish. They can just see their own world. They have their own point of view and if you don't agree with it well then your just wrong. Their is the expectation that you will be available to help them as they get older.
Then they may need more care to stay at home long term.
I am sure she thought that long term you stay living where you are and be around to help her.

My advice is that you check out can you stay working from home long term. I would then go and visit the area your thinking of moving to and looking into the houses schools ect. I would even consider renting for a few months as it will help you get a better feel of an area and to know the areas before buying a home.
I would not be putting your life on hold or have a poor financial future to keep your mother happy.

I

Ihadenough22 · 15/04/2024 19:58

Your already living an hour away from her. When you told your mother your plans she was far from happy and let you know this.

The reality is that you have to consider yourself and your own family needs before her need's.
If you can get a mortgage and buy your own home it gives you more stability as a family than renting. If your housing costs you less than your currently paying it gives you more money to save, put into a pension and have a better standard of living both now and in the future.

I know that some mothers as they get older they can become selfish. They can just see their own world. They have their own point of view and if you don't agree with it well then your just wrong. Their is the expectation that you will be available to help them as they get older.
Then they may need more care to stay at home long term.
I am sure she thought that long term you stay living where you are and be around to help her.

My advice is that you check out can you stay working from home long term. I would then go and visit the area your thinking of moving to and looking into the houses schools ect. I would even consider renting for a few months as it will help you get a better feel of an area and to know the areas before buying a home.
I would not be putting your life on hold or have a poor financial future to keep your mother happy.

I

Roselilly36 · 15/04/2024 20:00

We found ourselves in this situation when we decided to move away, we still did it, it was totally the right decision for our family. Good luck OP, do what’s right for you.

SiobhanSharpe · 15/04/2024 20:04

It seems your DM has been very scared by your plans, hence her huge over reaction. She thinks she's going to be left behind, alone and getting older.
Now, I'm not saying you should reassure her she has gone totally OTT but telling her that of course you will still visit, as can she, it's not far at all and road/rail links are excellent etc might help her to come to terms with it. Meanwhile don't budge one bit from your very sensible plans.
Of course you shouldn't have to do this, as everyone has said, she is being most unreasonable and controlling, but it might make life easier for you.

vidflex · 15/04/2024 20:10

My son moved to Australia 3 years ago. When he told me that he was thinking of emigrating I was upset, but I didn't dissuade him. I wanted what was best for him, NOT what I wanted!. And this is coming from a woman who has a life limiting disease. Parents should always put their dc first. I'm thrilled that my son and his family have this amazing opportunity and I support him totally.

cheddercherry · 15/04/2024 20:14

It’s quite an easy one. Your children’s relationship with her WONT change that much if they see her 1-2x a month now vs maybe the same or maybe 1-2x every 6 weeks if you moved.

However their entire day to day life WILL materially and socially improve. They’ll have more space, more time with their wider family, more days out with mum and dad who will also be less stressed.

You do what’s best for you and your kids. It’s really not impacting your mum in the grand scheme. You can get a train from Manchester to London in 2 hours (we do it from the north to see family in the south, get a family railcard and crack on).

LoobyDop · 15/04/2024 20:20

Chocchip09 · 15/04/2024 19:14

My DM owns her house and has paid off the mortgage. It is now worth 6x the amount she bought it for back in 2001. Close to 1 mil.

Show quote history

Have you pointed out to her that the housing market she has profited so hugely from is the reason you have to move?

W0rkerBee · 15/04/2024 20:25

wow, dramatic reaction. I know it depends on her age and mobility but it's not that arduous a journey is it? When i was in London, my mum would get an early flight from Dublin to London and we'd have a nice long relaxed lunch and then she'd get a flight back home later that day! we used to enjoy that a lot.

now I'm back home with a 20 year old daughter and if she moved anywhere in the UK or Ireland I'd be ok, it would be a shock but I'd work around it. I'll admit I'd be v sad if she moved to America, Australia, Canada for example.

Noyesnoyes · 15/04/2024 20:27

From my point of view.....

You raise your children to have wings....

Where they fly, you can't control

But be proud you have them wings.

Noyesnoyes · 15/04/2024 20:28

Noyesnoyes · 15/04/2024 20:27

From my point of view.....

You raise your children to have wings....

Where they fly, you can't control

But be proud you have them wings.

Be proud you gave them wings

AdoraBell · 15/04/2024 20:36

YANBU OP you and DH need to do what is right for you.

My late MIL once commented “it’s so nice that everyone is home now” By home she meant living in Kent. This was because having lived in Suffolk and then Essex DH and I moved close to Dover. Over an hours drive from ILs, but it was Kent.

Our next move was Latin America where we lived for 20 years. MIL was not impressed with me for making her son move away. Apparently the man can’t make a decision Hmm

bombastix · 15/04/2024 20:43

You are very reasonable and your mother is not. The cost of raising a family in London is extortionate and you will have a better time in Manchester. Really what else can she expect? It's not that you hate her, but a good life no longer is easily made in London.

KidsandKindness · 15/04/2024 20:50

OP, I think rather than completely ignoring her, or going to visit only for her to go batshit at you again, that I would write her a letter, telling her all your reasons for moving. Point out that you have already said she'll be welcome to visit, and you will visit her too, and then tell her that she has two choices. She either accepts that the move is necessary for you to improve your life and that of your family, in which case you'll do everything you can to keep in touch on as frequent a basis as possible. OR She kicks off again next time she see's you, in which case you will walk away, you won't keep her informed of your future plans, which will still happen regardless, and she can kiss any relationship with you and your family goodbye, but either way, the move IS going to happen!

Then leave the ball in her court. She'll either phone you and rant, in which case put the phone down, or she will tell you that given time to think about it, she's realised that house prices in London are unaffordable for you, and now understands why you need to move. That it will make her sad, but she'll try not to make a big thing of it.

But whatever happens, please don't let your mother rule your life, she's had hers, it's your turn now, and she can either chose to behave herself and be included, or live a miserable, lonely old age, because she's too selfish to back down.

I hope you find a lovely new place to live, and will be 'happy ever after!'😊

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/04/2024 21:05

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