DM doesn’t want me to move away

[Chocchip09]

Hi everyone. Just a bit of background. I met DH 10 years ago whilst up north for Uni. I was born and raised in London and he is from Yorkshire. We have been living in London for the last 3 years. We have one DS and a baby on the way.

Myself and DH have felt that London has become far too expensive for us. Our rent is extremely high and we aren’t able to do things as a family like days out etc. We both have good steady jobs (completely remote) but don’t feel comfortable living here. With another baby on the way, we have been weighing up our options and have looked at a few areas in south Manchester to buy our first home. We absolutely fell in love with the area. We could easily afford a 3-4 bedroom house near good schools. Another plus is we’d be close to DH’s huge family so would have support nearby. I have a very small family and not much support. It would be an easy move for us.

I brought this up with DM and her reaction was terrible. I mean, really terrible. There were lots of tears and she basically said she felt extremely betrayed and disappointed that we would consider moving. She said she has sacrificed so much for us and couldn’t believe we’d consider leaving her (my DF passed away 4 Years ago and she lives with DB). I explained to her that we’d never abandon her and she would be welcome to stay with us as much as she’d like. Plus i would always make an effort to visit her. She was livid and said she just couldn’t allow us to move. She even went so far to say she couldn’t understand where she went wrong in raising me. I felt so guilty and hurt after our conversation.

But on reflection I just feel so angry. The whole conversation was about her and how she felt. She didn’t once ask us for our reasoning for moving or the pros and cons. I feel completely manipulated. I understand it would be a hard adjustment for her but realistically, not much would change. We already live over an hour away from her and see her once or twice a month. She’s busy with work and so are we. We have separate lives and I think it’s better that way, instead of living on top of each other.

I really feel I need to put my growing family first and I think this move would be great for us. But I’m scared DM will end up cutting ties with me. AIBU to want to move?

I'd work in to the conversation when you're speaking with her soon that if she continues down this path of 'not allowing' something like this to happen (of which she actually has zero control over), she's going to alienate both you and your brother as neither of you will want to be around or even visit with someone who puts such controlling demands to her children and grandchildren (if there are any). No one wants to be around someone who sucks the joy and happiness out of life.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have another conversation about it. She doesn’t get a vote in your decision, and discussing it may make her think she does, especially since she’s already said she couldn’t allow you to move.

”We’ll make the decision that’s best for us.” is all I would say.

This 100%, talking about it won’t bring resolution, in my experience, it just to more emotional blackmail tbh. You have made the decision, in the interests of your family, see it through. Good luck.

I agree. Announce your decision and then outline her options as you see them. The discussion should be whether she wants to relocate too, and if not, how visiting is going to work.

Giving her a sense she has a ‘choice’ is a little cruel. Be decisive and assertive. Don’t apologise for putting your children first or for the move. Acknowledge her pain, be empathetic to the change for her but don’t give her the impression she can persuade you into changing your mind. A good mother would support your choices even if they were detrimental- because at the end of the day we don’t ‘own’ our children - they have their own lives to lead.

Oh ye Gods and Goddesses, NO! Do not include her in moving. The absolute last thing you need is her up your butt while you’re settling in to a new place. No, no, no. Don’t breathe a word of it.

You need some distance and boundaries, so that your mother finally understands and accepts that she’s not in control of your family or the centre of your universe. Suggesting she move with you is exactly the opposite of what needs to happen

Go now before the DB situation blows up- she'll make your life a misery at that point.

huh? on the other threads about mothers you post about how difficult and unpleasant she is 😕 @W0rkerbee

So just an update for those of you interested or following -

I spoke with DM today and laid out quite clearly what my plans are. And she reacted as badly as I expected. Luckily this time I had prepared myself for the worst and wasn’t shocked at all when the tears started.

It was the same old story, the whole conversation was centred around what she was feeling and what she wanted. Except this time I didn’t back down. I explained calmly my reasoning and said it’s what I’m going to do.

She said she no longer wants to see me and will never come to visit me. So I guess she’s just justified my move even more!

OP, this must have been so upsetting for you. My DD has recently moved abroad and although I miss her I would never in a million years make her feel guilty for it. Manchester is fantastic, so much going on and great schools- also to own your own house instead of renting is the best thing for your family.

Your mother is trying to emotionally blackmail you. She really is showing what sort of a person she is. She is selfish. She is prepared to jeopardise her relationship with you over this, what's silly woman she is .

Wow does she often try to manipulate you with threats?

My mother did the same when we were considering moving. All the tears and stuff. I reminded her that they move away from their parents but that was apparently different. We didn't end up moving at that time and I really regret it. We did move later. You need to do what's best for your future. They may have raised you in one area but, if that doesn't work for you now, then of course you change it.

I’m sorry you had to have that conversation. The tears, the ‘all about me’ are just so manipulative. But to say to your own daughter you don’t want to see her again is off the scale nasty ….. you must be upset and she is behaving very badly.
You are making the right choice for your family, and she has to respect and support that.
I’m guessing this is also a signal to your DB too - I think he might also get the same treatment when he leaves home. You both need to stick together on this and support each other.

Thank you, it was very upsetting and even more so that she could so easily cut out DS too, who she constantly claims she loves SO much.

My DB was there during our talk and I’m so grateful for him. He validated my feelings and supported my decision 100%. He tried to help DM see reason but she would not budge. I hope he gets out of there asap.

I'm so glad you're not allowing yourself to be manipulated by your mother, who is being very selfish. Do what's best for you and your family, I wish you all the very best.

Whoa backsie there @taxguru ! Your assertion has been made with such confidence that you must have empirical evidence from a wide range of published research by verifiable experts to back this up. The 'older generation' is now classified as people in their 50's is it? I must have missed the memo. I'm in my 50's as are many of my friends and acquaintances and I can assure you that we are anything but selfish. We are all painfully aware of how things are today and societal changes re house prices, jobs, schools, etc - are we the exceptions to this rule which you have cited so confidently? I find it hard to believe that, by chance, I happen to know the only 'older' people who don't fit the profile you have seen fit to present as fact.
Maybe have a think about how rude and dismissive your comment looks to the 'older generation' reading it and try to understand the diversity of human beings before you pass judgement.

Prepare yourself for "health emergencies" as the moving date draws closer, OP; it's a fairly well worn path and I'd be amazed if she doesn't try it

I'm sorry - though not surprised - she was so difficult, and as said before this is the perfect way to drive family away and guarantee a very lonely old age, but that's her choice and she'll have to live with it

It doesn't look like that comment was aimed at you so try not to make it about you.

I'm so sorry she's doubled down on her stance. You're not doing anything wrong. For most of us, what we want for our children is a fulfilling and comfortable life over and above our own needs. With any luck she'll come round before you move x

Your mother has nothing to lose but to push you further. It is certainly the case that if she thinks so little of you she is prepared to cut contact - then you didn’t matter to her very much in the first place, and you are better off much closer to other family that treat you with respect and care.

I personally don’t believe her threats. She will come around eventually but will remain resentful but this will be the case anyway. There is no pleasing these types of people and it’s far better to stop trying and follow your own path. You are not responsible for her, you really aren’t, she is responsible for herself as a capable adult.

Be prepared for serious illness, cancer scares and anything else she can throw at this to keep you here. Remain steadfast and calm. She has choices, and can relocate if she wants to. She can visit and has many options. Your life and happiness matters too.

I was desperately sad when my youngest chose to move over 250 miles away. She knows I was sad but I never let her know how much. I would never have tried to stop her, she is an adult and makes her own decisions.

Your mother is not unreasonable to be upset, but she is extremely unreasonable to try to make you stay and to make such a fuss. If it means so much to her perhaps she should consider moving closer to you (not sure how much you would like that though!)

Oh god, move and be happy.

I too am really sorry that your Mother has continued to behave so selfishly OP, you must feel so sad, and upset that she is behaving like this. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!! As others have said, she'll either end up backing down when she fails in whatever her next attempts are to stop you moving away, or will end up a very lonely, miserable old woman. Maybe you can tell her that, if you speak to her again before you leave, as it's one thing for her to think she'll miss you being around, but another thing altogether when someone points out, that she's actually causing that loneliness by her own behaviour.

Good luck with finding a lovely new home, I hope you and your family will be very happy there.

@Chocchip09

She said she no longer wants to see me and will never come to visit me. So I guess she’s just justified my move even more!

How hurtful and how foolish to cut her nose off to spite her face. All she has done is to confirm you are doing the right thing for yourself and your own nuclear family and, if she's not recognised it already, the same for your brother.

Stay strong OP, as another poster said, there's more of this to come in the form of "health emergencies" plus the emotional blackmail you've already experienced, etc. 🌹

I guarantee that either your DB or your mother will be back in touch within a month of you moving. She won't be able to contain herself and he's likely to be in touch trying to find a way out of her web.

Best of luck with the move! Sounds like you definitely made the right decision for you.