to expect host to let her party guests know that she has a no shoes policy?

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

I went to a posh party with DH on Saturday. It was a fundraising event for a wheelchair and a hospital bed, hosted by a school mum who has a child in the same year as one of mine. (The fundraised wasn't for her child btw). We NEVER go to parties, certainly not posh ones. We are both shy introverts, but we definitely wanted to show our support for this one.

Anyway, I have this beautiful halter neck top and matching trousers from Reiss from about 20 years ago, still looks brand new, as I very rarely wear it. I am only 5.2", and the trousers drag on the floor until I put my Esska platforms on, and then voila, the whole outfit comes together and I feel a million dollars.

Upon arrival to the party I saw there was a huge pile of shoes and saw the people before us removing their shoes. The host stood there almost blocking the entrance until the guests were barefoot. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really wanted to turn around and leave. Instead, I had to remove my platforms and feel like a 5 year old in her mummy's clothes, constantly pinching my trousers upwards so I wouldn't walk on them.

I know that there was an episode in sex and the city about something similar and I detest the Carrie character, but I empathise with her on this one.

It could have been worse, as I contemplated wearing a cocktail dress which would have meant putting on my toeless tights, how embarrassing would that have been!!

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

Do basically you wanted to wear your dirty unhygienic shoes in someone's clean house and then came on here to complain about it?! 🤔

It wouldn't occur to me to make everyone dress up then deprive them of their shoes. I am trying to imagine it a cocktail party with everyone in their socks and tights or camilla and charles greeting people shoeless. v weird. Think just don't have parties.i would take my shoes off, obviously but wouldn't bother to dress up.Is this a thing shoeless cocktail/dinner parties? I dont think its posh. If someone arrives in a wheelchair can they keep their shoes on as long as they swap wheels?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t take your opinion on what constitutes rudeness to heart after what you’ve written.

Perhaps you didn’t mean to offend me so deeply but from what I’ve seen I’d not be surprised if you did. In my culture a guest’s every need is taken care of. Food to with dietary needs carefully researched, food to take home, a fully stocked cupboard of spirits/wines/beers/cider/mocktails/juices, music, party games, a spare deck of cigarettes and a lighter, spare chargers of every kind, freshly washed bedding for overnighters who drank too much, bottled water for the night and ibuprofen….

I assure you, the only person who hasn’t thanked me for a wonderful night was selectively mute. If your hosts are not the same it’s probably because you as a guest … are not the same.

Parties, shoes on. Outfits! Everyday life, sometimes people take shoes off, sometimes they don't. I have tiles and don't care. No shoes upstairs seems to be a thing though

I'm sorry if you feel really offended. Those do sound like kind things to do for a guest.

But I still can't change my perspective that treating guests like they're dirty and expecting them to change isn't good hosting. If you do, you do. We don't have to agree.

I often imagine a scenario where there's a sudden terrifying fire, darkness, power cuts out, people scrambling for their shoes in a huge pile before trying to run from it. I have a very common and very painful foot condition (plantar fasciitis) and I cannot walk or stand, let alone dance, without my unglamorous trainers with my bespoke insoles and various other pain-relieving devices inside...

Regarding heels damaging wooden floors I would put a polite note on the invitation requesting people do not wear heels, or at least take them off in the rooms with those floors.

I do not get the 'dirt' thing at all...wet, muddy shoes can be wiped on a doormat, most people have a hoover or at least a carpet cleaner.
People's smelly socks, stockings, tights, feet, verukahs - whatever - all over the floor give me the real heebie jeebies

All these assumptions re no shoes indoors seem very strange to me but I'm in a children and dogs running in and out freely sort of situation 🤔

If inside someone's house, I would always presume shoes off, socks on, mine included. As you step in all sorts outside and that's all I've ever known. Unless you have wooden floors that you can steam clean.

We have a big pile of slippers that we wear purely indoors 😂. Also in my partners culture wearing shoes inside is a big no.

However, if someone did not remove their shoes, I wouldn't make them. It would bother me but I wouldn't want them to feel unwelcome or embarrassed, so I'd suck it up.

Same here. Usually I have no problems whatsoever with shoes off, but in OP’s case it sounds ridiculous.
The party she was invited to sounds like the type of event that would call for a more formal, elegant outfit - and then the guests are asked to walk around in socks or barefoot?
I think the host is being unreasonable.

Shoes off isn't really a British thing and at a formal event it's very naff.

I’ve never ever been to a party in anyone’s house where I’ve been asked to take my shoes off. Complete nonsense!!

I'm remembering those famous pictures of the late Queen welcoming Liz Truss to her home at Balmoral, and the pair of them in stocking feet.

Another person who's never been asked to remove their shoes at a party at someone's house. I think that's a very weird notion. If people are so precious about their floors, they shouldn't have parties.

Apology accepted, thank you I appreciate it. Have a lovely night.

My first thought upon reading your post was that episode of SATC 😂

Its the one time I actually agreed with Carrie 🤣

But, I always assume when I go to someone’s home that I’ll be expected to take my shoes off. I’d expect it if people came to my home as I wouldn’t want my carpets being trampled over with dirty outdoor shoes.

So, yes she could’ve pre-warned, but I’d always go prepared by choosing an outfit that would be ok if shoes had to be removed

Come on. You're angry you were put in an uncomfortable position and were in uncomfortable surroundings. You made the effort and met an uncomfortable hurdle.

But they let out their private home for the charity occasion. They have a no-shoes policy. So politely go with it.

Personally I find such people dicks. But then I have both a dog and (the industry strength) Rug Doctor.

But even I gasp every time I empty the dark water from our very light coloured carpets. Seriously? That much dirt is in our carpets? But hey, almost that much dirt is in everyone's carpets. Even the one's who remove their shoes.

So get over it. And find more relaxed friends, or those who own their own Rug Doctor.

I have an unopened pack of men’s socks should you wish.

Parrty time!

It wasn't 'posh' OP - nobody upper class or even upper middle would dream of making their guests feel uncomfortable by demanding this!

In fact, most really posh people don't give a stuff about their floors and would happily trail in a load of mud and labradors......😁

We (not posh!) tend to leave shoes by the door unless it's bone dry everywhere - but I would never ask guests to unless they are close friends just popping by (and then they just would). For any more formal visit I would absolutely expect people to keep their shoes on - and certainly for a big fancy dress up event of any sort. I'm sorry your evening was ruined!

I need to sit down to take my shoes off, so if anyone expected me to hover on one leg in the doorway I'd have to either leave or they'd have to let me walk inside and sit down somewhere.

But, I always assume when I go to someone’s home that I’ll be expected to take my shoes off. I’d expect it if people came to my home as I wouldn’t want my carpets being trampled over with dirty outdoor shoes.

Even if you'd been invited to a Posh Party? Would you dress accordingly i.e an outfit that looked good with no shoes? I think that's really odd.

I would need a warning as I get very cold feet and would need to have brought my slip on warm ballet pink type slippers. I have one relative where I always take these with me as her house is always really cold.

I also wonder if there would be any negotiation for someone who has specially made medical shoes and who can’t walk properly without those on. And who can’t physically get them off unless she has a seat and someone to help.

😂

This whole problem arises from the fact the British use carpets which is a gross concept and forces them to do weird antisocial stuff like demand guests at a posh party remove their shoes so they don't dirty the filth trap floors. If they just had normal floors that could be easily cleaned they wouldn't have this issue

The norm???

I’ve never in my(long) life been at a party where people were asked to remove their shoes…ever! I’ve been fortunate to be invited to some very upmarket bashes and this would be considered VERY unacceptable.

I have never been asked to take my shoes off in somebody else’s house, except in Asia. We always change outdoor shoes coming in at home but that’s because we live in the country and are generally coming in from muddy fields. Very different to party shoes which have walked a very short distance and on gravel or a road.

I have a friend who hosts formal events and does not make her guests take off their shoes - however, day to day, she and her family and friends do take their shoes off. So I wouldn't necessarily have expected to take shoes off for a formal event. YANBU.