to expect host to let her party guests know that she has a no shoes policy?

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

I went to a posh party with DH on Saturday. It was a fundraising event for a wheelchair and a hospital bed, hosted by a school mum who has a child in the same year as one of mine. (The fundraised wasn't for her child btw). We NEVER go to parties, certainly not posh ones. We are both shy introverts, but we definitely wanted to show our support for this one.

Anyway, I have this beautiful halter neck top and matching trousers from Reiss from about 20 years ago, still looks brand new, as I very rarely wear it. I am only 5.2", and the trousers drag on the floor until I put my Esska platforms on, and then voila, the whole outfit comes together and I feel a million dollars.

Upon arrival to the party I saw there was a huge pile of shoes and saw the people before us removing their shoes. The host stood there almost blocking the entrance until the guests were barefoot. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really wanted to turn around and leave. Instead, I had to remove my platforms and feel like a 5 year old in her mummy's clothes, constantly pinching my trousers upwards so I wouldn't walk on them.

I know that there was an episode in sex and the city about something similar and I detest the Carrie character, but I empathise with her on this one.

It could have been worse, as I contemplated wearing a cocktail dress which would have meant putting on my toeless tights, how embarrassing would that have been!!

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

@Bignanna
No shoes on furniture.
I can't remember the last time I wore a stilettos, probably 10 years ago. That goes for my friends as well.
When I go to my friends houses, we tend to drink cups of tea / glasses of wine in the kitchen.
Unless I am explicitly told, which has only happened once or twice, I will not remove my shoes because I am not a child and my friends are good hosts

I change into flat sandles as does DH because we both hate slippers also a no to walking about in bare feet or socks. As mentioned in a pp I'd never order people to remove shoes nor would I expect to be ordered to remove shoes. If I was asked to do this I'd wipe my feel briskly on the mat, check my shoes for signs of dirt and if there was nothing visible I'd politely refuse.

I wear Ugg moccasin slippers in the house because they have a good sole so I can go out to bins, in the garden and get the washing in without changing my shoes.

My feet would freeze in winter without slippers even though we have the heating on all day

The Royal family has an army of servants and cleaners, so why would they worry about dirty shoes tramping about on their lovely carpets and polished floors? It’s not about people not wanting to clean their floors, it’s about not wanting muck from outside coming inside. Even if you wipe your feet, they will have been where dogs have fouled, and traces remain. Are you going to get the carpets shampooed after every visit? I think not! Surely the answer is to remove your shoes unless the host says otherwise?

Has it not occurred to you that there is a middle ground that most people follow- no need to take your shoes off when you come into the house, but take them off to put your feet up on the furniture?

In which case the host shouldn’t be hosting a posh party in her house as she can’t cope with basic etiquette (not demanding your guest change something about their attire on arrival) but instead should have hired a venue.

This dilemma isn’t about not wearing shoes indoors day to day, or occasional visitors, it’s about hosting a formal event. Perhaps it was her first time! Or perhaps she’s never been taught.

Yes, but a lot do lay on the sofa with trainers on, or put them up on the table, so just remove shoes when entering the house, it’s not difficult, it’s a considerate thing to do. Some have said they’ve never been asked to do this, which I find very surprising!

What socks? Who wears socks with a lovely pair or wedges or sandals. I'm with the OP on this one. I always take my shoes of In laws as it's their preference BUT I make sure I have socks on, in evening wear I wouldn't be wearing socks.

"Surely the answer is to remove your shoes unless the host says otherwise?"

Not for me, I'd never just take my shoes off at someone's door because shoes off is just not a thing IME.

If I've been to a house for the first time I do ask if it's shoes on or off, but have genuinely never had anyone say yes please, like I said before I just get looked at like I'm really weird for asking 😂

I don’t think that many are in formal evening wear or hosting posh dinner parties in their own homes, in which case you could add’ shoes are not required to be removed’ on the invitation ! Presumably you’d have tights on under your evening gown, or could take some elegant slip ons with you.

I think the host was being too forceful about it. I also think you were probably taking yourself a little too seriously.

The vast majority of homes I know have a shoe-off policy and when I remember I bring my slippers. If not, I'm in socks.

We take shoes off here but I don't require it of guests. Most of my friends do.

No tights with trousers no (which I usually wear - not the gown type). I think in this case the host should have pre warned, or not asked guests to remove shoes.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Agree with the comment that posh people don't ask you to take your shoes off as it indicates you can't afford to clean your floors - I would take this further and say that 'shoes off' means that you actually clean the floors yourself (and so care and notice about this sort of thing) and don't have people to take care of that for you..

Note: I clean my own floors which is why I do wipe the dogs wet and muddy paws coming in..

OP was the party at the person's house? if so I would expect the possibility of taking shoes off.

Maybe also at the therapist house but in a professional environment perhaps she should have mentioned beforehand.

No definitely not. But asking guests is the key point I think. I like to slob in my slippers and bare feet around my own house for sure.

If friends were coming round for a drink to sit on the sofa in front of the fire then yes shoes off, if they're coming round for a dinner party or similar with lots of other people, I wouldn't dream of asking/telling them to take their shoes off. Shoes are part of an outfit and I would personally feel very uncomfortable, dressed up, shoeless.

I recently went to a house viewing. We were told by the estate agent as soon as the door was opened to take shoes off, I didn’t expect this, but totally fine.
The house was filthy, carpets were stained, mould on the walls, skirting boards missing, a large dog lived there and the walls and carpets were muddy. When I left the main thing I have contemplated since was why we had to take our shoes off.
I guessed for some people it is a habit, even if rationally it makes no difference??

That's the estate agent asking not the owners I imagine.

having a 'no shoes on' party is crazy your shoes are part of the outfit.

Exactly and this is the point. If you are being a good host then your guests comfort is the most important thing here. So it’s up then whether they keep shoes on or take them off. It is the height of bad manners (and very uncouth) to stand at the door and demand people take their shoes off.

I also hate the description ‘ooh we’re a shoes off household’ I am a ‘guests can do what they like’ household. I’m sat here in my socks. Doesn’t make this a ‘shoes off household’.

In our house we mostly wear slippers indoors but if I'm doing chores, going in and out or wfh (an extension of the garage which is cold and tiled) then I'd probably keep shoes/sandals/trainers on. But no shoes on sofas or beds. I'd never ask or expect guests to take shoes off.

But my slippers are fluffy M and S ones and would look shit with any sort of party wear. Am i supposed to have a special pair to take to other peoples house? I automatically take my shoes off when I go to other peoples house because that seems to be norm but a party is different I think.

Have people never heard of mops and buckets? Or does everyone have carpet?

The ground floor of my house is totally tiled as imho carpets are very unhygienic so there’s no need for anyone to take off their shoes.
Any dirt brought in is quickly removed with some soap ,water and a mop.

I agree about carpets being unhygienic, people are not going to shampoo them as frequently as needed, but many have wooden or tiled floors with big rugs, often shaggy ones, so, imo shoes should still be taken off .

Yes! My dad. He gets up and dressed and puts on a pair of lace up leather business 👞. If anyone says why not some slippers he looks bemused ( and faintly appalled) and says:” I’m not an INVALID. “😂

He also only wear trackies if he’s exercising.

Oh and jeans for gardening

Eh?
That's exactly what I said!
people should be relaxed in your home!