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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated by DH asking me to cover up when I don't want sex?

433 replies

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 14/04/2024 19:18

There are times of the month when I really don't want sex but my DH will still be really horny.

At these times he will tell me not to sit in a certain way that shows my curves, or he'll cover my legs with a blanket if I'm showing any part of them. When I seem irritated by this he says he finds it too hard to see me in any way he deems sexy as he knows he won't be having sex with me.

To be clear, I'm not attempting to 'tease' him in any way; I'm just going about my life.

AIBU to find this behaviour of his annoying and controlling? Or should I be more sensitive?

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 15/04/2024 15:45

He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all.

These are not traits to be regarded as good qualities, they are just how decent people behave.

I am sorry this is your life OP. In time I think you will be able to admit it to yourself and only then will be able to consider how to live your life out of the control of someone else.

I remember being asked on MN "so when are you going to leave him then?" and just not being ready to admit it myself.

Comtesse · 15/04/2024 15:45

Oh love. This is really really bad. His paranoia is not your issue, it’s really not. Please take care Flowers

WinterDeWinter · 15/04/2024 15:47

You're a possession to this man, not a person. An object.

His worst nightmare is another man stealing his 'thing'.

Not being violent is such a low bar, OP - please get out of this abusive relationship.

ThisHumanBean · 15/04/2024 15:50

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 15/04/2024 15:20

Well, I’m utterly shell shocked reading about your life.

He’s one of the most frightening men I’ve read about on here. 😔

Show quote history

This. Whilst I'm as worried about the OP as the rest of us, this thread has given me chills about the sort of man her H is and what he is capable of outside the home. It feel unlikely the manipulative and abusive character is contained within the four walls of home.

Codlingmoths · 15/04/2024 16:06

This is sounding more and more like the only possible safe outcome is for the op to work out how to disable the tracker, just grab a bag, a car and leave. Drive to the police station near her parents, file a report for domestic abuse, drive to her parents. Leave everything behind. Never go back, never be anywhere privately with him.

lightmuller · 15/04/2024 16:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lightmuller · 15/04/2024 16:10

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Figgygal · 15/04/2024 16:15

None of that is normal op - hes a controlling and paranoid sex pest and that's minimising things

Floppyzebra · 15/04/2024 16:16

I've changed my username for this but my husband is the same.
He says that I'm teasing him when I'm not and he says it's like smelling food cooking in the kitchen but not getting any dinner.
Anything I do is considered teasing even though I'm not dressed in any way enticing and I'm not doing anything to tease him but he doesn't believe me.

BIossomtoes · 15/04/2024 16:19

Outliers · 15/04/2024 15:19

My partner has done things like this in a flirtatious and banterous way.

I can see how, when done in a very serious and confrontational way, why this would be inappropriate and aggravating.

I'm not sure if I see it as quite severe as the other posters. Doesn't seem like something that can't be addressed and resolved with a mature conversation.

If you seriously think that you need to examine your own relationship very closely.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2024 16:20

Floppyzebra · 15/04/2024 16:16

I've changed my username for this but my husband is the same.
He says that I'm teasing him when I'm not and he says it's like smelling food cooking in the kitchen but not getting any dinner.
Anything I do is considered teasing even though I'm not dressed in any way enticing and I'm not doing anything to tease him but he doesn't believe me.

Then please read this thread @Floppyzebra

I expect you have desperately low self esteem, absolutely no idea about relationships, and justify it in your head as him fancying you so so much, way beyond the other girls, that he can't help himself. No. He sees you as an object.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2024 16:24

Floppyzebra · 15/04/2024 16:16

I've changed my username for this but my husband is the same.
He says that I'm teasing him when I'm not and he says it's like smelling food cooking in the kitchen but not getting any dinner.
Anything I do is considered teasing even though I'm not dressed in any way enticing and I'm not doing anything to tease him but he doesn't believe me.

For your own sanity get rid of him. He doesn't see you as an equal, you're a fuckhole to him.

PenguinLord · 15/04/2024 16:24

Also @RaspberryRippleDuvet he does not idolise you, he treats you like a ... well I was about to include an unking word, so lets say a hooker, and checks on you every breathing moment to make sure you are not fucking around with other men. That's hardly being put on a pedestal.

Bellesbookshop · 15/04/2024 16:33

What have I just read?

I'm so sorry you've had this life for 25 years and what happened as a child.

Pl run for the hills.

Do you have daughters? What was he like with them? I hope you don't have daughters.

I'd have been gone way before, but the stuff happening when you were asleep I'd fly out the window!!!

What an utter weirdo.

Bellesbookshop · 15/04/2024 16:38

Do men actually behave like this?

Mines a lazy sod and leaves his clothes on the floor. That's as bad as he is!

Is this a real thread? The way the OP just says goodbye after saying all that is weird. Whole post is disturbing

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/04/2024 16:39

RaspberryRippleDuvet · 15/04/2024 13:23

I just want to thank everyone for their posts.

I am genuinely shocked at the responses as I thought I was being unfair to be annoyed by his behaviour.

None of you know him so I totally understand why you don't believe me when I say in every other way he's a wonderful husband. He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all. In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

If the tracker doesn't update properly then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked.

I'll confess that I'd happily go the rest of my life without sex as I really don't enjoy it but I make myself do it for him, as the longer he goes without, the more weird he gets. Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me.

Thing is, I really really love him, and he's given me a good life. Our children are grown up and out of the home now but he lets me work part-time so I can look after the house and our pets, and look after my parents.

Anyway, you've all given me a lot to think about - I feel a bit shellshocked actually.

It's possible he's reading this as he's an I.T. professional and it wouldn't surprise me. I suppose a part of me wants him to read it, and see how wrong it is. Maybe he doesn't know it's bad because I've always allowed it?

Thanks again. As much as I'm tempted to delete this as it hurts so much, I'm going to leave this thread up so other women with similar situations will know they're not alone.

Goodbye xx

We do know him, OP, he exists in many many forms and most of us have met one of him. It's quite likely he himself thinks he's just showing love and being wonderful, which would make it very convincing for you, but that's not what it is.

At the very least you ought to understand why you're unhappy and not imagine that the failing is in you. He's not wonderful for carrying out a few acts of baseline normal decency like not hitting or cheating on you. My experience of people who think doing the things you're supposed to do (like not hit or cheat on your partner) makes you a paragon of virtue are actually pretty fucking awful.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/04/2024 16:42

Bellesbookshop · 15/04/2024 16:38

Do men actually behave like this?

Mines a lazy sod and leaves his clothes on the floor. That's as bad as he is!

Is this a real thread? The way the OP just says goodbye after saying all that is weird. Whole post is disturbing

Do men actually behave like this?

Yes. In fact, many of them are far worse, which is why OP thinks this is fantastic and can't understand why she's unhappy.

Is this a real thread?

No reason to imagine it's not.

The way the OP just says goodbye after saying all that is weird. Whole post is disturbing

She's in denial, that's all. She doesn't want to be confronted with the fact that her husband of 25 years who she thinks shows amazing love is actually a controlling, possessive creep. It's completely understandable but no less unsettling for that.

Bellesbookshop · 15/04/2024 16:47

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/04/2024 16:42

Do men actually behave like this?

Yes. In fact, many of them are far worse, which is why OP thinks this is fantastic and can't understand why she's unhappy.

Is this a real thread?

No reason to imagine it's not.

The way the OP just says goodbye after saying all that is weird. Whole post is disturbing

She's in denial, that's all. She doesn't want to be confronted with the fact that her husband of 25 years who she thinks shows amazing love is actually a controlling, possessive creep. It's completely understandable but no less unsettling for that.

Show quote history

Thank you. Wow. Lost for words reading this.

Orophile · 15/04/2024 16:48

I have just read your last update and it sounds like you have a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

Please get some help.

LittleMonks11 · 15/04/2024 16:51

Wow. Last update is disturbing. Either a complete fake post or severe/profound mental ill health in both parties.

Trixiefirecracker · 15/04/2024 16:52

I think these behaviours are often insidious and maybe you don’t notice them as much at first and when they become more extreme over time you just get used to being treated a certain way and believe it to be normal, when it’s not. That’s not love he’s showing you, it’s control.

XelaM · 15/04/2024 17:26

In fact he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious.

What the actual fuck?!? This is so weird 😳

murasaki · 15/04/2024 17:29

It's odd that he seems to have the same reaction to you cheating on him and you being raped. Surely those would provoke very very different reactions, even post dream.

He is not a good man.

noonesayscheese · 15/04/2024 17:30

“He's never violent, never cheats, not weird with other women at all.” This is not the benchmark of men. This doesn’t make him wonderful. This is standard bare minimum stuff.

“Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me.” Sexual abuse.

“Thing is, I really really love him, and he's given me a good life… he lets me work part-time.” This isn’t love, you’re conditioned by him. He lets you work? Wow.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 15/04/2024 17:32

LittleMonks11 · 15/04/2024 16:51

Wow. Last update is disturbing. Either a complete fake post or severe/profound mental ill health in both parties.

I don't think troll hunting or questioning the mental health of the OP is helping at all 🙄😥
She must be feeling shook to read all these responses, if she's been with him for so long it's probably become her "normal" and hadn't seen how awful it is
She needs help and support, not chiding