AIBU to feel irritated by DH asking me to cover up when I don't want sex?

[RaspberryRippleDuvet]

There are times of the month when I really don't want sex but my DH will still be really horny.

At these times he will tell me not to sit in a certain way that shows my curves, or he'll cover my legs with a blanket if I'm showing any part of them. When I seem irritated by this he says he finds it too hard to see me in any way he deems sexy as he knows he won't be having sex with me.

To be clear, I'm not attempting to 'tease' him in any way; I'm just going about my life.

AIBU to find this behaviour of his annoying and controlling? Or should I be more sensitive?

@murasaki I completely agree. This is a very controlling relationship.

But I think there are lots and lots of women who are in relationships like this and who actually don't mind. It's why I think we often see the huge cracks appear once the children are in school or a bit older - prior to that, she didn't want to go out much and frankly, was knackered so she didn't notice that he didn't actually like it if she went out and found his wilingness to fetch her a bonus. She didn't want to work full time so was happy to have a part time or no job and for him to be in control financially as long as all the bills etc were met.

But then, as the children grow up and things change, the woman starts to want more control and autonomy and then things get tricky. His behaviour and preferences dont' change, but her perception of them does.

In OP's case, it sounds like even though the DC have long gone, she's still quite comfortable with the dynamic in most cases. In many ways, that's equally dangerous because it means it's gone on for so long and is so entrenched that even the smallest effort from her to extract herself is likely to go down astonishingly badly. I think it's really sad.

Your posts about your 'D'H just sound horrific, ghastly, vile.

You are being controlled. He calls it 'love' but it is completely fucked up. Nothing of what you have described is 'normal' - nothing.

So good of him to 'let' you work.

True, there is probably a lot of truth to that.

But not the sexual assault bit though.

Your updates are very disturbing.

@GingerIsBest , the 'lets' makes it sound like she needed his permission.

I recommend separate bedrooms

I recommend separate lives.

Oh my god 😂😂

OP, you say your husband is 'not violent'... but he is. No, he doesn't hit you. But he does sexually assault you. Masturbating over you while you're sleeping is sexual assault. You also said that he touches you without your consent if you share a bed. Again, that's sexual assault.

He has nightmares about you being assaulted by other men, but he assaults you, regularly, himself. This would be horrific in any relationship but it's even more horrific when you have a past history of being sexually abused as a child. He is no better than your abuser. In fact, I would say that he is exploiting your past history.

'Idolising' you is not an excuse for the amount of control and paranoia in your marriage. He is a coercive controller and he is abusing you sexually and emotionally, and he has gaslit you into believing it's just because he loves you. He probably does love you, but that doesn't mean he is a good man or that any of his awful behaviour is OK.

FWIW, I often have nightmares about bad things happening to my partner. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and a lot of my anxiety relates to me worrying that I might lose him. But I would never EVER try to control and monitor him in the way your husband is doing because it WOULD BE ABUSIVE. Anxiety isn't an excuse to behave like this. It just isn't.

It's incredibly disturbing that you clearly suspect he monitors your online activity because he is an IT specialist. That is not OK. Neither is having you tagged so he can tell where you are. It's all about control. He is controlling you. You don't even have control over your own body and sexuality.

Honestly, this is one of the most chilling threads I've ever read on Mumsnet.

@murasaki yup. Sexual assault on top. Pretty dire.

I just want to be clear that I'm not saying any of this is okay. Just commenting on how I think it happens sometimes.

Totally got that!

OP has Stockholms syndrome...

This is really gross.

My partner has done things like this in a flirtatious and banterous way.

I can see how, when done in a very serious and confrontational way, why this would be inappropriate and aggravating.

I'm not sure if I see it as quite severe as the other posters. Doesn't seem like something that can't be addressed and resolved with a mature conversation.

Well, I’m utterly shell shocked reading about your life.

He’s one of the most frightening men I’ve read about on here. 😔

@commonsense12

I'm not single

There's an implied threat in his statements - if you can't see that, maybe you don't have the experience some of us have had of abusive relationships.

I'll say what I like and OP can take whatever advice she likes - you're not the judge of who can post what.

Now off you trot.

Sums it up.

What a controlling nightmare he is!

And if they were lovely, they wouldn't be here scolding abused women, they'd be out trying to do something about abusive men. It's male behaviour and men are the ones who need to take responsibility, as a class, for changing it.

👏👏👏

This is really disturbing. 😔

Do you read your own posts? I am actually praying this is a wind-up. The truth is too heavy on my heart.

You say: "he idolises me. He is so scared of losing me it torments him, he has nightmares where I've cheated on him or been raped and then he's off-colour for days as it makes him so anxious."

That is not idolizing you. That is obsession and the fear of losing his control over you. This is not something "kind and sweet". Instead, it is horrific and scary as hell!

You say: "If the tracker doesn't update properly, then he calls me or texts me to check I'm okay. He drives me everywhere as he doesn't want me to be anywhere on my own in case I get attacked."

Again, this is not fear for YOU. It is fear that he cannot control every, single second of your life. He keeps tabs on you because he is AFRAID that you may make a break for freedom. He has had 25 years to break you down, and you have Stockholm Syndrome concerning him. The fact that you think that these behaviors are showing you LOVE instead of the control that it actually is, proves that he has broken you down into a Stepford wife.

You wrote: " I make myself do it for him, as the longer he goes without, the more weird he gets. Years ago I woke up to him masturbating over me."

This is not NORMAL. Not even a little! I will say that you have needed therapy to get through the trauma you endured as a child but he should have been helping you, not coercing you by "acting weird". Of course, ALL of his actions are weird, controlling and obsessive. You just cannot see it. I wonder how your children REALLY are like in life, living in this controlled, obsessed world of your NAAFC DH.

You then share: "he lets me work part-time so I can look after the house and our pets, and look after my parents."

He LETS you? Seriously? So YOU can look after the house, the pets AND your parents? I bet he makes you feel he is doing you a favor, and I wonder how he can "let you go" long enough to work PT. Oh yeah, he has a tracker on you! WTALF? I am surprised he doesn't go in the public restrooms with you...or does he?

You end with: "It's possible he's reading this as he's an I.T. professional and it wouldn't surprise me. I suppose a part of me wants him to read it, and see how wrong it is."

Don't worry, he KNOWS how wrong it is and has known for 25 years +. He will only be astonished that YOU have seen just how wrong it is! Of course, he is in I.T.! What better way to know ALL the ways to keep you under his thumb, under his control and you believing that this abuse is love?

Do you realize that if one of your children is a daughter, THIS is what she will allow in HER life? That, if you have a son, that he will think he can treat another human being as YOU have been treated and it's "okay"?

I have never, ever hoped and prayed that this is fake or a wind-up more than I have right now. My heart breaks for you, but mostly for your children.

I recommend all of the above, along with separate houses, separate countries, separate continents.

This is abuse. Dump and run.

Well you couldn't have vomited in anyone else's mouth, not unless you were snogging them at the time 😁

A mature conversation?
Have you read her other posts?!
He sounds like a controlling nightmare (to put it mildly)

Oh op. That isn't 'protective', that's 'controlling'. You are in an abusive relationship.

It is clear that you have no idea about how relationships should be. This isn't it.