Dp walked off from me - am I in the wrong?

[Haliloa]

So dp wanted us to go for a Sunday dinner this afternoon. We were in the shopping centre walking to find a restaurant to eat at when he stopped and told me to take a photo of him and our dear children that he could post to his social media.

I took the photos and as we walked off he then says ‘did you want one?’ Asking if I wanted a photo with our children. Wherever we go he always wants photos with the dc and will post them to his social media but will never include me, it’s like I don’t exist. So when he asked if I wanted one as we walked off it slightly triggered me as I feel a normal family would’ve just taken a family selfie with everyone included, just like I would’ve included him if I was taking a photo with the kids on a day out. It’s like he only remembered to ask me as we started walking off.

I simply replied no. I actually didn’t want one it wasn’t a big issue. But then he asked me again and I snapped and said ‘no I don’t and if you have to ask then it’s a real cuntish thing to do to leave me out’. I know I shouldn’t have snapped but this is the same scenario all the time, I’m always left out he just wants to show off him and the children like I am not there all the time.

anyway this bothered him because he completely walked off from me. I then caught up with him and he said he’s going home. I told him to grow up (may be hypocritical) and be mature as our children need to eat. So he said he wants to take them to eat without me and told me to go home. I told him ‘if that’s what you want’ and he said yeah that’s what he wants and he walked off and has gone to eat without me.

am I in the wrong? I know I shouldn’t have snapped, that’s what’s bothered him the fact I said ‘cuntish’ and we were in public (although no one noticed). But equally I’m tired of always being left out.

am I being unreasonable?

Having read all the updates, you need to ditch him. Yes you behaved really badly, but his behaviour in the relationship is completely unacceptable. Why are you with some who is trying to pretend they're single? Time he was actually single.

Do people realise not everyone thinks “cunt” is the devil of all words?

It’s the tone in which I was being spoken to that would bother me more

Oh love, why are you still with him? Please, you have one life. I wouldn't have left my kids either they must be so confused as to where you have gone.
If he is playing a game then stop letting him win! Get smart.

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’)

This is a pretty decisive, specific and relevant drip feed.

He's obviously an arsehole. You'd be better off out of this relationship. What on earth are your DC going to be absorbing from all this?

You both being silly. It's not important...both of grow up. Yabu and yanbu...you not right together so better apart

It’s not surprising that you're fed up of being a secret kept by your supposed partner so he can keep his options open. It’s also not surprising given the way you say he talks to you that he’s using text book abuser tactics now to punish you, exclusion, silent treatment etc. Ideally in his mind this will stop you from challenging him in the future and will make you more compliant. Is this life really what you want for yourself?

None of my family take selfies. All our photos will be missing one member - the person taking the photo. You get better composition, a feel for the surrounding area etc if some one else takes the photo. I doubt it's about leaving you out specifically, he probably just doesn't thing taking photos is about taking selfies.

She would like to be asked to be included in a family photo, not to have a separate one...

Please ditch this man. He doesn’t respect you at all. This isn’t something you want your dcs to witness or learn is a normal relationship.

If he is deliberately writing you out of his life to others, denying your existence and importance and regularly using that sort of language to you (as well as what you describe as worse) then he's abusive and you should leave him.

Also, you called his behaviour cuntish not him a cunt which isn't as bad.

This was your trigger and don’t be sorry over the words, now is time to decide what you want from this relationship either stay or leave.

now everytime he does shitty things call him out on it every damn time

my trigger was the shampoo and he ended up the ex after some horrible behaviour towards me and in the end the kids

The issue is that he actively leaves her out every time and asks her if she wants a photo as an afterthought. She feels like she’s not wanted.

The obvious way to fix the photo issue is to simply not take family photos without you in them. If he asks for a picture of himself and DC, take a selfie so you're included. Who does he tell that he is a single dad and how do you know about it?

Well I general I wouldn't feel like having dinner when my spouse calls me a cunt. But sounds like your marriage in general is not very healthy.

You're not being unreasonable for getting pissed off at being left out of a potential family photo, but your reaction was way over the top. My ExH called me a cunt and it was the final straw. I left him. I simply will not be spoken to in that manner, no matter what his problem is. One thing I've learned after two very long relationships is this; how you resolve conflict as often the pinnacle of whether your marriage lasts the course, or collapses.

Have you read OP's other posts? Her other half has a track record of pretending he's not in a relationship with her.

OP I'm not surprised you snapped under the circumstances. You and your kids deserve better than this awful man.

For what it’s worth OP, I understood the subtext from your first post - I’m so sorry you’ve had so many cuntish responses from people who can’t seem to differentiate between calling someone a cunt - although your DP certainly is a cunt - and describing their behaviour as cuntish. You already know though, don’t you that this relationship is over? You might not be able to LTB immediately, but you should start making plans to do so as soon as it’s possible. You deserve so much more than a man who continually denies your existence on social media and who is doubtless already seeking to line-up your replacement. Do you have family or friends who could support you while you plan to disentangle yourself?

It is normal for parents to want photos with their kids and when you are together, one of you has to take a photo, but there will be passerby who could do this. Instead of taking one of him with the kids, get a passer by to take it and see if he posts that on his social media. If he doesn't want that and doesn't post occasionally a complete family photo on social media then I am afraid there is a deep problem you need to calmly investigate, now.

It sounds to be as if you feel insecure in your relationship and who wouldn't if he doesn't acknowledge you are his partner, just the baby mom and portrays he is a single Dad, that is not normal and I too would be deeply insecure and concerned. That is a legitimate concern not paranoia.

You had a valid issue but executed it badly which it seems you know but then maybe you are at the end of your tether as its a discussion you have had many times and there is a limit to how long you can take that type of treatment.

If it was the first time you had discussed this with him, I wouldn't be surprised he walked away as it wasn't good. However if this is an old issue and you have explained your feelings with him portraying himself as a single Dad, I would consider him walking off as deflection.

Sit him down, acknowledge your language wasn't good but calmly discuss with him why he portrays himself as a single Dad and how insecure and invalidated that makes you feel. Don't be gaslite. I would also look closely at his friends on the social media he uses to find out who he is trying to impress with his super dad routine.

Its normal to be proud of your family, but its also normal to post at least some photos with the complete family....if he isn't really doing this in a way that makes it clear you are a couple and not just co-parenting, be concerned. If its him and the kids, with something along the lines of...me and partner out with our beautiful kids for Sunday Lunch, that is fine, but if you consistently do not appear and are not referenced as anything except a co-parent, it doesn't look good and I think you realise this.

And for those of you making nasty comments about her drip feeding information, she is simply answering questions she is being asked.

Follow your instincts Haliloa.

I wouldn't have lunch with someone who had called me a cunt. I consider my DP to have been abusive because he used to call me words like that. I react really strongly every time, I'd walk straight off too and make him understand it's unacceptable. In the before times, when I would just take it, it's because I was a victim of abuse and couldn't advocate for myself. I would have ended my marriage over it, but he saw reason and stopped.

Having said that, I wouldn't be in a family where he went and had dinner without me. I would have said no, we all go or no one goes. You need to find non abusive, calm ways of communicating your needs. Say things like "can we take anl selfie all together?" And "no, I don't find being left out of Sunday lunch to be acceptable. Me and the kids are going, you join us if you want to".

Edit: very sorry OP that will teach me no post before reading updates. He is a cunt and you were right to call him out on it. He's the one who uses words like that to you regularly and who pretends you are not in a relationship. Fuck that. He is controlling and a bully, excluding you from a meal as punishment for standing up to him. Honestly male his single dad fantasy a reality by leaving him. You don't need him, you're already part of a family of you and your kids. Don't allow him to normalise excluding you.

It was a drip feed to say that he actually tells people he’s a single dad

I'm a bit on the fence with this one, because this isn't a one off, your reaction may have been today, but it's a cumulative reaction to the last 100 times he's done this.

Are you mentioned on his social media at all? Is it like he goes out of his way to look single?

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’).

And there it is.. Sorry I didn't see the drip feed.

You are right. He's a cuntish cunt from Cuntington.

The next time he wants a picture with just him and the kids, tell him if he wants to have pictures to pretend he's a single dad, you won't be taking them, knock himself with his fake lone parent selfies. And honestly, leave the piece of shit.

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’).

Never mind a drip feed, this one is a tidal wave.

Of course you didn't mention it as you didn't want people to tell you to LTB - you obviously knew every sane person would tell you to leave the bastard.

It's not really worth saying much more is it? He pretends he isn't with you, and you put up with this shit. Until you stop tolerating such deranged behaviour from him then you're a bit stuffed aren't you?

And this is before you even get on the the verbal abuse.

Why do some women put up with such cuntish men?

What a foul-mouthed fuss about absolutely nothing .

Well this totally changes things and makes people such as me who thought you were being unreasonable feel a bit crappy.