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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp walked off from me - am I in the wrong?

231 replies

Haliloa · 14/04/2024 16:17

So dp wanted us to go for a Sunday dinner this afternoon. We were in the shopping centre walking to find a restaurant to eat at when he stopped and told me to take a photo of him and our dear children that he could post to his social media.

I took the photos and as we walked off he then says ‘did you want one?’ Asking if I wanted a photo with our children. Wherever we go he always wants photos with the dc and will post them to his social media but will never include me, it’s like I don’t exist. So when he asked if I wanted one as we walked off it slightly triggered me as I feel a normal family would’ve just taken a family selfie with everyone included, just like I would’ve included him if I was taking a photo with the kids on a day out. It’s like he only remembered to ask me as we started walking off.

I simply replied no. I actually didn’t want one it wasn’t a big issue. But then he asked me again and I snapped and said ‘no I don’t and if you have to ask then it’s a real cuntish thing to do to leave me out’. I know I shouldn’t have snapped but this is the same scenario all the time, I’m always left out he just wants to show off him and the children like I am not there all the time.

anyway this bothered him because he completely walked off from me. I then caught up with him and he said he’s going home. I told him to grow up (may be hypocritical) and be mature as our children need to eat. So he said he wants to take them to eat without me and told me to go home. I told him ‘if that’s what you want’ and he said yeah that’s what he wants and he walked off and has gone to eat without me.

am I in the wrong? I know I shouldn’t have snapped, that’s what’s bothered him the fact I said ‘cuntish’ and we were in public (although no one noticed). But equally I’m tired of always being left out.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jadedbuthappy82 · 14/04/2024 17:21

Haliloa · 14/04/2024 17:06

he uses language like this towards me, and much worse, on a daily / every other day basis. Very regularly.

I know I am in the wrong, I’m sitting at home very much regretting my words, but I also understand that going through someone so long and many times it ends up coming to a boiling point and I snapped. Which I shouldn’t have because now dp is going to do his usual tactics of ignoring me and leaving me to do everything by myself for the next week.

I didn’t include some information in the original post because I didn’t want everyone to initially hear and fixate on the ‘tells people he’s not with me’ or all the other things I could add in here. As yes, that is what will be fixated on and I’ll be told to leave the relationship etc. but I added some of it in now to give an understanding of why I snapped, and how I wouldn’t randomly / normally behave that way

I can relate to this and I really empathise with you. My ex did strange things like this that on the surface to others looked like nothing, but within the context of it being ongoing of him to ignore me, criticise me, devalue me over time I came to accept it but it still hurts like hell every time. He'd emotionally beaten down all my self confidence over yeas and it's not always as easy as leaving them. Have a Google of reactive abuse op, I didn't realise what was happening to me fully until I left the abusive ex behind. And we are now in our sixth year of family court proceedings since I left him, such is his abusive and bizarrely controlling nature. Private message me if you need a listening ear, it's bloody awful to live through. Ignore all the smug people on here belittling and doubting you, that is exactly what these men trust in..that you will react, seem to be over reacting or unhinged, and they get off on it. Here if you want to chat and I never ever regret leaving. I'm in all the photos now because I take them xxx good luck lass xxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/04/2024 17:23

Why couldn't you say 'let's get a family one of all of us in it?' And maybe later after kids bedtime say 'I feel a bit left out sometimes when you only want pics with the kids and not me, what's that about'

I've got a feeling this is just a symptom not the underlying issue though

YeahComeOnThen · 14/04/2024 17:23

Mrsttcno1 · 14/04/2024 16:42

And now OP is drip feeding potential bollocks because she didn’t like the response the first time😴

Still in the wrong OP, use your (nice) words and ask for photos if you want them.

@Mrsttcno1

she hasn't done a massive drip feed. She's just had to spell it out for some posters who couldn't get it from her OP.🙄🙄

YeahComeOnThen · 14/04/2024 17:25

Mrsttcno1 · 14/04/2024 17:15

It’s a family lunch, therefore the person who starts swearing and call the other parent a cunt is quite obviously the one who should be walking away and missing out on that lunch.

@Mrsttcno1

your lack of comprehension is woeful.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 14/04/2024 17:28

He does sound like a bit of a cunt.

Gymnopedie · 14/04/2024 17:28

MILTOBE · 14/04/2024 16:25

I'd wonder who was on his social media that he was trying to impress, tbh.

This post has had a few eyeroll/WTF responses but it was my first thought too. There have been plenty of MN threads where this was exactly what was happening.

And now it seems it's not so WTF anymore.

OP I'm not going to say leave him, but I am going to ask you to think honestly about what you get out of this relationship that makes it worth staying.

lightmuller · 14/04/2024 17:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PaperDoIIs · 14/04/2024 17:34

Tbh it's not exactly a massive surprise. And the main idea is in the OP, that he never takes family pictures, just of him and the kids. The fact that some people needed it spelling out it's not OP's fault.

OP rather than arguing so much, name calling etc. , make his online life a reality. Dump his ass and then he can really be a single dad. What's the point in being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel like this?

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:36

Haliloa · 14/04/2024 17:06

he uses language like this towards me, and much worse, on a daily / every other day basis. Very regularly.

I know I am in the wrong, I’m sitting at home very much regretting my words, but I also understand that going through someone so long and many times it ends up coming to a boiling point and I snapped. Which I shouldn’t have because now dp is going to do his usual tactics of ignoring me and leaving me to do everything by myself for the next week.

I didn’t include some information in the original post because I didn’t want everyone to initially hear and fixate on the ‘tells people he’s not with me’ or all the other things I could add in here. As yes, that is what will be fixated on and I’ll be told to leave the relationship etc. but I added some of it in now to give an understanding of why I snapped, and how I wouldn’t randomly / normally behave that way

It’s not a race to the bottom. Calling each other cunts. There is kids involved here.

honeylulu · 14/04/2024 17:41

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’)

This is hugely relevant. I started off thinking you were over reacting but now I see you called him cuntish (out of earshot of the children) because he is, actually, a cunt.

He's either keeping his options open, or he thinks you're beneath him, or both. Either way, he's a cunt.

skippy67 · 14/04/2024 18:07

MILTOBE · 14/04/2024 16:25

I'd wonder who was on his social media that he was trying to impress, tbh.

🙄🙄

SoreAndTired1 · 14/04/2024 18:30

Doesn't include you in photos SCREAMS who has a second family/girlfriend and pretends he is not with anyone.

It's pretty obvious what is happening here, OP. He doesn't want people online to know you exist. It's not normal for a man to not want a FAMILY photo. Men only omit the wife/partner for a reason....

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 18:37

Tatas · 14/04/2024 16:24

Tbh I'm shocked he was so calm, if you'd snapped at me and called me cuntish I'd properly have reacted much worse than he did 😂

Ask for photos if you want them, like he does. Don't snap and swear at someone like that either, especially not your partner! Horrendously rude.

The point is, he doesn't include the OP in his photos, she's just the photographer

She includes him in hers

So his offer was to take one of her and the kids, not the whole family and she is feeling hurt that he never includes her

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2024 18:38

Given your updates, he's either ashamed of you or he's fucking around on you then?

Sometimes the backstory 100% changes whether you are being unreasonable or not and this is one of those times.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 18:39

Haliloa · 14/04/2024 16:39

I didn’t walk away, he walked away. I then went out of my way to catch up with him and he said he wants to go and eat without me with the kids, so he walked off with them to go and eat without me.

I can guarantee I do not use this language, and would never use language like that for such silly things. I didn’t call him a cunt, I said it’s cuntish for him to have to ask. Especially when he knows this has been an issue for many years and how much it upsets me.

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’).

so yes it triggers me very much when he only wants to show off him and the children and leave me out when I’m his partner and mother of our children and we are all on a family day out I’m always the one left out

Why the hell are you with him? Why are you accepting being invisible?

And I'd be tagging him in every photo I took of me with the kids

lightmuller · 14/04/2024 18:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 18:40

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/04/2024 17:15

Actually, it wasn't clear in the OP - most of that came in one of the many drip feeds throughout the thread.

It was...

However, the point is, he's an utter pig and she shouldn't be treated like that

JMSA · 14/04/2024 18:41

If you wanted to be included in a family photo, why not just say that.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 14/04/2024 18:43

Changingplace · 14/04/2024 16:26

So she could’ve said that up front? This is a crazy overreaction.

i agree she overreacted but she should not be asking to be included in family photos. I can understand if it’s a photo here or there but from what I’m reading he does this everytime and cuts her out like she isn’t there or part of the family activities.

And frankly a man who feels the need to post so much on Facebook sounds icky to me.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 18:43

JMSA · 14/04/2024 18:41

If you wanted to be included in a family photo, why not just say that.

Have you read her posts... she explains

Surprisedcupcake · 14/04/2024 18:44

Based on everything you e said and how awful he is, why are you with him?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 18:45

as someone else said, I would be far more concerned why his wife never gets to be in his social media photos with him and their children...

there is soooooo much more to all this !

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 18:48

I guess you are not married to this ' partner ' who acts as if he were single...

I think he should be single !

Rockschooldropout · 14/04/2024 18:54

for those that wish to know, he has a history of portraying and telling people he is a single dad and not with me. He purposely leaves me out of anything he posts because he doesn’t want anyone to see me or find out about me (most people just know that he has a ‘baby mom’)

In which case turn his fantasy into a reality and dump him

FamBae · 14/04/2024 18:54

Make sure you take photo's every day of you and dc, post and tag daddy in at every opportunity, if he blocks you you'll know your done. Personally I couldn't live with someone who constantly denied my existence but I get that leaving might not be the best thing for you at the moment.

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