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AIBU?

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Original poster

Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

324 replies

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:50

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 15/04/2024 02:01

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 16:07

Only half?

The tenancy is in your name with his family as landlord and he’ll be living in it.

Expect to be screwed for the rent and empty the bank account accordingly.

Edited
Show quote history

This!

Healthyalltheway · 15/04/2024 02:25

Just wanted to say, OP you are amazing, you can do this and you have the strenght and smarts to do it. In a years time you will have wondered why you didnt do it sooner. Good luck and well done for putting your daughter and yourself first. It is the best role model you could be. There are plenty of amazing smart women on here who can help as you move on and out. Good luck

MusicMum80s · 15/04/2024 02:54

Make sure to transfer the extra for the security deposit to yourself as otherwise, you may never see that money even after terminating the contract. Make sure you cancel any bills that are jointly in your name as it could ruin your credit if he refused to get to pay them after you leave. Get everything sorted and then give the 1 months notice on the tenancy in writing and let him know you are leaving. Move in with your parents for the months notice period if you can.

AGoingConcern · 15/04/2024 03:24

Leave. If you're not willing to do it for yourself, you should at least be willing to get your child out of that situation.

What message do you want to send your daughter about how a partner should treat her?

TwinklyMintOPmaas · 15/04/2024 03:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newestname002 · 15/04/2024 05:41

MusicMum80s · 15/04/2024 02:54

Make sure to transfer the extra for the security deposit to yourself as otherwise, you may never see that money even after terminating the contract. Make sure you cancel any bills that are jointly in your name as it could ruin your credit if he refused to get to pay them after you leave. Get everything sorted and then give the 1 months notice on the tenancy in writing and let him know you are leaving. Move in with your parents for the months notice period if you can.

Make sure you cancel any bills that are jointly in your name as it could ruin your credit if he refused to get to pay them after you leave.

  • Also take meter readings (take photos on your smartphone in case you need proof do you have a date/timestamp) on your departure date or the date before:
  • Take copies of your utility bills with you so you have all the account details. Don't forget your internet account.
  • change the password on any personal accounts you hold (bank accounts, shopping accounts - inc Amazon, streaming services do he doesn't lock you out of those accounts and/or rack up huge debts on them
  • go online and change your address with Royal Mail ( postal redirection takes about 7 working days)
  • maybe let your daughter's school know your current situation so she can get extra support if necessary
  • ensure you put any sentimental items at you'd parents' home ASAP, together with any legal documents (marriage and birth certificates plus passports for you and DD) in case he tries to make things difficult for you.
  • ensure you have receipts of any big ticket items which you bought
  • if your salary goes into a joint account now, change that with your employer so that it goes into your own private account. Also change the beneficiary on your occupational pension, death in service, life insurance etc so he no longer benefits.

Good luck to you and DD for a calmer and brighter future. 🌹

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 15/04/2024 06:32

In leaving him you are showing her how much you love her & how much you love yourself. She’ll grow to respect herself and you and never take any shit. Well done. Leave him a packet of biscuits when you go.

PocketRocketScience · 15/04/2024 06:48

F*cking hell, this has made my blood boil, and it is only 0630 in the morning.

He is seriously abusive to you both. What year is your DD going into? Year 10 or 11? If she's 14/15 she can't work. That aside, this is a real power play and controlling. Your DD, who relies on the adults around her for food and shelter, is being told she can't sit down and eat. Your DD cannot do anything about this, but suck it up, whilst under this roof. She's trapped. Imagine how this makes her feel.

I think you need to talk to your DD in private. Ask her how she feels and tell her you are not happy either. Tell her you want to leave but don't want to mess up her studies. She may well say "let's go, I'll pack now". I think it is important to know what year she is in. If she is year 9, going into 10, you have loads of time for her to adjust. Even year 10, going into 11. If she has GCSE's this May/ June then you may want to wait till she's finished.

You need to be careful re the tenancy. Is there a deposit? How much would you be out of pocket if you walk away? Can you access any benefits? Take some time to get your ducks in order and minimise your financial hit.

Is your DH just verbally abusive or does his physical behaviour concern you? If he's just a mouthy arsehole I'd be dishing it back to him;

"I'm sure hot gym girl just loves having someone old enough to be her dad checking her out whilst she's exercising".

"Yes, I might go and ask her for some tips. Maybe someone will want me after all if I have a butt that you can bounce squash balls off".

"No one will want me? That's a relief as you have put me off men for life and I'm glad no one will be stalking me at the gym".

No one will put up with me and her? Yet, you are still here. Would you like me to help you pack?

Honestly, get rid. He's pond weed.

tensmum1964 · 15/04/2024 07:01

I know you probably don't feel it right now, but 40 is still young. You have the potential to have many happy years ahead. Your parents sound great which is another bonus. As for your daughter, do this for her. Show her what a strong woman is and that neither she or you should have to put up with being treated like this. Teach her to have higher expectations of relationships and to not allow any man to be this controlling and vile. Walk away with your head held high and your dignity in tact. Your daughter will love and respect you for it and you will be showing her what an amazing role model you are. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Yousay55 · 15/04/2024 07:07

Leave. Start a fresh, one step at a time.

ArrrMeHearties · 15/04/2024 07:20

Your life will change for the better without your husband in it and he can no longer abuse you and your daughter

Original poster
MrsCChris · 15/04/2024 07:58

Thanks for everyone who took the time to help me.

I haven't slept at all last night. Luckily I'm off work today but am panicking as I'm back at work tomorrow.

I work in the next town at the local hospital but he has taken the car off me and no buses from my town run to the hospital.

Panicking how I'm going to get to work and back.

OP posts:
TotteringonGently · 15/04/2024 08:05

OP, there's huge amounts of good advice on this thread. Please make sure you document everything with your GP, woman's aid, everyone you can do lay down teh provable fact you're being abused. Is it your car he's taken? Is it deliberately to cause you grief so you can't get to work? Another marker of abuse.

Are sure you document the fact he's thrown you out if you can, can you get him to put it in a text somehow? If you have made yourself intentionally homeless the council won't help you but if you are a victim of DV, they will. Please be aware that this may mean b&b accommodation in the short term. If you go to your parents, you will also need proof that they have to 'throw you out' for you to remain in a high enough band to secure a council home. FYI, some councils will actually help with the first months rent and a deposit if you choose to rent privately.

The very, very best of luck to you-this is the beginning of the rest of your happy new life with your girl.

BlueMoonOnce · 15/04/2024 08:05

He really is a bully. Has he taken the car because you have told him you plan to leave?

tensmum1964 · 15/04/2024 08:07

Men like him will do everything they can to make this more difficult for you. As hard at it is, show no reaction and manage the situation yourself. They hate it when they can't affect you, it takes away their power. Could your parents help with lifts temporarily? Don't feel embarrassed to ask for help. If it were my daughter going through this I would put my life on hold to do whatever it took to give her some control over the situation.

tensmum1964 · 15/04/2024 08:11

Also, if he's taken the car, that's half of your assets. I would take mire from his share if the joint savings in order to pay for taxis. Its then his choice, give tge car back or pay for alternative transport.

psuedocream3 · 15/04/2024 08:18

Could you rent a car temporarily with money from the joint account if you cant find any transport options? If he's going to take the car knowing you need it to work, what does he expect to happen?

I think you are better off out of there, he sounds unhinged. I would definitely be getting my ducks in order right now but please be careful, if you plan on leaving keep it close to your chest until you are ready to leave as you don't know how he will react/what he will do. Keep yourselves safe.

WappityWabbit · 15/04/2024 08:19

Take ALL the money, not half. Consider it part of his compensating you for treating you and your daughter like shit for so many years.

When I kicked my ex out, I waited until he’d realised he’d fucked up and was wanting to get back with me, and then I got him to sign over the house and mortgage to me. I told him it was small compensation for what he did to me and he meekly accepted it because he knew I was right.

Original poster
MrsCChris · 15/04/2024 08:19

BlueMoonOnce · 15/04/2024 08:05

He really is a bully. Has he taken the car because you have told him you plan to leave?

No because obviously we've had a row, the car is in his name. He takes it off me. He's done it before when we've fallen out.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/04/2024 08:27

I've read all your posts OP but not all the responses, so sorry if I'm doing "cancel the cheque" post, but do you think he may have engineered this because he wants to split up but hasn't got the balls to come out with it?

Nicole1111 · 15/04/2024 08:28

Hire car? Taxis? Offering a colleague cash for lifts? Sick note from the doctor because you are leaving a domestic abuse relationship?

Netaporter · 15/04/2024 08:29

MrsCChris · 15/04/2024 08:19

No because obviously we've had a row, the car is in his name. He takes it off me. He's done it before when we've fallen out.

Show quote history

Phone work now and explain your situation. Ask for the rest of this week off. They will be sympathetic. Take today to ask your parents to move you and your daughter to their house. Phone your daughters school and explain the situation to them so if there are extenuating circumstances these can be taken into account. Take all paperwork with you and take scanned copies of joint finance docs / pension statements etc.

You do not need to put up with this. Do you have a friend who can come and help?

Hippobot · 15/04/2024 08:45

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:50

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

Take your daughter and leave him and never look back. No child should be made to feel unwelcome in their home. You made a choice to bring this man into your daughter's life, now you need to choose her over this abuser.

Hippobot · 15/04/2024 08:54

Put your notice in on the tenancy. Don't stay there for the notice period, get your stuff moved out asap and make sure the rent is paid for the notice period.

MsFaversham · 15/04/2024 08:55

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 08:27

I've read all your posts OP but not all the responses, so sorry if I'm doing "cancel the cheque" post, but do you think he may have engineered this because he wants to split up but hasn't got the balls to come out with it?

How is this ‘insight’ helpful or useful in any way at all? OP is the one leaving. She is asking for support not for someone to tell her that her shit of a husband doesn’t want to be with her anyway.