Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

I would never stay with someone who treated my child with such obvious contempt. You have to think of your DDs welfare living with someone who is so volatile. The best thing you could do for both of you is leave

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm appalled at your lack of empathy. You do realise when some women are subjected to emotional abuse, they start questioning theirselves for a long time, wondering whether this is actually happening?

No wonder some people don't have the courage to discuss such matters.

Victim blaming. That's nice.
Do you think it's easy for abuse victims who've been ground down to just up and leave.
How about being supportive.

Wow. Nasty response. Not necessary. The OP is a victim of domestic abuse which invariably affects their children. Have some empathy.

@MrsCChris - your employer should have a domestic abuse policy that your manager can invoke to give you time off work to sort out your move etc.

Good luck. We know you are a great mother and you are protecting your daughter. Your lives will flourish when you leave that piece of shit.

I'm more appalled that you thought that was an appropriate thing to say!!

can you access work from your parent’s house without a car? If not could you borrow their car and save for a small car.

you are doing great. Ignore any negative comments

It won't be easy OP but you're doing the right thing, you know you need to change things. The damage that can be done to a teenage girl by hearing this kind of abuse is severe but you seem ready to show her you're a strong role model and take control of your own future, well done you 💐 x

@MrsCChris please ignore @Asheyr - some people have very black and white lives and are happy to say to others 'get yourself in a refuge' etc-. Those who have experienced this kind of stuff in life know it's way more complicated than that when schools, work , housing , access to money etc are all implicated and we are responsible people.

OP if you spend anytime on mumsnet you see how rare it is to put your child first and leave a relationship. So many put a man over their dc of all ages. You didn't. Be proud of yourself. I bet your dd is.

If you have any trouble with his family trying to make you move out immediately remember you have a tenancy agreement. They have to act within the law. If they’ve not provided any of the other documentation like gas safety certificate, electrical safety check, Energy cert, then any notice they give can be invalid. I know you’d want to go asap but don’t let them boss you around unlawfully. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/how_to_deal_with_illegal_eviction
And if they didn’t provide you will all the correct documents you can always report them to your local council after you’ve gone.

I was with a man like this once. My self esteem was through the floor. I was abused financially, mentally, emotionally and he spoke to my teen like 💩.

Walk away, don't be embarrassed to ask for help, your DD will suffer less in her exams than she would under the same roof as him.

Thanks for sharing. How are you doing now if you don't mind me asking? I have not stopped crying all day. I feel very low.

Oh good god get rid of this piece of shit! Honestly why put yourself or your dd through this. It sounds utterly miserable.

Hi OP, just wanted to reach out to say I’m proud of you. You’ve been put in a shit situation by someone else but you are putting your child and yourself first and you are getting out of it. It’s ok to feel sad - the relationship you wanted hasn’t happened- that is not your fault. You may feel anxious but you will do it. As others have said your local women’s aid will be able to advise on money matters. They also might offer the freedom course which I can personally recommend. The trust you work for should have a domestic abuse policy and should be able to offer some practical support. If HR aren’t up to much the chaplain service is often helpful even if you’re not religious.

Thank you very much. I will look into this at work. I appreciate your response.

@MrsCChris I'm a good few years down the line now. I have met a good man (there are some out there) and I often reflect on how my life was in the past. I can't believe I let someone treat me and my child like that.

Things will be ok, you just need to go through the tough part. Dont allow his behaviour to make you feel low.

Def speak to your employer about your situation. Could a colleague or any member of staff collect you somewhere? Do you have a bicycle or scooter? Obv not sure how far you have to drive. Also could your parents help with lifts for now. I’m sure people would be willing to help once they understand the situation.

He will have to pay child maintenance so that might help in the future?

Hopefully today is the worst day.
Have you had a chance to speak to your daughter yet? I bet she will be so much happier for this. That might make you feel better x

He's not her father

Thank you I'll try. It's helpful to hear from someone who has been through the same and come out the other side.

Your daughter will always remember that you put her first. You're going to be fine. Glad you have real life support. Good luck with everything.

All the best of the luck for leaving.

I've been watching your thread and thinking of you all today. You're moving in the right direction and you can do it!

One thought I had, could you move your daughter today to your parents? Let her stay there - it's someplace safe and secure - while you maybe find a friend near your work or even a hotel to stay in so you could bus to work until you get a situation that allows you to get to work more conveniently? If your daughter has good grandparents, they can be lifesavers to watch her and it will just cement that she has more people she can count on who love her (you, grandfather, grandmother). This will help her understand that SDad is in the wrong and it's not her fault, she's got a family who are backing her while mom works to change circumstances.

Best of luck, OP! You got this!