Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

Good for you, OP, your daughter needs to know she's your priority.

💪

You know what? I actually think you are an amazing mum - you've put your lovely daughter and her welfare as your priority and she will remember what you've done forever and will respect and love you for it.
You're a very strong lady and an inspiration.
Maybe try and get an appointment with your GP and also your boss, explaining what's going on - some companies offer extra leave for exceptional circumstances (they just don't advertise it unless they know an employee is really struggling and desperately needs some time off).
Wishing you lots of love and luck - you can do this x

Thank you for thinking of me today that means more than you will ever know.

I feel alone. I have my gorgeous daughter and my wonder parents but I just feel so alone.

I suggested this and my parents agreed however, teenager at 15, she didn't want to stay with her grandparents. She wanted to me with me. Which is fine, I just said I don't want you around anymore shouting.

I have an appointment tomorrow to go and see if we can get any help financial wise as I will be down to a single wage with a child and house to provide. Which I have been a single parent before, I know it's tough going.

Bad enuf,but caught the car confiscated bit.
<insert the worstest swearwords
Hope you manage to get time off\workable solution.Remember to be easy on yourself.
Changing your lives for the better.THATS the important bit to remember.
Is there a local womains aid to you?
They may be able to assist you with support ,practacalities etc. You already seem be questioning your reaction a bit? -taking cars his only hold of you any sorta "needing"him -YOU DONT...(its the car!)having their support can really help you while you transition into new place.Try to make sure your daughter knows this is your decision,YOUR choice, Hes pulled a snidey move mouthing off about crisps\nobody want you with her in tow...utter louse move.
SHE is not responsible for split \upheavel .HE IS. your off on good start support from parents.it will involve a bit of stress,,moving always does- try to remember THIS is all positive change. Probably set her in a more secure mindframe for exams than shouty n nasty mouth ever will. good luck

It's heartbreaking to read that you feel alone, although totally understandable. I'm probably close to your parents' age and I've been thinking about you too, as will loads of MumsNetters. We're your support army and you're being incredibly brave! Your daughter will be so proud of you. 💐

Before you leave, you need to make sure you are off the lease!. You need to make sure they can't come after you for the rent

There are ways you might be able to afford a car. For instance, suppose you were to share a car with your parents. You could either buy one together or maybe use their existing one if they have one - if you were to use it for work and they had it at weekends, say? Someone in my family shares a car with her son.

Another way would be if they were upgrading to a new car and gave you the old one or sold it to you at a discount on a favourable payment plan over a long period. A family member was given a car in that way by a well-off son. Another one bought a motor bike when a car became too expensive to run. It's much cheaper to buy and to run. How far it is to work? Depending on that, you could possibly cycle or electric cycle or go by motor bike or scooter.

And then alternative ideas such as the possibility of arranging a car share ride to and from work. Also some places have private coach services where there aren't public service buses. Is there any possibility of getting a transfer with your current employer to a different work site that is on a bus route or closer to where you live? Or going further, is there scope in your area for changing to a different employer for the same type of work? We have to get you to work by hook or by crook. It's important and one of the keys to your independent life.
Along with getting on council accommodation which is more secure and financially viable for your future than the private rental sector. It is worth fighting for that, getting yourself on the emergency or priority list and holding on to your housing rights meanwhile, rather than rushing away in a panic and in the eyes of the council making yourself homeless.

@MrsCChris

I'm sure it's already been mentioned, but since you are married it's probably a good idea to see a solicitor just to find out what divorce may mean for you. Even marriages with small or no assets and no DC can get 'sticky' if one party wants to be an arse about it. And you can clarify about the 'renting from his family' scenario. Better safe than sorry.

I completely understand your DD wanting to be with you. Even though this will be a change for 'good', it is still a change and change is scary. I'd suggest you both go, even if you have to sleep on the sofa or a blow up bed next to DD's bed. Is that feasible?

That's shitty about the car, but to be expected. He's going to be very vindictive. know car ownership isn't as prevalent in the UK as where I am (US) but I'm hoping your parents can help you. Do they have a car you can use even part of the work week or can they do school and/or work transport for a bit until you get things sorted? We often lend one of our cars to our adult DC and have also driven them to and from work when their own cars have been in the shop.

You are not alone. You are being cuddled in the Mumsnet Nest of Vipers™. And that's a very nice place to be.

@MrsCChris

Sorry today has been tough. Keep pushing through.

You can check out turn2us benefits calculator now to assess your position and of course see CAB as well.

Your mother?

@MrsCChris you are a brilliant mum, putting your daughter first.

I’ve been thinking about you today and I’m sorry it’s been a tough one for you. But you are being so brave and putting your daughter first - please don’t give up on this.

it might also be worth speaking to your daughters school - their DSL would, I’m sure, want to help if they were aware of the abuse you’ve both suffered/ are suffering. They might also be able to put some additional support in place on the run up to and during her exams.

I know you feel very alone but you’re not. You have your daughter, your parents and a massive Mumsnet network behind you.

This is a good website to get an idea what you may get if you claimed UC or other benefits.

www.entitledto.co.uk

I was just going to suggest running it through a benefits checker as you might qualify for UC,

I just wanted to say I was thinking of you OP. Wishing you the best of luck you have had some fantastic advice on here.

Well done, OP! You are doing the right thing. It will take lots of strength and perseverance and there will be shitty moments, but you are protecting yourself and your daughter from living with a horrible, abusive man.

I'm sending you kudos, best wishes, and lots of Wonder Woman vibes..... you are not alone! We're here supporting you!

I've been watching your thread and thinking of you as well. I understand how difficult and stressful it's to leave a toxic relationship while prioritising your daughter's exams and feelings wanting to be with you.

I hope you can get the financial assistance you need. You are an awesome mum.

Heya,

Just wanted to reiterate, please do not take your name off the tenancy or give notice on your tenancy before you get advice from your housing dept/CAB/Shelter.

It may not be in your interest to make yourself intentionally homeless.
It is a full on time and your head must be in bits but take advice and take your time making a properly informed decision.
Your ex needs to be the one to move out.

If you feel this will cause conflict and you don't feel safe, please first speak to womens aid to make a plan that will keep both you and your daughter safe.

All the very best

(It gets better, much better x)

First of all, pay attention to your teenager. Try to talk to him about what happened and find out his point of view. Perhaps there are some hidden reasons for his behavior or discontent. Teens can react to family stress and conflict in a variety of ways, so it's important to understand what's going on with your child.
On the other hand, it is also worth discussing family rules and expectations regarding behavior at home with your partner. Perhaps you both have different ideas about what is acceptable and what is not.

Did you read even the first post?

Oh dear god, you didn't even twig that the child is a girl!!!

"Hidden reason" for getting crumbs on her jumper?!!

I wouldn't be taking any advice from you!!

I am pretty sure that it's the same poster who gave the advice, to a woman who is being sexual abused, that she needs to understand the problems her NAADH might be having.

YEP--same poster. facepalm

I think it’s a bot. No one actually writes like that.

He needs to leave then. Today. Start looking for somewhere else to rent for you and your daughter. In the meantime, he can live with his parents.