Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

Its easy to say just leave, for your daughters sake. She is in her GCSE year, i get that you feel housing stability and little disruption is needed at this point in her life, I am in a similar situation although the abuse towards my child (also sitting GCSE now) is indirect not witnessed. But if the rented house is in your name can he be asked to leave? Can you speak to the family you are renting from?
Ultimatley you will leave, I am sure you are lining up your ducks, as I am, these things take time.
Some men are just foul, he is one of them.

In that case you need to get advice from Citizens advice or shelter about your legal rights. Take your tenancy document with you, you need to know your legal rights . They can’t just kick you out because they are his family.

Don’t whatever you do give notice until you’ve had advice, you don’t want to make yourself voluntarily homeless.

I know you probably don’t want to stay there long term but you might want to for a few months to get your daughter through her GCSEs and for you to find someone else to rent.

Although he’s a nasty bully and you need to get out, I’m hoping he’s not violent and you don’t need to get out NOW. You have time to plan a move in a few months .

Sorry if I’ve missed something and you feel unsafe.

You shouldn't have to risk your job by lying. I agree with previous posters who said to ask your GP for a month off sick due to domestic abuse or if you don't want to do that, speak to your line manager at work and explain the situation.

Are you entitled to emergency or compassionate leave? That would give you a bit of breathing space so you don't have to worry about how to get to work for a few days.

Could your parents help with transport?

Does your trust happen to have housing for Doctors/Nurses? Some have housing to move juniors and students/international staff into when they first join the trust for an interim period but my local trust massively helped out a colleague who was in a domestically abusive situation get out (they had family units available so daughter would come with you).

Failing that, Domestic Abuse charities? Any who cover your parents area who could help move you out to them?

Just want to reiterate that Domestic Abuse isn't always physically violent, and recommend this book - Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft

If you don't want it on your purchase lists or sent to home address, get into incognito mode on your phone and google the title of the book and "free PDF". I would link it here but it got deleted by HQ last time I tried and it's far too valuable a resource to miss because of a shared link.

I hope you get out soon OP

The things he is doing and saying has toxic narcissist written all over it.

Oh well then you know who has to leave.
Him and not you or your daughter .
Pack his stuff and make him leave them put a claim in for any supper you can receive .

I think you should start looking for somewhere else to rent though if you think that’s what the parents will want.

Don’t question yourself anymore Also put your child first

This is awful. I feel for you. Don't stay around. You are healthy, your DD is healthy, you will cope. Imagine if you still shackled to him and either you or DD fall ill or need anything in the way of extra help? Run and thank God that this man's character was revealed to you before it is too late (not too late now to run away). I am sorry to hear it.

Do it OP, don't lose momentum and don't question yourself. Get out.

My dad used to speak to me like this, he was my real dad too (not that it matters, abuse is abuse). It damaged me for life, l have battled depression, low self esteem, am a "people pleaser" and avoid confrontation because I am so scared of unleashing anger. A lot more went on as well as the nasty verbal stuff and it has tainted my life to a certain extent. Your daughter deserves to feel loved, safe and valued. He sounds vile, you and she are worth so much more

You're doing great @MrsCChris! Keep going, freedom and peace is just within reach ❤️

I will also be happy to come to the house you're living in just now, with my chainsaw, and chop that sofa into two. Your half and his half. See how he likes that eh? Bastard.

Thank you. This made me smile.

It's been a rough couple of days and night.

OP - super proud of you. You can do this and you're so strong.

Can you tell your line manager about the abuse? They should have a policy about how they'll support you. This can include emergency leave. They may also be able to help sort out a car share. If you don't feel up to work, you certainly can be signed off. This is an incredibly stressful situation x

I can imagine! Keep posting here for support, this is where the amazing women of Mumsnet come into their own. So many of us have been through similar and can give great advice or just a handhold throughout.

Keep strong for yourself and your lovely daughter. This period of your life will soon be a distant memory. Huge hugs to you ❤️

And remember, FannyFiggs Chainsaw Removals are at your service 🪚 😊

Why is this even a question? Why would you ever allow someone to speak to your daughter this way in her own home?

He's deflecting his unhappiness onto her so you make a choice that doesn't result in him ending up the bad guy.

Please don't be rude. I really do not need those kind of comments! Really.
I've spent all today trying to sort out help for us so just please don't!

Free from assholes at 40 is a wonderful place to be...ask me how I know! It's wonderful, really.
I wish you all the strength you need to get you and your daughter away from this prick.

It's awful that he's done that but please try not to panic or be rushed into leaving or not going to work because of this. I know that's easy for me to say but there are things you can do and you do have family support to call on. Ask your parents to take you to work and back tomorrow or to borrow a car from them if they have one or to help you out so that you can keep going to work. It has happened before and you got the car back. If he sees you with your parents' borrowed car he will probably then give you back access to 'his' car because he will realise that they are aware of his bad behaviour and it won't look good for him. And crucially, it hasn't worked.

Meanwhile continue with getting the advice you need to help you organise your plan of action and next steps to protect your housing rights and finances.

Can you move in with your parents?
Do you have enough money to buy a car? Or can your parents put you on theirs.

If so move your stuff out while he is out at work.
Move it into your families and hand in the notice on the house the same day. Be expected to pay the last months rent. So get the notice served.

Take meter readings and phone the council tax. Send him one message saying I do not want you to contact me, if you do I will report you for harassment.

Then serve him divorce papers.

No kids and no mortgage - don’t bother arguing with him just look to split asap.

Give your daughter the best chance in her exams and not to end up with an abusive dick of a man.

@MrsCChris Apologies, didn't mean to sound so harsh. Was just appalled at your DH, for both you and your daughter. Hope you will both be okay. <3

So glad you are out of there.
Call your manager - get it over with. Tell them what’s happened. They may be able to help.

See if you can get a car on a monthly payment for a while- perhaps your parents could take you to work for a couple of days while you arrange it? Take the money from the account of he’s taken the car, to pay for it.

make sure HR get new bank details if you’re opening a new account for your pay.

What a POS that man is.

Your loyalty is to your beautiful daughter, who should never have to experience a man treating her (or her mother) like this. By ending this now OP, she will remember you putting her first forever.

Move your money, plan ahead and get rid of him. You’ve got this!

If you’re nhs you won’t lose your job for going sick unless you’re already on a warning re sickness

Thanks. I cannot afford a car. I've just been working out what we will have to survive and a car it seems I'm not going to be able to afford. Fuel. Maintenance etc.