Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

I had a step dad like that, it ruined my teenage years to the point that I chose the furthest university from home and never returned.

If your name is on the tenancy agreement, HE can get the fuckity-fuck-fuck out.

He is abusive, verbally, mentally and emotionally to your DD and probably you.
Kick him to the curb, today.

You will find a good and decent man who values you and your DD. He will rot in the hell he has made for himself.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Edited to add:
I read now that you have great parents. If you can stay with them until you find a new place, great. If not, he should leave at least until the end of the month.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

@MrsCChris

Since you say you're concerned because DD is approaching GCSE year, ask her. She's what, 15-16? I'm in the US so not entirely sure. At any rate she's old enough to voice an opinion. And if you asked her whether she wants to stay put through GCSEs in your current home and then leave or whether she'd rather you both leave now for her DGP, assuming no school change, I'd bet she jumps at leaving now.

Edit: Obvs, don't say anything to her until you have all the details ironed out with your parents. But I'd ask mine if we could stay with them temporarily so we could get out now and then find another rental.

A handhold for you and your daughter. You are brave, and no doubt a wonderful
mother who’s had every ounce of confidence knocked out of her, as well as being gaslighted! Well done for bringing it to Mumsnet who will handhold x
well done for moving some of the money.
start gathering all the important stuff and as you go out to work each day, could you drop off at your parents? I’m thinking passports etc, certificates, important stuff of your daughters, photos type things.
do your parents have space for you both temporarily?
I know that you have a right to stay in the house as you are on the tenancy agreement but I don’t think it’s worth the hassle. He wants you both to F off so I would literally do that.
agree with many posters that your daughters GCSEs will go better for her away from this toxic man. I’m so glad you’re able to tell your parents.
let us know how things are going for you, with love x

Agree - have everything documented.

Friend of mine was abused by husband, in the months prior to leaving made sure GP, other medical professionals, women’s aid, friends all knew what was going on.

I wouldn’t hang about but definitely have it on record as it gives you good leverage.. aside from it also giving you good support.

This is bullying and harassment, please get yourself and your daughter away and into a safe environment before any further escalation.

@MrsCChris :( your husband made you feel like this and it’s just not true! There will be someone for you I promise! This man is abusive and not the way others are! Hope you get out soon x

This is what he has done to you and one of the reasons why many women in abusive relationships find it so hard to leave. Abusive men completely destroy your self esteem, it’s how they operate. His words of nobody will want you, transported me straight back to when I was in an abusive relationship. My ex used to tell me nobody would ever want me if I left him, alongside comments about how I used to be attractive when I was younger etc etc and so it goes on.
You are so strong op and can get out and build a life for yourself and your daughter. He is also destroying her self esteem, imagine hearing that no one will want your mum because of you. Get out now, you need to go when you have the chance! Good luck and you’ll be so much happier away from this abusive man. You will become yourself again, restore your self esteem, have friends and build your new life.
I even think the whole thing of having the tenancy in your name is a way of making it harder for you to leave. Just give notice once you’ve left and don’t look back.

OP you deserve better. He sounds awful.
The fact you are renting and on a month by month tenancy is a good thing.
It makes leaving him easier. You have supportive parents , and a daughter you are close to and you are working.
You are only 40 OP. I hope you find the strength to leave this man

if the tenancy is in your name - then he is the one to leave.

else pack up and go to your parents and have a safe environment for her GCSEs or ride it out until exams are over and go - discuss it with your parents and see what you can come up with x

Very proud of you OP 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

If you are homeless or at risk of homelessness and/or fleeing domestic abuse you will be placed in the top band especially with a child . Good luck.

You should’ve ended it right there. He is a POS.

Thank goodness you're on the way out of there. He is disrespectful, emotionally abusive, gaslighting you and bullying your poor daughter. It sounds awfully like coercive control and aggravated because it's happening in front of a child. Please speak to women's aid (your local one) as they can help you make a plan to leave and safety plan too.
If your daughter is about to head into her exams, I'd ship out as soon as you could organise a van to get your things out, especially if you can go stay with your parents while she's doing them. I would speak to school too as she may be able to have extenuating circumstances for her exams because of this upheaval.
Sending you strength and resilience, and hugs x

Poor child, this will cause unknown damage if it isn't addressed immediately.

What a disgusting post. How dare you make up all that shit about OPs daughter. Who do you think you are?

Have you read the OP's posts?

She is working towards leaving

I'd give notice on the tenancy after quietly moving your things to your parents/storage. Can you take a day off work, hire movers, and swoop in while your husband isn't at home?

This without a shadow of doubt.

@MrsCChris

You have some really really good advice on here already.

Your daughter will do so much better with her exams being away from this person, if you could go straight to your parents that I think would be wonderful, whilst you and they continue to look for a new rental for you.

It is brilliant you are on a rolling tenancy, you only need to give one months notice.

And as the property is owned by his family I bet he keeps it on, all they need to do is change the tenancy to him after the month's notice has ended.

but don't expect a landlord's reference - as they may very well be spiteful as they are his family.
do you have any paperwork that you can prove you have paid the rent ?
as this may be useful in obtaining a new rental - as you can prove a) it was you paying it ? and b) you were not evicted due to rent arrears.

Good luck - you can do this, and you will - for your daughter you are stronger than you think !!!

He's an abusive prick.

Bet your anxiety goes the minute you are free off him.

Show your daughter this isn't what a relationship should look like.

Yeah, nothing justifies his behaviour. My DH made me a sandwich the other day - am I being ‘mollycoddled?’

Honestly 🤯

OP - best of luck and get out of there as soon as possible.

It should not even be a question. Your dd comes first. End of.

Do it for your daughter

Get rid of him as everyone else says. I was the kid in this situation and now at 40 I’m still fucking scared of my own shadow. But my mum let it go on, so you stick up for your daughter. All the best.