Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

It would be really helpful on threads like these if posters would read the OP's updates

Because she is planning to leave...

This IS abuse. It's coercive control. You can live a much happier life than this x

Wow! He really is a nasty abuser. As you have a job, would it be possible to get a very small (and therefore cheap) car on a PCP? If you have time today perhaps you could look into this online? Ask your parents if they could help with a deposit for a car? If they drive could they pick you up and take you to any car dealerships?

OP, there is a lot of really great practical advice on this thread and I hope it helps you break free of this horrible man. You say that you never thought you’d be living like this at age 40. You won’t be at age 41 (or 42, depending on when your birthday is!). You’ll be free and settled and your daughter will see you as a superhero. You can change things. You’re an excellent mum for putting your daughter first. Wishing you both all the very best.

You will have a better life in the future without this man, when he won’t be able to wield power over you.

Firstly I would get signed off with stress for a month as you certainly have enough to be stressed about. Emphasise to your GP that you are a victim of domestic abuse (emotional abuse counts)

Empty the bank account, book a removal van and shift your stuff and dd's stuff to your parents if they have space and will take you.

Have you some money that you can buy a cheap run around so you can get to work in a month's time?

Also ring the council and stress that you are a victim of domestic abuse and ask again about housing. A friend of mine was in this situation and was housed within 2 weeks, she not only worked but actually is on the mortgage of the marital home and was still housed which I was surprised by. I accept this might not happen with every council.

@MrsCChris

Thanks for letting us know how you are today. Keep checking in and use the thread as a sounding board.

Sorry he has taken the car, he really is a knob isn’t he.

What are you thinking now? Leave straight away or keep him sweet and plan?

Are your parents in the next town? Or could you rent there to lower transport costs? Agree with others that you might need to put some of the joint savings down on a car.

Please try and not worry, he is doing this to control you and make you feel trapped, he only has the power if you allow him to have it. Also agree with the advice for you to get signed off for several weeks while you sort everything out.

Go through the thread and put all the advice that is helpful in one place to help you formulate your action plan.

Ring your manager and explain your situation today OP - if they are not supportive, speak to HR. Ring your GP surgery today - you are a victim of domestic abuse. Take some time time off and get out of that home ASAP. If you can't leave immediately, could your daugter go to your parents first? Otherwise she will be exposed to escalating arguments and abuse. Get your belongings out ASAP. Can your parents come over while you do this? Call the police if he becomes aggressive. You can do this and you will feel better for it.

Find somewhere else' to live and say nothing. Then give his family 1 month's notice that you as nd your daughter will be vacating the property and leave. He's an abusive prick. Look on turn to us and check your UC entitlement.

Hi OP.

Really sorry you are in this situation re work what I would do @MrsCChris
Go on sick leave for at least a week (you can self certify for up to 7 days including weekends, but get a sick note for stress after 7 days). You don't have to explain your circumstances exactly but say you are experiencing really stressful personal circumstances at the moment so need some time to sort things and this stress is making you feel unwell.

Move out with your parents if possible temporarily until you find accommodation, use the time off to figure out transport/whether you can afford to lease a car or something. There's also women's shelters and aid if you are really desperate but he sounds nasty and this is a toxic situation so do whatever you need to do.

I’m glad you’re getting organised to get out OP. He is not a good man. He is cruel and abusive to you and your daughter. You know this and see his behaviour. I am so glad you have support around you but do contact Women’s Aid if you feel you want someone to talk to in real life. You’ve got this OP. For you and your daughter.

Growing up, my dad went through periods like this.

His mental health was often pretty unstable, and he struggled with work-related stress a LOT. He was very volatile and difficult to live with - exploding over very minor things.

Honestly, I don't know how my mum put up with him. But she was stuck with him. She never really worked, would have had very little to support herself with. Just never saw a way out.
He did mellow a lot in later years and we got a lot of answers to explain his behaviour (a LOT of childhood trauma), but for many years, he wasn't a very nice man. And if the option had come for us not to be around him so much, I'd have probably taken it.

Your poor DD - she deserves better, and so do you.

zingally, thanks for sharing. Your experience with your dad sounds a lot like my home situation. Like your mum, I’m used to my DH now… Even though it’s so hard. But, reading how you felt. I don’t want this for my son. It’s taken time (we were close to splitting last year) but I think I’m finally able to see things through DS eyes, now he’s not a baby anymore… I do have the power to change our lives. Now, I just have to do it.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet, but please be especially careful now. Even though it sounds like he hasn't been physically violent yet, he could become so and the time just before leaving someone is the most dangerous time as abusers often increase the abuse if it seems like they are losing their control over you. Make sure you keep your phone on you at all times and if you feel unsafe at any point try and get yourself away and call 999.

But on the plus side, you are only 40, and your daughter is getting older and more independent so you could have a fantastic life ahead of you without this abuser. Look into doing the freedom programme with Woman's Aid to help with your recovery. By leaving you are setting a fantastic example for your daughter that we don't put up with that sort of behaviour from anyone.

I would absolutely pack mine and my daughter's stuff and leave. Immediately. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Phone in sick for a week and use that time to get yourself sorted with transport and all your paperwork/give tenancy notice etc. can you and your daughter move in with your parents just whilst you are looking for somewhere else to live to give you breathing space?

He sounds like my XH.

He used to take my purse to work with him to punish me for arguments.

I moved into a tiny caravan to get away.

Years later he’s got various kids and exes and last I heard he’d got himself a Thai bride. I hope she pisses in his tea on a daily basis.

@MrsCChris the issue isn’t at all whether she is allowed to eat on the sofa. It is because he is abusive to you and her in front of her. Majorly majorly damaging. This relationship is over, pease leave for good. You’ve had some good advice about the tenancy

Car hires and taxis are pricey and unless OP is management she is probably not paid well enough to be able to just can it to work and back every day.

Yes I can do that I'm just frightened of ringing in sick. The last thing I need is to lose my job.

Agree with PP he's an abusive arsehole. You and your DD are better off without him. As the tenancy agreement is in your name it's him who leaves, not you. If his name isn't on the agreement you have every right to get rid of him and you can apply for a court order requiring him to leave which the police will enforce if necessary. As the landlords are his family they may then try to evict you but that's a long process - but you'll need to find a new place to rent eventually. Don't leave the house you are renting though - you will remain liable for the rent even if you aren't living there and he and his familt could choose to maliciously pursue you for the rent even if you go and rent somewhere else.

He punishes you by taking the car away so you can’t work?

Yeah, abusive arsehole. You deserve better.

wow 😮 that would be enough for me to either leave or kick him out . Your child will thank you

Completely get that, that’s why I gave other options that might be cheaper or free. I’d rather help her find an alternative than allow him to abuse her through the denial of a vehicle. It sounds like he doesn’t need any more power over her and her daughter.

Do you know if your workplace has a car-sharing scheme? Is there a staff noticeboard, newsletter or online group where you could ask if anyone has a space in a vehicle from your town/village into work and back again at the right times? Can you ask around in your neighbourhood or stick up a notice on a community noticeboard asking for a lift? If all else fails, would it be possible to order a taxi just to take you to the nearest bus stop and back again for the next week or so?