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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

324 replies

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:50

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

OP posts:
tenderstem81 · 14/04/2024 15:52

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Mihijita · 14/04/2024 15:53

Just leave, for your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 15:53

Hes abusive. Remove yourself and daughter from this situation. You don't say whose house it is?

tenderstem81 · 14/04/2024 15:53

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Glenthebattleostrich · 14/04/2024 15:54

Get rid of him. Anyone spoke to my daughter like that and I would do them harm.

Popcorn640 · 14/04/2024 15:54

Leave him. Now. Your daughter deserves better than this. You are allowing her to suffer emotional abuse in her home.

Icanseethebeach · 14/04/2024 15:54

Well you would unreasonable to continue to expose her to this.

Skyrainbow · 14/04/2024 15:55

Your daughter can't feel safe in this situation.

TheMadGardener · 14/04/2024 15:56

Are you married to him? Is your house owned or rented?
He is abusive and financially controlling and also abusive to your child/traumatising your child.
Time to start separating your finances and planning a new life for you and your child without this abusive man in it.

I am in my 50s and have very clear childhood memories of witnessing shouting matches between adults at home and how distressing it was. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

onwardandupwards · 14/04/2024 15:56

Popcorn640 · 14/04/2024 15:54

Leave him. Now. Your daughter deserves better than this. You are allowing her to suffer emotional abuse in her home.

Exactly this

Springcat · 14/04/2024 15:57

That reminds me of my step dad ,it was the sort of thing he would say .
I didn't cry at his funeral
And I don't visit his wife in her nursing home
We reap what we sow

SiobhanSharpe · 14/04/2024 15:57

He sounds horrible, really horrible. The issues over sharing and spending money are bad enough but temper tantrums and bullying are over the top.
it seems like you are married (you say DH) so please see a solicitor before you leave the family home. It might not be the wisest course of action in the short term.

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:57

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 15:53

Hes abusive. Remove yourself and daughter from this situation. You don't say whose house it is?

It's a rented house. We rent it off his family but the tenancy agreement is in my name x

OP posts:
Longdarkcloud · 14/04/2024 15:58

The next little while will be difficult OP but it will be a weight off your mind and once the practical stuff is settled you’ll feel free and wonder why you put up with this behaviour for so long.
Good luck to you and your DD

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:58

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No that isn't true. I do. Thats why the row escalated because I went mad.

So we are allowed to eat on the sofa but she isn't cos she doesn't pay for it.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2024 15:59

Op. For your daughters sake, you should have left a long long time ago. Time to start putting things right.

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:59

TheMadGardener · 14/04/2024 15:56

Are you married to him? Is your house owned or rented?
He is abusive and financially controlling and also abusive to your child/traumatising your child.
Time to start separating your finances and planning a new life for you and your child without this abusive man in it.

I am in my 50s and have very clear childhood memories of witnessing shouting matches between adults at home and how distressing it was. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Thank you. Yes we are married and the house is rented.

I'm just in the process of moving half the money to my own account now.

OP posts:
WarningOfGails · 14/04/2024 15:59

Your thread title shows you know what you are going to do, well done for standing up for you both and changing your lives. The practical steps might be tricky initially but you can do it.

Geebray · 14/04/2024 15:59

Fuck that shit OP. Get rid of him.

You need to support your DD, not him.

blushroses6 · 14/04/2024 16:00

Please leave him. I had a stepfather who would speak to me like this and start arguments with me constantly. It was horrible feeling so unwelcome suddenly in my own home and I went from being quite a confident child to really shy.

Mercurial123 · 14/04/2024 16:00

Your husband (there's nothing DH about him) is a bully and doesn't like your daughter. You need to leave or kick him out. Grow a backbone and think of your child.

Geebray · 14/04/2024 16:00

Wait, I see that you are planning to leave him. Well done OP. Definitely the right decision. You don't need that abusive areehole in your lives.

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 16:00

Geebray · 14/04/2024 15:59

Fuck that shit OP. Get rid of him.

You need to support your DD, not him.

Yes I know.

I have started questioning myself because he says I exaggerate but I don't. My daughter was witnessing it all.

OP posts:
SuncreamAndIceCream · 14/04/2024 16:01

Yeah you're doing the right thing OP

I hope he will be happy eating on the sofa on his own.

tenderstem81 · 14/04/2024 16:03

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