Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

@Woahtherehoney

has it come out or do you have a multi colour sofa?

he says I exaggerate but I don't.

Classic abuser script.

I think if you boot him out his family will probably serve you notice to leave.
Speak to Shelter and Women’s Aid maybe? And if his family hold a deposit make sure you get it all back if you paid or 50% if you didn’t. ( might seem unfair to some but your husband sounds anything but fair so why not)

Yes thank you I have a whole new life hundreds of miles away as my ex is not allowed near either of us ever again….a big court case which protected us both. But I have CPTSD….but even with that at least I’m alive, I didn’t expect to be.

My abusive ex used to be like this with our children! He’d sit on our brand new cream sofa in his work clothes! When I dared mention it he flared up and said well I f#%king paid for it I’ll do whatever I like! He ruined it within months yet the kids weren’t allowed to sit on it. You and your daughter deserve better. Go and make your own happy life together x

Just wanted to wish you strength and luck as you leave this abusive relationship x

If you try to kick him out are his family likely to make things difficult for you?

Might be better for you to leave & have a fresh start, especially if your parents would put you up for a while.

How easily can the tenancy be transferred?

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck. You and your DD should not have to put up with that shit. Can she stay with her grandparents while she's doing her GCSEs? Would that minimise the upheaval for her?

You DD comes first and it sounds to me like he purposely created an argument over nothing. Telling you to get out in her earshot and his other comments, just crossed the line. Picking on a kid instead of having an adult discussion is not excusable.

Personally I would not budge, I would make him leave NOW as the house is in your name I believe and not his (a bit strange if he is the higher earner and its his families, if you don't mind me saying).

Pack your daughter off to your parents for the week so she is not unintentionally involved in the inevitable argument to follow.

Tell him that you need space and that as the house is in your name, he needs to move out and that you will hand in your notice and he can negotiate the tenancy with them. I'm assuming you could not afford it on your own but given his status with the owners, I think you would be best to leave at the end of the notice month. The last thing your daughter needs is a hasty exit from her home, so give yourself the month to pack up and move out.

You and your daughter deserves more.....more respect, more consideration and more adult behaviour. Sounds like he has anger management issues, but only you know the truth. Follow your instincts and look after you and your daughter.

If you want to try save the relationship, that;s fair enough but do it at a distance initially to see if he changes.

@MrsCChris I don't know what to do about the tenancy agreement because it is his family's am I better trying to find somewhere else for me and my daughter. be prepared to be evicted. the family own the house which is rented to you but under the law, they have the right to evict you so they can give to a family member = your husband!!!! remember when you leave you can take the damn sofa with you! you paid half of it!! bugger him

@MrsCChris

He's a cunt. She's 15 and it was a few crumbs on her jumper. Massive over reaction!

Then to say about you not meeting anyone else because of her. How cruel & disgusting. What other things does he have an issue with? Why would he say that?

Then telling you both to leave? Bastard. Nasty anyway, but the tenancy isn't even in his name -twat!

id tell him to go stay elsewhere tonight & you'll discuss who is moving where tomorrow.

theres a lot to think about before you go to your Mum & Dads. Don't rush into it, you need to secure housing for you & DD.

i don't know the council system, but I think you'd be better to go /call and say you & dd are being abused & you need to leave, but have nowhere to go, see if that gets you 'bumped' up the list. I imagine going to your parents will put you lower on their list.

what are private rentals like where you are. Here there's nothing coming up & anytime one does it's a Mn absolutely ridiculous price.

so you might be better off staying & telling him to leave, he's not on the tenancy, so you call the shots!! If he gets aggressive call the police, don't hesitate!!!

you are NOT over reacting, you are NOT too soft basically please ignore the SHIT that comes out of his mouth.

dont doubt yourself
don't let him gaslight & bully you.

once you get this sorted your situational anxiety will go away, you'll make friends & reconnect with. Old ones and your DDwill blossom once that wanker is out of her life!

you've got this!!

Why do you rent from his relatives?
I think you should get ready to leave and sort the finances. They'll kick you both out. He is terrible, please leave him...

? Your step Dads wife is not your mother or youve cut ties from your mum.. ?

I wouldn't be so sure about tenancy agreement. They'll find way to kick her out if they'll want.

As you’re on the tenancy tell him to go…….meanwhile you can look for an alternative place. Theres very little near us so can be tricky. Make sure any notice to quit etc are done properly and legally. You’re the legal tenant not him.

@MrsCChris He's a hateful bastard. He's financially controlling, penalising you, emotionally abusive towards you, and don't get me started on his treatment of your daughter!!

Do whatever you need to, to get rid. Your parents will be there for you x

You need to leave. My mother didn't and I despise her now.

@40weeksmummy

I didn't say they wouldn't, I said HE can't.🙄🙄

even if they do, this buys her time to find other accommodation & she won be making herself homeless, they will be & that helps with the council.

Now, did you have anything helpful to say??

You are feeling lost and lonely because he is abusive, to you and your daughter. Ask yourself why he feels the need to put you down and make you think you need him. The truth is that you will be (better than) fine without him. Good luck to your DD with her exams.

I bet you will not need the anxiety medication a few months from now

And your daughter will do better on her exams in a safe home

Can you ask him to leave tonight ? Are you going to leave ?

I mean there are so many positives to this.

You have access to move half the pooled money to your own account.

You only rent the house on a month by month basis so you aren’t tied to it in any shape or form.

You have supportive parents nearby.

Your daughter is of an age where she can have a part time job to contribute to her own costs.

You are going to be absolutely fine.

She will likely do better in her exams for getting out of a toxic environment and into a supportive environment.

Your DH obviously resents that she isn’t already in part time work and contributing, but it’s fair enough to leave it until after her GCSEs or only during holidays from school; most parents would support this.

You’re in England (?) so divorce is quick and you’ll likely get more money out of him because you’re the lower earner, he’s been abusive and made you homeless.

Get solicitor’s advice but it could be stay at parents until divorce finalised.

Honestly @MrsCChris, you read so many horrendous stories of women being trapped and having no access to money…. You literally have the option to escape this asshole pretty easily with minimal fuss.

I would get rid of this nasty jealous excuse for a man. NOW.

That’s great. I’d move out and in with them if possible then. Like tomorrow! Then get your stuff packed properly and leave him.

It’s mostly out but there is a pale blue stain that will forever remind us of the ice cream disaster of 2024 🤣

You are being incredibly brave and a fantastic role model for you daughter. End the tenancy and go to your parents. This gives you a few weeks to get settled before her GCSEs start.

sending lots of love - what a great mum you are.

When you do leave, give written notice on the tenancy. That why you can’t get stung in future if your (ex) husband stops paying the rent etc or his family says you are liable for it.

good luck