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AIBU?

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Original poster

Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

324 replies

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:50

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 14/04/2024 17:09

You are right to take your dd away from this man and leave.

However ..... despite his attack being wwaayyyyyy OTT and unfair does he have a point re you mollycoddling her?

Your teen came downstairs and wanted a sandwich so you made it for her, opened her crisps and topped them on a plate and got her a tray. All whilst she sat down?

I would have no issue with her sat on the sofa. But I do suspect from the picture you paint she's a bit of a princess who expects being ran around after and you facilitate this.

The relationship isn't working and is unbalanced financially though - so leave.

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 17:15

itsgettingweird · 14/04/2024 17:09

You are right to take your dd away from this man and leave.

However ..... despite his attack being wwaayyyyyy OTT and unfair does he have a point re you mollycoddling her?

Your teen came downstairs and wanted a sandwich so you made it for her, opened her crisps and topped them on a plate and got her a tray. All whilst she sat down?

I would have no issue with her sat on the sofa. But I do suspect from the picture you paint she's a bit of a princess who expects being ran around after and you facilitate this.

The relationship isn't working and is unbalanced financially though - so leave.

No where does she say she opened the crisps and topped them on a plate. You've made that up. Theres also no other information to go on to presume her daughter is treated like a princess. Her husband is a bully and is taking it out on a teenage girl. And you looking to blame her somehow says a lot about you.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/04/2024 17:18

He sounds absolutely horrible. I'm glad you are taking steps- your daughter needs to be away from this nasty man.

TheCatOnTheBedIsAllMineAllMine · 14/04/2024 17:21

No man would be allowed to talk to my child like that. Her over him any time. Complete overreaction by an abusive arsehole

DaisyHaites · 14/04/2024 17:23

Time to teach your daughter that she should never accept someone speaking to her like that.

Unfortunately it’s a hard road, but she needs to see this is unacceptable in a relationship, so she has the strength to move on too if it happens to her.

kalokagathos · 14/04/2024 17:48

Mihijita · 14/04/2024 15:53

Just leave, for your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.

This. 100%. Your DD should only see a good example of how to deal with a bad excuse for a man! Do you want her to end up with someone like that?

VJBR · 14/04/2024 17:57

Can’t you go to your parents? Please put your daughter first.

Angelsrose · 14/04/2024 18:03

Please run far and fast from this total loser. I feel so bad for you and your daughter being treated so appallingly.

Gettingonmygoat · 14/04/2024 18:24

Start divorce proceedings tomorrow.

MILTOBE · 14/04/2024 18:25

Stay calm and say to your daughter, "I'm not going to put up with this. We deserve better." That is the biggest lesson you can teach her and it's one she will always remember.

I'm not sure about the legalities of the lease. It's complicated by the fact it's his family's house. Why are you the leaseholder and not him?

AllTheMiniEggs · 14/04/2024 18:29

My 'D'P was a prick to my DD too.

He's my ex now.

Imagine how she'd feel as an adult looking back and remembering that you stood by and allowed her to be treated like this.

DC come first. Always.

Mama2many73 · 14/04/2024 18:31

Oh you know it, move out but reassure your daughter this wasn't because of her and that her SD is an absolute arsehole, and that she, and you , deserve so much better !
If the tenancy is your name can you insist he leaves (even with his family link) or break the tenancy agreement if they become unreasonable!

Can I just say i dontknow you but i am so proud of you!! You say you're feeling lost but that probably because that 'man' has been gaslighting you, verbally, emotionally and financially abusing you and controlling you.
Just think how wonderful you will feel with out that in your life!!

willWillSmithsmith · 14/04/2024 18:35

Leave him. He sounds an utter jerk. Being on your own is better than being with that thing. I would never allow my teens to be subjected to such treatment so please leave for her sake if not yours.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/04/2024 18:37

itsgettingweird · 14/04/2024 17:09

You are right to take your dd away from this man and leave.

However ..... despite his attack being wwaayyyyyy OTT and unfair does he have a point re you mollycoddling her?

Your teen came downstairs and wanted a sandwich so you made it for her, opened her crisps and topped them on a plate and got her a tray. All whilst she sat down?

I would have no issue with her sat on the sofa. But I do suspect from the picture you paint she's a bit of a princess who expects being ran around after and you facilitate this.

The relationship isn't working and is unbalanced financially though - so leave.

There’s nothing wrong with making your teen a snack, you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Original poster
MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 18:42

Mama2many73 · 14/04/2024 18:31

Oh you know it, move out but reassure your daughter this wasn't because of her and that her SD is an absolute arsehole, and that she, and you , deserve so much better !
If the tenancy is your name can you insist he leaves (even with his family link) or break the tenancy agreement if they become unreasonable!

Can I just say i dontknow you but i am so proud of you!! You say you're feeling lost but that probably because that 'man' has been gaslighting you, verbally, emotionally and financially abusing you and controlling you.
Just think how wonderful you will feel with out that in your life!!

Edited

Thank you that means a lot. I don't know what to do about the tenancy agreement because it is his family's am I better trying to find somewhere else for me and my daughter.

OP posts:
Bekindmyarse · 14/04/2024 18:43

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 16:16

My anxiety has been bad for a while. I am on medication.

I feel a little lost. I'm 40, I don't really see my friends anymore only those at work. I just have my child and my parents.

I have no other children and I am an only child.

Things will get better. I hope that you can see a brighter future for you and your daughter once you’re away from this toxic marriage. You deserve to be happy and you’re only 40. Time for life to begin

NotDavidTennant · 14/04/2024 18:50

How long is left on the tenancy?

TheLambsArePlayingTig · 14/04/2024 18:54

My step dad was like this with me.
My mum didn't intervene and I grew to be a very strong person. It would have been nicer to be protected though. Less stress and anxiety.

Don't let him bully her x

Pickled21 · 14/04/2024 18:59

I wouldn't allow anyone to speak about my child in that way. You know it's unacceptable and that he isn't fitt to be in her presence. I'd be reassuring your dd that there is nothing wrong with her and that his reaction was extreme. I'd then be getting your shit together because both of you deserve better. Go to see your gp re anxiety, you can do cbt online at the very least and discuss whether medication would help until you can get counselling. You are doing the right thing in leaving here op, don't second guess yourself or allow yourself to be gaslit.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 18:59

I would see about getting your name off the tenancy. If you are expected to keep paying then his family need to tell him to leave. I wonder if womens aid or shelter could advise you on this?
Please contact the housing department to tell them you need to leave your home due to abuse and see if this bumps you up a band.
I think it would be a good idea to contact Shelter for advice anyway.
You can do this! Get to your parents then start ringing around to see what can be done.

RichPetunia · 14/04/2024 19:04

The situation sounds awful. I'd be tempted to send your daughter to your mum's for a few days and during that time you get rid of your husband - under the patio perhaps? That way, she's not around for any more arguments. Also - as someone else said - let her know none of this is her fault.
You and your daughter deserve to be happy. Having a peaceful and harmonious home with only you and her would be a really good start.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 14/04/2024 19:07

OP I’m a step parent myself & I can assure you that while it drives me batshit cleaning his kids melted chocolate off my sofa (and I say mine because I solely paid for it) and picking mud out of the rugs (financed by only me), chewing gum off cushions & walls (again they’re my own expense) there are two things I would never do. That is namely, discuss the children in front of the children; and tell them that communal furniture is off limits to them. If it’s bothered him this much, 100% it needed to be a discussion between you privately where boundaries are agreed & enforced moving forward. What he said about you & your daughter - especially in front of her, is disgusting and unforgivable. Both of you deserve better, please don’t forgive this.

Original poster
MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 19:08

NotDavidTennant · 14/04/2024 18:50

How long is left on the tenancy?

It's now gone into a rolling month to month tenancy after 12 months of being here. We been here nearly 4 years now.

OP posts:
HebburnPokemon · 14/04/2024 19:08

Woah, sounds an extreme reaction from him. Is there a backstory here? Presumably he wasn’t like this before you married him, what happened?

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 14/04/2024 19:09

You are doing the right thing. Both you and your daughter deserve better than him.

In regard to your home, as it is in your name - he has to leave. Yes his family might not like it but tough shit. But the best part is if they give you notice to leave (which they probably will do), you will go up your councils list as you will be unintentionally homeless.

Do NOT leave your home, and when they serve notice on you do NOT leave before seeking advice from your council - they will probably advise you to not leave on the date of the notice and instead 'force' your landlord to take you to court. This isnt scary and nothing bad will happen to you - but your council will then have an obligation to house you.

Good luck