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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

324 replies

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 15:50

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 14/04/2024 20:44

It's not normal.

Zanatdy · 14/04/2024 20:48

Put your daughter first. I ended a relationship with my ex due to his treatment of my son (his step son). He was the same age. Trust me it affects them for years, damage limitation and put her first. What a horrible man

Original poster
MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 20:50

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/04/2024 20:44

Are your parents nearby? Will she be able to stay at the same school if you move in with them? I'd get out and stop the tenancy agreement as soon as possible - it's good that it's now month to month.

Yes my parents are nearby and so is her school.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/04/2024 20:52

This is both financial mental and controlling abuse. Please get rid if not for yourself but for your Daughter.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/04/2024 20:54

Also if you do stay with him one day your daughter will look back even if it's in 20 years and she will ask 'Why did you stay with him.

bonzaitree · 14/04/2024 20:55

Could you speak to your parents tomorrow about what’s been going on and ask to stay with them? You could be out of there within 24 hours.

Charlingspont · 14/04/2024 20:55

He's awful. Give a month's notice on the tenancy and move to your parents house.

GingerPirate · 14/04/2024 20:55

Oh, of course.
He isn't her "real" Dad.
As in other thread, maybe he ought to be
C - bombed.
But seriously, get out with and for your daughter.

Zanatdy · 14/04/2024 20:55

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 20:37

It is abusive isn't it? Reacting like that? Being shouty all the time?

I'm bloody questioning myself as to whether this isn't normal as he always tells me I'm a soft as@se! Sad

Of course it’s abusive and it’s cruel to your daughter to hear this. He is gas lighting you saying you’d never meet someone else because of a daughter who drops crumbs?! Imagine how she feels. Get rid

Tbry24 · 14/04/2024 20:56

Go to your parents you and your daughter will be safe there. You will count as priority for housing as your ex is abusive and it’s not safe for you to go back. Women’s aid can probably also help better than I can.

Gettingonmygoat · 14/04/2024 20:56

You are a good Mum and you know the right thing to do. Moving to your parents will not stress your DD during her GCSE YEARS, staying with a man that doesn't like her will do her a lot of harm. Give your written notice on the tenancy tomorrow, tell the fuckwit to leave, if he doesn't go call the Police, then you need to start packing and moving into your parents. Good luck and enjoy the peace in your new life Flowers

Nicole1111 · 14/04/2024 21:00

This is what abuse looks like in day to day life. I have no doubt your partner is abusive. Unfortunately the research says that when young people are exposed to abuse they struggle more academically and with their mental health, and will learn to be quiet, compliant and hyper vigilant to avoid the abuser’s wrath. In the longer term they are more likely to be in relationships as adults where they abused. You need to show your daughter that his behaviour isn’t ok and teach her what advocating for yourself looks like. If you’re on a rolling contract I would definitely support you taking half the finances and moving out asap. Your parents can then tell the council you can’t stay and you can claim housing. Ideally you’d leave while he was out and take all your stuff. If you can’t, take a trusted male with you to collect asap. You should also google your county and domestic abuse charity for local face to face support.

Changing our lives! Hand hold please?
Tbry24 · 14/04/2024 21:00

MrsCChris · 14/04/2024 20:37

It is abusive isn't it? Reacting like that? Being shouty all the time?

I'm bloody questioning myself as to whether this isn't normal as he always tells me I'm a soft as@se! Sad

Yes your husband is an abuser. It’s just he’s also controlling and gaslighting you so you don’t have access to money, friends and will tell you it’s you. It’s also why you are anxious as the anxiety is your body telling you there’s something wrong.

I have crippling anxiety linked to historic domestic abuse and PTSD. The sooner you get away the better and your body can learn to calm down and not be anxious, hope you are both safe at your parents house now.

DrJoanAllenby · 14/04/2024 21:01

Please leave him so that you and your daughter can be free of this grotty little man.

You have an air of defeat about you already. Tolerate his crap die much longer and he'll have completely worn you down.

StarDolphins · 14/04/2024 21:01

Rather than sticking up for her, the very best thing you can do for her is leave. He won’t change.

My ex was the same about crumbs, ketchup, toys, whatever. It will wear you down.

Your DD deserves so much more & so do you. He can’t cope with life & why should you both suffer.

zazazoop · 14/04/2024 21:01

He thinks he's above her and is going to massively damage her self esteem. Intervene and leave him, that's not acceptable behaviour.

Dibbydoos · 14/04/2024 21:03

Pls call the council, tell them you're in an abusive relationship, it's taken its tole on your mental health but you have now been made homeless because you stood up for yourself.

You may get access to emergency housing.

In the meantime, I'd ask him to leave. If that fails get his relatives to tell him to leave. If that failsyo for your and your DDs sake go to your mums.

Tbry24 · 14/04/2024 21:05

Nicole1111 · 14/04/2024 21:00

This is what abuse looks like in day to day life. I have no doubt your partner is abusive. Unfortunately the research says that when young people are exposed to abuse they struggle more academically and with their mental health, and will learn to be quiet, compliant and hyper vigilant to avoid the abuser’s wrath. In the longer term they are more likely to be in relationships as adults where they abused. You need to show your daughter that his behaviour isn’t ok and teach her what advocating for yourself looks like. If you’re on a rolling contract I would definitely support you taking half the finances and moving out asap. Your parents can then tell the council you can’t stay and you can claim housing. Ideally you’d leave while he was out and take all your stuff. If you can’t, take a trusted male with you to collect asap. You should also google your county and domestic abuse charity for local face to face support.

Great chart thank you but sad for me to read. All of those things and more were my ex partner. The worst one being threatening to take my child away and I’d never see him again. It was over 25years ago for me but I read those sorts of lists and it was seconds ago 😰

And yes OP you will be experiencing some of those things too.

Nicole1111 · 14/04/2024 21:08

Tbry24 · 14/04/2024 21:05

Great chart thank you but sad for me to read. All of those things and more were my ex partner. The worst one being threatening to take my child away and I’d never see him again. It was over 25years ago for me but I read those sorts of lists and it was seconds ago 😰

And yes OP you will be experiencing some of those things too.

Show quote history

Sadly they’re all the same. Text book abusers with their text book tactics. Glad to hear you’re out of it now, even though the mark that domestic abuse leaves stays with people for such a long time. I hope you have peace and safety in your current life 💕

BirthdayRainbow · 14/04/2024 21:09

It will affect her studies in a positive way as she won't have to put up with a shithead for a step dad.

TitaniasAss · 14/04/2024 21:09

Leave. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Hye000 · 14/04/2024 21:09

Just came to say… Proud of you OP!! Your daughter will have her first lesson in knowing how she deserves to be treated & what to do if she isn’t being treated right 💪🏽 good riddance! ♥️♥️♥️

AngryBookworm · 14/04/2024 21:11

I'm so sorry you and your daughter have had to put up with this. Ending it will be stressful but better in the long run for you both - especially as your daughter can stay in school. Living with a parent who's on a short fuse, emotionally abusive and regards children as having less of a right to household spaces would be much more of a drain than navigating this change with the parent who loves her and provides emotional security. Wishing you both all the best of luck.

Calliopespa · 14/04/2024 21:12

WarningOfGails · 14/04/2024 15:59

Your thread title shows you know what you are going to do, well done for standing up for you both and changing your lives. The practical steps might be tricky initially but you can do it.

Yes well done OP. I think we all know you know the answer and are needing a handhold.

It will mean an awful lot to your DD both now and in years to come that her mum was courageous and decisive in shielding her from that treatment.

Take a handhold and a big 👏 bravo on the side.

Woahtherehoney · 14/04/2024 21:14

My DSS spilt blue bubblegum ice cream all over my light grey sofa yesterday - I didn’t lose my shit because it was an accident and it’s our family sofa - it’s meant to be used and well loved. I paid for it when we moved in from my own money but I don’t moan at DP and DSS for sitting on it or ‘making a mess’ because that is a very odd thing to do!

I’m so proud of you for leaving him OP - please follow through on this. It would have been bad enough if he’d said that and she was his daughter but it’s even worse (if possible) that she isn’t.