to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

This could be the way to go. I think people don’t really understand how difficult housing in London is for young people atm.

The friends who have had adult sons and families live with them were coincidentally teachers ( not sure if that made a difference). Very positive people and very self effacing. They were skilful at not creating drama and they coped well with sharing spaces.
They were family oriented people and really wanted house sharing to succeed.
Your son is lucky to have you OP. It sounds like you are a wonderful Mum.

If he's learned how to fertilise his girlfriend's eggs, I'm sure he knows how to cook one that came out of a friggin hen.

😅😅😅

Love it@BettyShagter Mumsnet at its best!

Agree with others. You sound like you may be a bit too forthcoming OP and may find you’re taken advantage of and find it impossible to get your life (and house) back.

Having a baby puts a lot of strain on relationships even when the new parents have their own home and are financially prepared, let alone living in someone else’s house and not having financial stability. They should be the ones thinking about how they can make it work and cause the least inconvenience to YOU as you are doing them a massive favour, not the other way around.

A 3 bed semi will likely not be able to afford much privacy unless it’s a big Victorian type one and you may underestimate how much a crying baby may disturb you in the night especially if you need to be up early and go to work. Once they’re in obviously it will be extremely difficult to ask them to leave as a parent and grandparent.

When your DIL returns to work they’ll have massive childcare costs so I don’t see how they’d be able in a better financial position a year down the line?

I’m afraid I’d tell them to go down the council route as they’re being evicted and see what comes up. As your DIL is pregnant, they should be a priority. Better to do it while she’s still in early to mid pregnancy rather than when the baby is born. It may well lead to affordable housing in the longer term and if they are placed somewhere terrible, you can revisit them moving in with you.

If they do move in with you, they should at least be contributing to bills even if you’re not charging rent.

I think you need house rules from day one, and you need to enforce these.

Also, remember heating, water bills, consumables (toilet rolls, cleaning stuff etc) etc will all go up. Also consider house insurance - maybe worth checking. Are you on any benefits. A- will these be affected with more people at home .

Honestly I think this is a bad idea. They should present as homeless and accept temporary accommodation. Short term pain for long term gain.

You can help them out by storing their stuff if they end up in a B&B, which they may not. You could also help with meals and washing facilities if needed.

Once they are in the social housing system they can search neighbouring boroughs too.

Also have they considered shared ownership properties? We have quite a few new build 2/3 beds on the market where we are (just outside the M25 popular with London commuters). Around £120-£250k for a 30-60% share plus rent of course. Have they searched for any schemes nearby or a bit outside London? When baby is older they can increase % of ownership. One of them may have to get a local job as it will be a nightmare for both to have a long commute with a baby but needs must In this current property market.

how much are you willing to have your own life disrupted op? That’s the real question. You then need to make your own house rules based on that. A baby will take over everything.

Quire honestly i wouldn’t do it. They shouldn’t be having a baby if they can’t afford to house one.

I think I can help here. We have a 3 month old baby currently living a few doors up from my in-laws with my family living 2 hours away. My MIL has been great and I have a really good relationship with her. Heres what she did well:

• always recognised me as the Mum and never tried to compete with my role
• so supportive and encouraging, always telling me I’m doing a great job and that I’m a good Mum.
• encourages me never to doubt my instincts and tells me I’ll know my baby best and I’m the expert on my own baby and no one else is
• never critics my parenting choices and is aware that a lot of advice has changed since her day. She might make a gentle suggestion but if I say something like ‘oh I was told back to sleep at the hospital’ she will just immediately and pleasantly back down and say something like ‘oh wow, that’s so interesting how things change’
• She’s supported me practically by helping with chores, cooking etc. But she’s also held the baby lots too.
• She’s not perfect and will sometimes go to grab the baby when I just want a cuddle or I’ve just settled her but again if I/my partner just say to wait or explain we’ve just settled for example she generally gets it and leaves her be

I love what a close relationship we have with them and it has really worked really well, so despite the DIL/MIL assumptions it definitely can work out. We see them probably 5 days a week, so not quite living but still full on! I love her like a second Mum to me.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you, it definitely can with the right attitudes.

I’m afraid I’d tell them to go down the council route as they’re being evicted and see what comes up.

The problem is you can’t go on the housing list unless you’ve been resident in the same borough for five years. It’s common to live in different boroughs when you’re renting.

My son, his girlfriend and baby lived with us for a while. It was absolutely fine and we’re all still close 15 years later.

Kindly but assertively discuss house rules. Respect each others’ space. Speak up quickly about niggles. Accept that you will irritate each other. Remember your son is an adult now and don’t baby him.

@dirtyblond

This is different, because it wasn’t as long-term, but my parents-in-law came for 6 weeks after my baby was born.
They lived 3000 miles away.
And they were lovely. My MIL cooked & looked after the baby & gave me a chance to catch up.
My FIL puttered around the house & fixed things.
We played cards & chatted and they never made me feel crowded or uncomfortable.
My husband was in the Navy and was gone.
I always felt as though they were in the background, even though they were front and center. I’ve no idea how they managed that.
They’re both gone now and I honestly miss them more than I do my ex-husband.
My advice would be just to be there. You’ve already massively stepped up.
Maybe cook a meal, buy a treat - it’s the little things the kids will thank you for.
I hope they thank you for the shelter.
There’s a crown waiting for you in Heaven for that.

I think you sound lovely. My bil and his gf lived with my in laws for a year.all worked well.they are lucky .how many people being evicted can say the same

I wish my mum was as self-aware as you. The fact that you’re so cautious about being overbearing and are going away when baby comes means you probably won’t be.

You all need to be comfortable enough to openly discuss boundaries.

It’s a huge kindness to let them stay for free. They should contribute something - you say you have no money. That would help prevent resentment on your part, and add incentive for them to not get too comfortable.

Are we suddenly back in the 1950s????

🙄🙄🙄🙄

This! I lived with my mil for 4 months (not pregnant) and ended up moving out because it was too much.

Just respect boundaries.

I would say you need to create two separate sitting rooms so you don't have to be together all the time.

Agree with this. I was shocked by the use of responsible!

I’ve done this - my DS, DiL and baby stayed with us for 9 months while their house was being renovated. It was fine and I missed them when they moved out! We did go on a lot of holidays that year to give them space.

I've read the full thread and I think you've had some great tips - especially from @LightDrizzle - and some dire warnings. Please remember that while these situations can go horribly wrong they can also go really well as long as everyone is respectful and cam communicate (and listen) calmly and with empathy.

My additional tips would be:

• you've said you don't want to charge rent but please do charge an amount that will cover the increase in bills. Sit down and work this out rather than guessing (especially as you say you have no money and this could be long term) and be cleat with them from the start that this amount may need to change if the bills go up more than you thought.

^be clear what your expectations are not just in terms of housework but also in terms of spending time together. People are different- some people would resent always having 2 extra adults in their lounge every evening, some people would resent sitting alone in the lounge watching TV while son and DIL sat in their bedroom watching the same TV show. Think about how their presence in communal rooms may impact on your current down-time. Do you like to sit and read in the lounge or watch certain TV shows? Do you like to cook for fun and spend hours in the kitchen? Do you have friends round regularly? Just have these discussions with them upfront.

• I would ask them to give you a financial plan for the next 12 months. I'm not suggesting you should micromanage what they spend (please don't) but at the moment their finances sound very vague, especially given that there is likely to be a significant cut in your DIL's income and then massively increased costs in terms of childcare. I think you all need to be on the same page about how long this might last (even if realisitically that might be years) and there needs to be some sort of agreement about what their commitment to saving will be. Different people have different ideas about luxuries vs essentials and if you aren't on the same page then watching them have three takeaways a week, regular nights out, weekends away or expensive hobbies while you subsidise their living could be really grating and a source of arguments. For other people that would be fine. Have those discussions now before they actually move in. Getting them to write an actual financial plan should also make clear to them as well as you what the likelihood if of them being with you long-term. You say you are OK with this but if they aren't recognising this as being likely they may not really be thinking about how they would be happy to live on a long term basis. Again it's better to discuss this now than to have tension two years down the line because they had agreed to arrangements they could live with for a year but not longer term.

^ please please please don't go away when the baby is born unless this is for your own benefit. It's a sweet thing to offer but the reality is that you are part of the household - they need to adapt to having a baby in the household they actually live in,. Adapting once, then adapting again when you come home is just likely to be doubly difficult.

• Do you have a partner? It sounds as if you don't but it would be worth talking to them about what happens if you do find a partner (if you don't have one).

*Think now about what you would do if the plan changes and they decide to apply for council accommodation. To do this you may well have throw them out. Would you be prepared to do this? I know you may say this isn't an option they would go fir but all it would take is one of them losing their job or them splitting up and this could become a very real option.

I have quite a feisty DiL. The best thing is to give them as much space as possible. Which you are doing. I never used to cook for my two either or do laundry. It's best to not do what you find too much right from the beginning because it will cause problems and you will resent them if you do.

Most people don't live in houses where this would be possible!

OP seems like you're already quite an understanding and generous person! I don't see you clashing much as long as you kindly set boundaries with them before they move in and make them aware of general housekeeping because its your house and your rules at the end of the day. Hopefully it works and if it doesn't I'm sure they'll have the sense to move out.
Some days might be difficult just like with all families but on the plus side you get to spend time with an adorable baby also :)

Also some of these comments are baffling to me. As a mother I'd do anything to help out my child, specially if they were expecting a baby. I find it super weird that people are comparing your children and say its not fair on others. I know that if that was my brother and his partner not only would I not be surprised if my mum didn't offer like you have but I'd probably offer myself. Yes there are so many risks and everyone's warnings are valid but don't let that affect the fact you're doing something positive and unless they're horrible and ungrateful human beings (which I doubt) they'll really appreciate it and you could build a bond with his gf!!!
In terms of tips I highly agree with what someone else said about having conversations that don't show interest in baby only. She will appreciate you trying to build a relationship that includes HER and not just your grandchild :) me and my mil found a common love of cooking and we do that together sometimes and it's great.

Do they have a lot of debt, is that why they cannot get a mortgage?

I would be ideal if they had there own space to sit in at night do you have 2 rooms downstairs?
it can be a bit intense all being together at night

they cook for themselves and do there own washing