to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

So they’re going to live with you for a year, until the baby is born and is five months old. By then they will have paid off their debt (other big expense). So for them to move out in a year they will need to put an offer on a house and get a mortgage at least by the time the baby is born. Are they aware having a dependent means they will be offered a much smaller mortgage? What is their plan for paying childcare along with a mortgage? This has ‘big mistake’ written all over it!

Sorry OP but you need to plan for this to be years. If all they could previously afford is a bedsit and now they’re introducing a baby into the mix, they won’t be leaving the comfort of your home any time soon.

What do you mean? Why would the women be responsible for the man ?

OP you sound lovely. Of course it can go wrong but it can also go right (Mumsnet doesn't seem to like people doing things for their adult DC, especially for free!). If they are considering you as much as you are considering them you have a better chance than some. It's a wonderful thing you are trying to do for them and I hope they appreciate you.

I think you do need to be prepared for this to be a long term thing. I know you don't want to charge them rent (presumably to help them save up!) but you probably should be getting them to cover the increases in bills at least. Think about whether you will have space to get away from each other (a 3-bed semi cancelled be tiny or huge), if they are there when the baby is older will they get the third bedroom? Or is their bedroom big enough for all 3 of them including a toddler/preschooler? Honestly I would assume they will end up taking over the living room when baby arrives, are you going to be ok with that? One shelf in the fridge may not be enough long term, would there be room for that to expand (or maybe they can cook for you!)? Will you get frustrated when their parenting choices are different from yours?

There will be a lot of needing to work things out as you go along, the situation is going to keep evolving. It needs both sides to make an effort to consider each other.

This.

We moved in with my mum for my third trimester when our house was sold. I was 34 weeks when I moved out. It was hell and put a strain on both the relationship with my mum and my marriage. DH and I had our own routines but we were also trying to establish ourselves as FT parents (DS obviously not born at that point), neither of us had lived with parents for about 10 years. I would strongly advise against.

Definitely do charge rent. They will become accustomed to not having to cover their costs and may find it difficult to rein their spending back in in order to leave.

they say they will put what they would be spending on rent into savings but it’s possible they may not put the full amount each month into savings.

it’s far too easy for them if they are being charged nothing so they may never move out!

id personally charge rent and be wanting them to contribute to bills etc.

If you really feel you must support them financially, how about charging them rent and secretly putting it in savings? Then when they come to move out you can return a percentage to them. But personally I think as adults they need to cover full costs. As I’ve said, it’s too easy to slip into a new lifestyle with others paying their way. We’ve seen this multiple times on MN.

I do also think that if they do get very comfortable it will be very difficult to ask them to move out. If you do decide to have them move in, Maybe begin with a hard deadline of when the arrangement will end so that everyone is on the same page.

They are in a bad situation financially an having a baby. And he is your so n. I can’t believe people here are saying not to help them. The last thing you need with a newborn is money problems too.

id have this conversation with them- say people can end up falling out and I want to avoid it . Set ground rules like how the food will be sorted and maybe u could both pay for a cleaner so you avoid issue with that. Then for parenting make sure you give them space to find out who they are as parents, ask what they need and do that. And if she is establishing breast feeding don’t talk about her supply or trying to ‘train the baby ‘ to eat on a schedule. It’s all outdated advice and is really mentally damaging if someone is struggling. Give them some Tim in communal areas when you aren’t there so they don’t have to hide in bedroom all the time.

There is a lot of negativity about this set up but it could work out well for all of you! I get the vibe that you want them to stay with you and not just because they need to.

It is very difficult to find accommodation now even when you have two incomes and the stress of uncertainty when renting can really take a toll when you add a baby into the mix. By providing somewhere secure to live and the breathing space to save some money will help them a great deal. Good luck

I'd charge rent and put that in a separate account towards their future flat deposit. My cousin had a similar arrangement with her son but didn't charge rent. Big mistake as the son & dil blew their money on a luxury lifestyle instead. Charging £500 or so a month rent will ensure they have a few grand saved by April 2025.

Why move out? It’s your house and if they want the space then they’ll have to find it themselves. I understand that it may make them feel better but, from experience, it’s not needed.

You need to set out boundaries early on regarding noise etc. Your bills are going to go up, can you cover them,? If not you need to work out what they are now and get them to pay the difference. They have been in a bedsit so presumably they have been able to save? Why don't they apply for social housing? It might be a better answer for them in the long term.

What do your other DC think that you are subsidising them for at least a year maybe much longer? How will you cover extra bills? Baby will require a lot more washing plus 2 more adults.

It’s very kind of you to offer to them to give them a chance. If there was any other way I’d say avoid it! I’m currently in this situation after a house sale so living with parents until we have a new house (should be no more than 4/5 months total) and it’s living hell! They fuss over everything, they have their routine which is difficult as we have to work around it, constantly having to make small talk is exhausting, after work when you just want to go home and relax but there is someone there, feeling like you have to let them know where your going in your spare time. It’s draining, stressful and I would not recommend. First few weeks was fine like a holiday but that was short lived. I can feel resent from one parent growing cos they can’t have their usual house guests like they normally would to stay

Why not? You need to set the standards before and also if you want the move just temporary tell them. It will be good for them now they are having a baby. They can save money now and not expend in rent once she is on maternity leave. That is a very nice favour.
Let's say you tell them 2 years. It may be hard at the beginning but can work and will allow them to save.

OP DH and I moved in with my in laws (his parents) a few years ago to save money for a house deposit and it worked out great, it was a very positive experience.

I can’t see if you have mentioned this, but what is your current relationship like with your son and DIL now? I always got on great with my in laws and DH is very close to them so I wasn’t concerned when we moved in.

I very much respected and appreciated the favour they were doing us so I made sure to pull my weight with cleaning and cooking etc… It helped that DHs parents both worked out of the house as did we so we weren’t in each others faces all the time. They were very laidback and easy going which was great. They didn’t expect us back for dinner or anything like that and it also helped that we had similar interests so we’d happily watch the same tv programmes or chat about music/history whatever.

I agree about having set boundaries re housework, cooking, food shopping, keeping quiet at certain hours and so on. But I think if you are already in a good place with them and they are respectful and appreciative and don’t take the piss, it can work out fine. We stayed for 18 months and then bought a house 5 minutes walk away lol.

We lived with my mum and dad while the house was being done. About 3 months. My mum is lovely and loves having us around. We were grateful but so relieved to move out. As it felt like we were kids. The reasons are so entitled but they felt real! We really didn’t want to see them once we moved out as needed space

• My mum cooked for us every day (lovely) but what that meant was while we were working and communiting, kids clubs etc we were often - ‘late for dinner’ and sort of got told off… We didn’t necessarily want dinner but as we were staying there that was the thought. We tried to say we’ll just grab something but that never landed.
• My husband found the lack of personal communal space difficult
• My mum also wanted to know where we were, so there was also a need to go round and tell everyone where he was going/ when coming back - he found that quite claustrophobic
• we felt judged on parenting by them saying what they did
• it wasn’t clear what we were paying for eg food/electric etc. my mum (lovely) kept getting these big shops in and then didn’t let us pay, the shops had quite heavy traditional food in , but there was so much food in the house we had to eat it - so we weren’t in control of what we ate. Again really kind but we had no freedom to choose what we ate.
• the washing machine was always full. My husband is so bad a leaving washing in the machine I felt guilty for my mum and dad
• standards of tidiness. Our kids were young and messy so I felt guilty about everything even stuff I’d tolerate at home. So I spent time following them around tidying - whereas at home it would be once a day etc

Offs give me strength.

I think the plan sounds highly optimistic, I'm sorry.

If they are having to scrape together enough for a minimum mortgage and don't currently have great salaries, they are highly unlikely to get one whilst she is on maternity leave. I would predict now that the minimum they will be living with you is realistically 2 years, as mortgage companies will usually want her to be back in work for 3 paychecks (I know this, as I changed jobs whilst waiting for a house move which took forever; despite it being a very significant payrise, it caused a major headache and only one bank/building society waived it). She may also decide not go back full-time straightaway, which would reduce their income taken into consideration for the mortgage.

Also, why would they have to give up their jobs to live outside of London? You can move to within an easy commuting distance and cut your living expenses in half. You can by a 3-bed house with a garden for the price of a 1-bed flat without a balcony in the city if you are prepared to sit on a train for a little longer. If they - and particularly your son as his partner will be on mat leave - are able to WFH for part of the week, renting or attempting to buy a bit further out is really worth considering.

One thing to consider, after the baby is born, they could have a lot of visitors. You've not mentioned your daughter in law's family. Do you get on well with them? They could be around at your house quite a bit, and you might feel you have to be the host when this happens. You might enjoy it, but it could be quite a lot to do! Maybe plan a way for those situations, so everyone is happy and knows where they stand.

OP you are doing a great thing in being there for them when they need help.

We have had DS and girlfriend back with us after about 8 years of their living independently; it has been 6 months so far and going well. Although no complication of a baby.

We have a larger house than you so we all have quite a bit of space, so I’m not sure how that side will work for you.

Some things that may or may not be helpful, musings really:-

1. I definitely wouldn’t move out when they have the baby - this is primarily your home and you shouldn’t be inconvenienced by the sutuation.
2. Even they they not paying rent they need to cover their costs and not leave you out of pocket - our electricity cost has shot up for example
3. They need to be clean and tidy in communal areas but their bedroom is their own space to use how they want
4. The main one really - establish rules and expectations from the outset, think of everything you possibly can - once they’ve moved in addressing this afterwards feels like nagging and criticism

Good luck OP, I am really pleased to be able to help DS out and it sounds like you are too.

I can promise you when my ds gf stayed over they cooked together and I had nothing to do with it. This is 2024 not 1924.

😆

I think it’s a bad idea, however well you get along. They should look for somewhere else to rent. Where is all their stuff and baby stuff going to go? Why can’t they rent somewhere on two fulltime wages? I always think it’s a hugely backward step for adults to move back home, and even more so when they come with a partner and baby.

They should look for a new rental and if that means moving further out or moving to the Kent border or whatever, they should do that. They’ll struggle to stay in London anyway with a young child.

Let them move in with you during pregnancy to save if they both work full time in 6/7 months they'd have plenty together for bond / first months rent and beyond

No most men don’t. Honestly, what planet are you on?