Page 3 | to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

dirtyblond · 2024-04-13T23:07:06+00:00

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:06

LightDrizzle · 14/04/2024 00:52

I think it’s a huge, huge challenge.

It is very kind of you to offer and I’d do the same in the same circumstances but I think it can easily ruin a good relationship but of course it’s not inevitable.

Is your house large? What kind of accommodation will they have? Will they have their own bathroom? I assume there is only one kitchen.

For it to work I think you need to agree ground rules from day -28

Things to consider include:

financial contribution
how shared space is to be shared: especially the kitchen.
responsibility for cleaning and maintaining shared areas
division of housework
inviting friends and family over, particularly after the birth
privacy
duration of their stay

It is your house so your standards of cleanliness in communal areas have to be respected so if you never leave dirty dishes overnight then they need to respect that and do as you do. On the other hand I think you have to give them total control over spaces that are temporarily entirely theirs: so no inspecting and criticising “their” bedroom or bathroom if they have one. Once the baby comes, don’t invite people round to meet the baby without asking them if they are happy with it. You can invite people as your guests to your own house to see you but not to meet the baby. If you have friends or wider family round and your son doesn’t make an appearance with the baby then don’t be cross about it.

Are you happy for them to invite their friends and her family over? Is there space for that? What ground rules around it would you want? It’s unlikely you are going to want to be picking your way around 5 young adults and as many Domino’s boxes in your sitting room at 6 pm on a Sunday.

Start as you mean to go on as getting tougher causes resentment. Don’t fall into the trap of “Well I might as well put some of their washing on to make a full load” and letting it creep and then becoming resentful at everything you are doing. Your DIL will understandably drop off a cliff for a good while in terms of her contribution to housework after delivery so your son will have to pick up her part as well as his as he (hopefully) would were they in their own home together. However as he is your son and grew up with you and his dad looking after him, he may fall back into that role. Only let him if picking up after other people brings you joy and if you can be sure you won’t resent him or your DIL. Personally I’d resist any temptation to “rescue” him as it will be good practise for him and it really isn’t your job. For the first couple of weeks however I personally would happily cook all dinners while they find their feet as that’s something I’d happily do if they weren’t living with me and they’ll both be knackered.

I mean obviously you don’t have to be quite as rigid as I’m suggesting but what normally happens is that things are very unstructured, - because family, and then imbalance arises and resentment creeps in.

As long as shared areas are kept tidy and they look after their end of jobs, you both need to bite your tongues if they do things differently to how you would or did: so if DIL wanders into the kitchen at 3.00pm for her 8th cup of tea still in her dressing-gown and you were always showered and dressed straight after the first feed of the day; remind yourself that it’s not hurting you or the baby and you would be blissfully unaware if she wasn’t living under the same roof.

You and your husband and your son and his partner all need your privacy. So no knocking on bedroom or study doors to find out what anyone is up to or what they’ve been doing in there all that time. Sharing a roof doesn’t mean you have to be available to each other all day.

Are they being evicted for non-payment of rent or just because the landlord wants the property back for selling of another use? If the former I’d be concerned about their ability to save and successfully fledge in a year. I mean I’d still put them up in their situation but with some trepidation.

I wish you luck. I don’t envy you.

Thank you for all these points

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:08

Hairyfairy01 · 14/04/2024 00:52

How can they both be working full time, yet not be able to afford to rent nor claim UC? What would they do if you weren't around OP?

I dont think it is unusual, lots of working people can't afford rent in London. If I wasn't here, they would have to go into BandB for homeless people, or else resign from their jobs and leave the area, I guess

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AutumnCrow · 14/04/2024 01:10

DNLove · 14/04/2024 01:00

In an ideal world this wouldn't be the case but most men revert into "son" mode in their mothers home. Whether calling on Sunday afternoon or living full time. Son starts to cook food mammy steps in to takeover.

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You sound like you're writing an episode of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:10

MrsCrumPinnett · 14/04/2024 00:53

This, really. If they’ve only been able to afford a bed sit until now, under optimal earning conditions, how do they think they are going to afford maternity leave, paid childcare AND increased housing costs after the child is born? Sounds like they aren’t going to be in a position to be independent for another 5-6 years, until the child is at school.

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yes, I think we need to be prepared for it to be long term, which is all the more reason to get it right from the start.

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Ponderingwindow · 14/04/2024 01:11

Do you trust them to actually save aggressively? If there is any risk they won’t save at least the amount they were spending to house themselves before, then I would not consider the plan.

Needanewname42 · 14/04/2024 01:11

We were with the ILs for 6 mths between houses and our new house got delayed. Omg were we all stick of the sight of each other in the end.

We'd all managed to avoid petty arguments but there was definitely tension between us. I think we were all glad to see the back of each other

JamMakingWannaBe · 14/04/2024 01:12

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 00:50

I fail to see how they will be able to afford anything in a year when they can't afford it now while both working full-time.

You really need to think this through.

This.
How much can they really save if they are paying for their share of bills and utilities plus the baby expenses with a drop in wages due to ML then childcare?
What is their Plan B if/when you say "no"?

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:12

HoppingPavlova · 14/04/2024 00:58

I am not worried about noise or house being quiet - they are not particularly noisy

You do realise there will be a newborn who may be screaming at all hours? Your house may get very noisy. It might not stay ‘tidy’ either as baby stuff has a habit of spreading out everywhere.

Edited

haha! no I am not expecting the baby to stay quiet!

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AutumnCrow · 14/04/2024 01:13

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:08

I dont think it is unusual, lots of working people can't afford rent in London. If I wasn't here, they would have to go into BandB for homeless people, or else resign from their jobs and leave the area, I guess

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They're saving for a deposit to buy in London? Could take a while. Steel yourself.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:13

maddening · 14/04/2024 00:47

Chat to her about other interests other than just the baby - feeling that your only interest in her is the baby can feel unpleasant and getting to know each other as equals will make a better foundation for ongoing relationship.

very good point, thank you

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Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:15

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 01:03

*I guess because right now they don't need them?

They're all adults, the OP isn't dishing out sweeties fairly to children 🙄*

The OP is giving cash to this son in terms of FREE accommodation for a year- if not significantly more! Just because her other children have a house, doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated the same or the others don't need extra money!!!

I have no money!

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Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:18

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 01:04

How is that going to happen in a year? How did they not have substantial savings when only paying rent for a bedsit? I'm thinking there may be some serious issues you know nothing about.

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There is more going on that I have written here, yes, but that is for the sake of remaining anonymous - they have had other big expenses, which will end in another 6 months or so

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Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:19

Ponderingwindow · 14/04/2024 01:11

Do you trust them to actually save aggressively? If there is any risk they won’t save at least the amount they were spending to house themselves before, then I would not consider the plan.

yes, they do, and have saved well, but as yet do not really have enough

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Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:20

Needanewname42 · 14/04/2024 01:11

We were with the ILs for 6 mths between houses and our new house got delayed. Omg were we all stick of the sight of each other in the end.

We'd all managed to avoid petty arguments but there was definitely tension between us. I think we were all glad to see the back of each other

This is what I am trying to avoid

OP posts:

Testina · 14/04/2024 01:21

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:10

yes, I think we need to be prepared for it to be long term, which is all the more reason to get it right from the start.

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Do you want it to be long term?

They’re about to go into the most expensive period of most couple’s lives - childcare fees or one non-earning parent, young so not at high end of career path… if they want to buy, will they both need to be back at work for the salary multiple? If so, do you know what the cost of childcare is in your area? Do you really think their plan is realistic? Do they even have a proper plan?

If the alternative is a hostel, have you considered that they might actually be better off taking that long route to eventual social housing support long before they have a child that needs a school place and preferably their own room?

MumChp · 14/04/2024 01:22

I would go very careful and limit the time they could stay before having their own home.

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 01:23

I have no money!
Then how can you afford to provide free rent/board for a year, if not more?

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:27

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 01:23

I have no money!
Then how can you afford to provide free rent/board for a year, if not more?

because I have space

OP posts:

CulturalNomad · 14/04/2024 01:27

You are already worried about being perceived as overbearing or interfering...in your own home. And I'm afraid that no matter how hard you try, your DIL will be on MN in a year or so complaining bitterly about her toxic, narcissistic MIL.

I'd avoid this arrangement if at all possible. No good deed goes unpunished, etc.

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 01:30

because I have space
You said you live in a 3 bed semi!

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:31

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 01:30

because I have space
You said you live in a 3 bed semi!

exactly!

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MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 01:32

Sorry op, i know you say they have other big expenses that will end in 6 months, but i would be bloody amazed if they managed to save for a deposit to buy a property in london in a year when you say they can’t even afford to rent now. The maths doesn’t add up.

I think the issue here is that they’ll likely want/need to stay more than a year.

Hairyfairy01 · 14/04/2024 01:34

How long is her maternity leave for? It might be 9 months or even 1 year? Do you want her in your house full time for this prolonged time? Sounds like a disaster to me and I'm still not sure why they can't claim help towards their rent? It's not ideal obviously. But if you weren't around what would they do?

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:35

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 01:32

Sorry op, i know you say they have other big expenses that will end in 6 months, but i would be bloody amazed if they managed to save for a deposit to buy a property in london in a year when you say they can’t even afford to rent now. The maths doesn’t add up.

I think the issue here is that they’ll likely want/need to stay more than a year.

realistically, you are likely to be right - they are planning on a year, but if things go well between us all, then I would hope they would feel comfortable to stay longer. I think staying longer now might put them on a better financial footing for decades to come, bigger deposit, smaller mortgage, etc.

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MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 01:38

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:35

realistically, you are likely to be right - they are planning on a year, but if things go well between us all, then I would hope they would feel comfortable to stay longer. I think staying longer now might put them on a better financial footing for decades to come, bigger deposit, smaller mortgage, etc.

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Well as long as you will be ok with it being multiple years. I bought a house outside of london 5 years ago before prices rocketed and still needed a 40k deposit plus fees/furniture etc.