I think it’s a huge, huge challenge.
It is very kind of you to offer and I’d do the same in the same circumstances but I think it can easily ruin a good relationship but of course it’s not inevitable.
Is your house large? What kind of accommodation will they have? Will they have their own bathroom? I assume there is only one kitchen.
For it to work I think you need to agree ground rules from day -28
Things to consider include:
- financial contribution
- how shared space is to be shared: especially the kitchen.
- responsibility for cleaning and maintaining shared areas
- division of housework
- inviting friends and family over, particularly after the birth
- privacy
- duration of their stay
It is your house so your standards of cleanliness in communal areas have to be respected so if you never leave dirty dishes overnight then they need to respect that and do as you do. On the other hand I think you have to give them total control over spaces that are temporarily entirely theirs: so no inspecting and criticising “their” bedroom or bathroom if they have one. Once the baby comes, don’t invite people round to meet the baby without asking them if they are happy with it. You can invite people as your guests to your own house to see you but not to meet the baby. If you have friends or wider family round and your son doesn’t make an appearance with the baby then don’t be cross about it.
Are you happy for them to invite their friends and her family over? Is there space for that? What ground rules around it would you want? It’s unlikely you are going to want to be picking your way around 5 young adults and as many Domino’s boxes in your sitting room at 6 pm on a Sunday.
Start as you mean to go on as getting tougher causes resentment. Don’t fall into the trap of “Well I might as well put some of their washing on to make a full load” and letting it creep and then becoming resentful at everything you are doing. Your DIL will understandably drop off a cliff for a good while in terms of her contribution to housework after delivery so your son will have to pick up her part as well as his as he (hopefully) would were they in their own home together. However as he is your son and grew up with you and his dad looking after him, he may fall back into that role. Only let him if picking up after other people brings you joy and if you can be sure you won’t resent him or your DIL. Personally I’d resist any temptation to “rescue” him as it will be good practise for him and it really isn’t your job. For the first couple of weeks however I personally would happily cook all dinners while they find their feet as that’s something I’d happily do if they weren’t living with me and they’ll both be knackered.
I mean obviously you don’t have to be quite as rigid as I’m suggesting but what normally happens is that things are very unstructured, - because family, and then imbalance arises and resentment creeps in.
As long as shared areas are kept tidy and they look after their end of jobs, you both need to bite your tongues if they do things differently to how you would or did: so if DIL wanders into the kitchen at 3.00pm for her 8th cup of tea still in her dressing-gown and you were always showered and dressed straight after the first feed of the day; remind yourself that it’s not hurting you or the baby and you would be blissfully unaware if she wasn’t living under the same roof.
You and your husband and your son and his partner all need your privacy. So no knocking on bedroom or study doors to find out what anyone is up to or what they’ve been doing in there all that time. Sharing a roof doesn’t mean you have to be available to each other all day.
Are they being evicted for non-payment of rent or just because the landlord wants the property back for selling of another use? If the former I’d be concerned about their ability to save and successfully fledge in a year. I mean I’d still put them up in their situation but with some trepidation.
I wish you luck. I don’t envy you.