to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

I have no siblings, so I might be way off mark here, but the way I have witnessed it with my MIL and friends, is that often parents seem to help the one who needs it most at the time. So we got to live rent free for a few months. Another time my BIL really needed his car fixing but had just been wiped out by a bathroom reno, so my FIL topped him up. We didn’t resent him being given cash and neither did he resent us having a place to stay for a bit .

They will never leave - why would they ? Your home becomes theirs once baby arrives and you will be the interloper. If they can afford rental now, they can do it again despite being evicted due to property being sold. Keep your independence and most importantly your home. What you save by not having them there you can contribute if needed towards their rental costs. Win on both sides. Don't be bullied.

Google calendar will work for sharing plans between you.

Think about how to maximise/make the best use of space - you might want a shed if you have a garden. If you have a loft it might be worth spending time/ money on making it a useable storage space if it isn't already. They may need to rent a storage container if they have furniture that doesn't fit in your house.

Think about the soundproofing between rooms - sex type noises / telly / music / being able to have a private conversation. There are expensive ways to improve sound proofing and cheaper ones and you can plan for ie. their bedroom not to be above the living room you use or similar.

Think about things you could do to your house to improve it for three/four people ie. can you fit an extra sink to the loo that doesn't have one / an extra loo somewhere? The longer the arrangement is likely to last the more important it is to make you all as comfortable as possible.

I've done this, you can get under each other's feet, it's a hard decision. I would do it to help my family out.

Yes I am listening

Have you offered this to your other children? Living rent free for minimum a year because let's be real here, cost of living is going up. If they are having a baby, they won't be saving much soon to move out in a hurry. You can say your other kids have a house now but was it offered to them when they were starting out or at least they were offered something financially equivalent?

You say you aren't in a position to offer childcare but you would definitely be caring for your grandchild if you live under one roof, at night if not during the day.

I'm saying this because it creates tension in the wider family if not all children are offered the same opportunity. It will become evident really fast to your other children who your favourite child is.

Seeing it in the family, often the responsible children gets overlooked just because they are responsible. They don't need your help because "they have a house already".

How your other kids and their partners will see it is you offering this son a financial leg up, plus supporting his family post partum and being much more accessible to babysit for them. You are posting here to do everything to make it work for them to stay.

After considering all this on what this will impact on your other children;

1. Set a specific time they need to move out. Else a year can be turned to several and before you know if they are expecting to inherit the place.
2. They need to pay at least token rent to cover utilities and common groceries.
3. If they aren't paying you market rent, have set chores/house projects they need to do for you in this time. This could be yard maintenance, painting etc. Effectively do things to help around the house to contribute in return for the financial help.
4. Your son needs to come up with a back up plan if it doesn't work out.
5. It's weird to be cooking separately all the time under the same house especially as a family. Set up a schedule for a few times a week being family dinner night and who's rostered for buying the groceries and cooking. I'm saying this because my SIL lives with my MIL and she takes my MIL's credit card to do groceries for family dinners when she is living effectively rent free in her home. It's poor form for an adult to be taking so much advantage of elderly parents and trust me the rest of the family is acutely aware.

On the side note, also be prepared that your other children and their kids will be visiting you less for holidays since your house no longer have the space. Your other grand children might also wonder why their granny don't provide the same support to them unless you make up a plan on how to share your time and resources fairly.

Are families really this jealous of each other?

My brother and SIL lived with mum and Dad for 3 years while they built their own house, I have no idea what rent or expenses they paid , not my business. Had I ever wanted to do the same I am confident I would have been similarly housed. But I was happily getting in with my own life.

My parents did loads of childcare for another sibling… and not for me. I didn’t live near by. Happy for all concerned.

And I am certain that when my sibling and IL lived with M&D no one was making written rotas and having different fridge shelves but just living together as a slightly extended family … and not taking the financial piss either.

OP, if you feel you can relax and welcome them then just do it. And be open to talking and listening about any issues that arise.

Not meaning to derail, but since I work in the industry your DIL does, I would not expect a second masters to be needed, nor for it to significantly enhance her earning potential, like chartership would or significant on-the-job experience.

The only people I know who tried this ended up having a huge falling out and they moved out again before the baby was even born, so I'd say be careful!

A few years ago we did similar with DS and now DDIL. No baby. A few months turned into almost a year because of property buying issues. I would say it worked well because we talked.

They had slots for washing, did own cleaning and we agreed nights for cooking so this was shared. They bought for their nights.

Issues to be aware of and talk about would be drying clothes in bad weather to avoid wet washing everywhere and enabling them to have some private space / sitting room.

That doesn't mean you have to operate from a bedsit but some compromises will be needed! Good luck xx

You seem to like the idea of them moving in and are strangely more concerned about how they will find it, rather than how it impacts you. Even talk of you staying upstairs and give them the sitting room hints of martyrdom. It's your house!

They chose to have a child when the timing was poor yet you seem to be the one giving up your home and privacy to accomodate them. You need to be careful that by hiding upstairs you don't give them the impression that it's now their house, not yours.

Another thought, OP. How will this affect your relationship with your other children and grandchildren? Are you prepared and able to go to visit them in their homes most of the time? It doesn't sound like your crowded home, which you seem set to basically hand over and find a little corner of for yourself, will lend itself to being an environment the other families will find easy to visit. Not just due to space but because granny's home isn't really granny's home, so there's less space for visitors.

That sounds amazing. What a lovely, wonderful person you are 😘 xx

You will all be ok, it will work out.

I can't see if you have said when they are moving in. If they haven't arrived yet could you do Airbnb with the spare bedroom until they do, even for just a couple of weeks? Small financial cushion and practice sharing/source of perspective ie 'DIL is useless at boiling eggs but at least she's not watching international rugby at 3am'

Joining a gym is a great idea. Can you also make best use of your 'outdoor living room' by getting a small summer house or something similar that would take a table and chairs.

Go away for the weekend to stay with family/ friends once a month. Suggest they do too.

I've shared with family when needs must. It's bound to be an effort some of the time but, for us, it's part of our family culture. Maybe it is for you too.

You support them and are proud of them for their good qualities. I'm sure they will be encouraged to be their best selves and you will all deal with the inevitable stresses of the situation with good will and good humour.

A half serious suggestion - have a shared film night once a week and watch something that makes you all laugh.

Have fun and good luck!

It works when the whole family are equally giving and generous with each other. E.g. everyone having each other's back. It doesn't work in the situation where I have seen, where it was clearly favouritism over one child and often the excuse is "oh they aren't as well off as the others". It is just a warning to the OP to reflect if this is the case. Don't offer one child something you can't offer the same/similar for all the others. But parents can be blinded and not willing to admit they have a favourite child.

OP, we had my DS and his GF living with us for a year rent-free whilst they saved the deposit to buy. A few things that impacted us. They didn't contribute to house work, they dumped their washing into our washing bin that I then done (yes, I'm a doormat). 2 occasions the GF started cooking a roast dinner she disappeared after half an hour leaving me to step in and finish it. I wouldn't mind. We don't generally eat roast dinners. Would commandeer the main lounge even though we gave them a lounge of their own, leaving me feel like a guest in my own home. The house atmosphere changed dramatically when they decided they weren't talking to each other. These are people in their mid 20s who have since separated. We didn't share bathrooms and had given them 3 bedrooms and a lounge to use and still found it difficult. The thing I struggled with the most was their lack of awareness of others, not helping with housework despite being asked.

That should say DSS and GF. One further note. The GFs addiction to tumble drying everything, using a heater to warm her feet rather than put socks on and 2 half hour showers per day increased our energy costs significantly. In the past 6 months we've seen a saving of 3k with food and energy costs.

Thanks for all your contributions. I really don't think it is normal for other children to be jealous, and I don't think mine will be, I would consider it to be their problem if they are really. Decades ago my adult brother lived with our parents for a while, no idea how long for, some years, no idea what the terms were, never asked, don't care, I have honestly never given it a second's thought until this thread. In fact it took a while for me to even remember that this had happened in our family - one out of four adult siblings taken back home for a few years. - non issue.

Maybe not jealous but children will notice ongoing inequality of treatment. I think they'd maybe feel less positive about things if the presence of your child, his wife and grandchild interfere with their relationship with you. Will they still find it easy to visit? If not, they may feel their children are missing out, especially when a shiny new grandchild is at the heart of it.

I'd never be jealous of any adult sibling of mine living with a parent though. Quite the opposite. I'd hate it. I like my independence.

Yes I agree. It's not jealousy as much as inequality of treatment. If OP provides equal opportunity to all her kids then this is non issue. E.g. other kids moved home before also or provided with some other kind of start up support etc.

It's not fair if the other kids figured their life out themselves i.e. maybe they delayed having kids until they were financially secure and have a house/ chosen careers that didn't require large debt. And they are not given help because "they are better off" and "got things figured out". They are punished for being responsible.

It would be for sure there is no space at grandmother's to stay over anymore for the other grandchildren for a long period of time. Other adult children will understand if it's a definite period of time but an indefinite period seems to suggest some kind of favoritism at play.

yes to inequality of treatment. If this continues for years and you might provide childcare and not charge rent, you potentially save them thousands and thousands. How is this fair towards your other DC? Will you adjust your will?

my friend’s sister has moved in with her family with their DM. Her bills have gone up by up to £1000 per month and she does all food shopping which comes out of her pension and savings. This has been going on for years, so how is this fair towards my friend? Her sister and sister’s DH have well paid jobs btw!

My DS and his partner and baby live with me. I'm single. I work FT. DS has never left home. We are all happy with the dynamics
My DD lived with me for 3 yrs with my 1st DGD, (now 15). I am very close to her, I think because we had so much close time together.
The hardest thing is not to interfere but I often offer help if baby is restless etc.
It's hard to get it right tbh but I had a chat with baby mum a short time ago and told her I try to help and try really hard not to interfere, but it's hard for me as instinct kicks in if baby cries etc. I have a good relationship with her anyway, and I feel an adult chat is sometimes what's needed at times when you feel there's some tension. I think I'm a pretty easy going person. Not a doormat but happy for everyone to do their own thing.
I hope they stay here forever. We live in the countryside and it's much better for a child to be brought up here than in some inner city flat, which would probably be the other option.

I moved in with my MIL when I was about to give birth to DS2, due to a change in financial circumstances. MIL also had a 3-bed semi with small garden. It ruined our previously excellent relationship, and took years to heal. She was retired and at home most of the time. Her main issue was that I was trying to do everything on my own and not asking her for help. She saw it as rejection and being pushed away when my intention was to have as little impact on her life as possible so that she wouldn't resent us being there. She ended up spending all day, every day, holed up in her bedroom, and telling her closest family and friends this was my doing. The lowest point was when I was trying to get DS1 out of nappies. She had different views on how it should be done and kept airing her grievances to me via the medium of talking loudly to DS1. We kept the house tidy, cleaned up after ourselves and always offered her some of our dinners (which she always refused). The situation was intolerable and we left as soon as we could afford to, and saw little of her for a while after. Our relationship took about 5 years to completely repair. The lesson learned from my experience was, make sure you let your feelings be known (in a gentle way!) if anything is bothering you - don't bottle it up and allow resentment to grow. Try to foster an atmosphere of openness so that you get the same back. If you want to help, make sure your son and DIL know that it's no trouble. (My MIL, strangely, always made it feel as though everything she did for us was a big deal, even though she really wanted to do it.) If you can get the communication right, ultimately they will be thankful to you for the help you gave them and look back with fondness at the time they spent living there.

Sit down before they move in & establish ground rules. Let them live their lives independent to you & DH, as if they're just house mates but make sure they know what you expect of them before they move in. Will you share the cooking of meals, have a cleaning rota etc. Let them know what you'll be happy with & what will upset you. as long as you're all in agreement it should work. Also let the GF look after your Son. It might be hard if you don't agree with how they live their lives but they're adults now so let her keep him in check. When the baby arrives try to respect them as parents & let them learn. Be there & support them if they ask you to but try not to take over. Good Luck

Id try to make a separate living space for them if you are able - like if you have two just now then one is there’s & one is yours, or could the third bedroom be there’s with a couch etc instead of a bed in it?

most people I know that have done this have found the main stress point being having no personal space & living on top of each other, but plenty have managed fine & it has definitely helped them in the long run.