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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

452 replies

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 00:07

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:38

Hairyfairy01 · 14/04/2024 01:34

How long is her maternity leave for? It might be 9 months or even 1 year? Do you want her in your house full time for this prolonged time? Sounds like a disaster to me and I'm still not sure why they can't claim help towards their rent? It's not ideal obviously. But if you weren't around what would they do?

If I wasn't here they would probably resign from their jobs and move to a different area. However, they both have excellent career prospects if they stay in the jobs they have - and that won't be easy to find again. They work in the city - it isn't highly paid to start with, but they are both doing very well, getting near perfect reviews, etc.

OP posts:
Itsallok · 14/04/2024 01:40

Oh good. Another young stupid couple having babies when they can't afford them and leaching off their parents. Instead of being accountable for their own lives. Can just see how this will play out in the next year or so. They had other expenses? leased car maybe, credit card bill? So let's have a baby! And then, let's have another baby!

Testina · 14/04/2024 01:43

The fact they’re planning on a year just sounds like they’re not actually planning at all. How much difference is saving for a year going to make? Unless she’s got a great maternity package, she won’t be saving for a year, baby is due in just over 7 months. And for 6 months of that they’ve got these “big expenses”. How much are they really going to save?

You said this earlier:

”They can't afford their own place right now, not without borrowing a lot.”

So they could get a place, but with a big mortgage? I’d encourage them to do that, whilst they’re both in full time employment. They can overpay their mortgage as they get further into it. What’s the point in saving for 6 months to have what? £9K? £12K? And in that time house prices have gone up too.

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 01:44

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:38

If I wasn't here they would probably resign from their jobs and move to a different area. However, they both have excellent career prospects if they stay in the jobs they have - and that won't be easy to find again. They work in the city - it isn't highly paid to start with, but they are both doing very well, getting near perfect reviews, etc.

Show quote history

This doesn’t mean much tbh op. I got amazing feedback at my last company and was well respected. It didn’t stop me from being made redundant.

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 01:45

Testina · 14/04/2024 01:43

The fact they’re planning on a year just sounds like they’re not actually planning at all. How much difference is saving for a year going to make? Unless she’s got a great maternity package, she won’t be saving for a year, baby is due in just over 7 months. And for 6 months of that they’ve got these “big expenses”. How much are they really going to save?

You said this earlier:

”They can't afford their own place right now, not without borrowing a lot.”

So they could get a place, but with a big mortgage? I’d encourage them to do that, whilst they’re both in full time employment. They can overpay their mortgage as they get further into it. What’s the point in saving for 6 months to have what? £9K? £12K? And in that time house prices have gone up too.

Yes this is a really good point actually. No one saves money on mat leave.

Testina · 14/04/2024 01:47

they both have excellent career prospects if they stay in the jobs they have

There you go then. Get the big mortgage now, knowing that it becomes more affordable as they progress. If they crunch the numbers, it might not even make sense to wait. Especially if they would be aiming for a 2 bed because of the baby - perfect for a lodger to really cope with the mortgage payments. Appreciate they may be aiming for a bedsit or 1 bed though, despite baby.

PeloMom · 14/04/2024 01:49

They should contribute financially for rent and for utilities. If you really don’t need the rent money, save it for them without telling them and give them the amount when they move out. But don’t let them get too comfortable not paying any rent and utilities as they may never move out

Original poster
dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:51

Testina · 14/04/2024 01:43

The fact they’re planning on a year just sounds like they’re not actually planning at all. How much difference is saving for a year going to make? Unless she’s got a great maternity package, she won’t be saving for a year, baby is due in just over 7 months. And for 6 months of that they’ve got these “big expenses”. How much are they really going to save?

You said this earlier:

”They can't afford their own place right now, not without borrowing a lot.”

So they could get a place, but with a big mortgage? I’d encourage them to do that, whilst they’re both in full time employment. They can overpay their mortgage as they get further into it. What’s the point in saving for 6 months to have what? £9K? £12K? And in that time house prices have gone up too.

They cant get a mortgage right now, no.

OP posts:
Itsallok · 14/04/2024 01:51

Of course noone says money on mat leave - unless mummy starts forking out more than she realises.

But nooooo, I am sure the irresponsible kids with great jobs prospects will suddenly be able to manage money better than they have done so far.

Don't say you were not warned OP.

Original poster
dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:54

ok, fine, lots of warnings, does anyone have any more advice on making the situation work?

OP posts:
Testina · 14/04/2024 01:55

OK, that’s not what I understood by your comment, which seemed to say they could just they’d be borrowing a lot.

Go into this with your eyes open. It’s not about making it work for a short period, it’s about them living with you for potentially years, and with a child which is going to make it virtually impossible for you emotionally (I’d think) to tell them it’s time to leave.

LuckyMum1989 · 14/04/2024 01:56

I think that it's not so much about trying to spot all the potential pitfalls now and solve them ahead of time. It's more about considering how you communicate/ will communicate when issues do arise.

You could plan for 100 scenarios and trip up on scenarip 101. So maybe don't tie yourself up with these things.

How do you handle conflict? How does DS? How does his partner? And not just in theory or how it would ideally be.... but real-honest-to-God-truly.

I think it's the same as moving in with anyone. Ground rules are all well and good (and often, important!) - but commitment to good communication from all parties is the thing that makes all the difference.

Aswellisnotoneword · 14/04/2024 01:59

They do sound quite feckless tbh. I don't envy you, OP.

Testina · 14/04/2024 02:00

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 01:54

ok, fine, lots of warnings, does anyone have any more advice on making the situation work?

It’s just too dependent on knowing them already though, surely?

The bottom line is respect all round, but especially them for you.

I’ve got 2 stepsons. I can tell you already that one would be courteous and so solicitous about being no bother that it would start to get on my nerves! Like, I could see him jumping up to do my washing up to show his gratitude all the time until I felt totally on edge and shouted at him to chill! Whereas the other one… I love him, but I already know he’d be selfish and messy and hard to live!

No-one here knows them better than you. If they’re both nice respectful people, then really there is no magic set of rules, just “don’t be an arsehole”.

viques · 14/04/2024 02:05

So , they will start to save seriously, but only in six months time when the mysterious debt that is stopping them saving now ceases.

So , mysterious debt paid and they save really hard for , erm, two months then bingo, maternity leave. Let’s hope she has been working long enough to qualify for maternity pay otherwise it’s statutory only.Not much saving to be made there.

But her maternity pay is time limited and she will need to get back to work so that they can pick up the savings thing again, (because what with one thing and another between the two of them they haven’t got very far,) but it’s ok because now they will be a double income family again. Yipee! But not so fast, they are a double income family having to pay out for childcare fees, oh dear. I’m afraid the piggy bank is going to have to stay hungry until the free hours kick in, which isn’t for another couple of years……..

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 02:14

Your son needs to get a second job while his wife is pregnant. He needs to work his arse off before the baby arrives.

I'd be very wary of them falling into bad patterns and becoming too comfortable in your home.

Original poster
dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 02:19

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 02:14

Your son needs to get a second job while his wife is pregnant. He needs to work his arse off before the baby arrives.

I'd be very wary of them falling into bad patterns and becoming too comfortable in your home.

He does work his arse off

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 02:23

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 02:19

He does work his arse off

Show quote history

He can work a little more.

Brabican · 14/04/2024 02:24

You sound like a really lovely person, OP.
I had a widowed friend who did this when her son and family moved back from Australia. It was fine. My friend made a point of absenting herself from the communal areas at key points. She had a tv in her room and spent a couple of hours shut away in the evening to give them space. She had a dog which meant she had an excuse to leave the house when she thought they needed space.
If you have a dining room or a large third bedroom, can you give them a sitting area of their own with a kettle, small fridge and microwave?
Have you any family members you can visit at weekends to give them space?
Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 02:25

Brabican · 14/04/2024 02:24

You sound like a really lovely person, OP.
I had a widowed friend who did this when her son and family moved back from Australia. It was fine. My friend made a point of absenting herself from the communal areas at key points. She had a tv in her room and spent a couple of hours shut away in the evening to give them space. She had a dog which meant she had an excuse to leave the house when she thought they needed space.
If you have a dining room or a large third bedroom, can you give them a sitting area of their own with a kettle, small fridge and microwave?
Have you any family members you can visit at weekends to give them space?
Good luck

I think you're forgetting who owns the house.

twoandcooplease · 14/04/2024 02:32

LuckyMum1989 · 14/04/2024 01:56

I think that it's not so much about trying to spot all the potential pitfalls now and solve them ahead of time. It's more about considering how you communicate/ will communicate when issues do arise.

You could plan for 100 scenarios and trip up on scenarip 101. So maybe don't tie yourself up with these things.

How do you handle conflict? How does DS? How does his partner? And not just in theory or how it would ideally be.... but real-honest-to-God-truly.

I think it's the same as moving in with anyone. Ground rules are all well and good (and often, important!) - but commitment to good communication from all parties is the thing that makes all the difference.

I think you're totally right

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:33

I think you need to be clear from the outset that they (especially son) need to do housework and cooking and that you and DH won’t be their maids.

So start as you mean to go on. Don’t be so helpful that they accept it as their due and treat you like housekeepers.

InAMillion · 14/04/2024 02:34

I wouldn't be letting them stay

They need to figure out how to support themselves and their baby

You're just enabling them to do nothing about it

Brabican · 14/04/2024 02:34

When I think about it, I have had a few friends who have had adult sons and partners live with them for a while. My friends are very easy going and undemanding. One friend never cooked for them but her kind DIL often offered to cook for everyone. She never expected it though.She treated it like a house share and had few expectations. I never once heard her complain about them.
I am dure it won't be easy but it would be a wonderful thing to do for your son and his wife.

MariaLuna · 14/04/2024 02:37

I am normally up before them as I start work earlier, I am not worried about noise or house being quiet - they are not particularly noisy

But you forgot to add a baby into the mix. Mine needed 3-hours feeds after birth, 24/7.