to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

People are getting totally sidetracked by prams and airers and family calendars. Every update with more detail just makes it sound worse and worse for @dirtyblond

They sound absolutely feckless having a baby at this point in time, the son’s GF is in danger of derailing her whole career and OP will be left in a bad position, having enabled all of it.

I apologise as I know OP is looking for helpful suggestions as to how to make it work…not predictions of doom and gloom…and clearly won’t be heeding any of us telling her “IT’S A BAD IDEA”!

This is the elephant in the room. They can’t afford to rent, they can’t afford to buy. They will struggle to afford childcare if this is the case. In 10 years time they will still be at OPs having gradually taken over her house

But DIL needs two masters degrees because in her industry you can’t possibly have a career with just one master. 🤦🏻‍♀️

it would depend what the master is, wouldn't it. I am sure there are masters which cover everything you need for that industry, but hers doesn't. She has a masters in engineering. She needs qualifications in ecology and social admin too, so environmental decision making covers both of these things.

It is not unusual to find your qualifications too narrow for the career you eventually choose, and need to do more training.

Has she working in her chosen career at the moment? It seems quite a niche career ? Will there be jobs in your locality for her career? If not, will that affect her plans?

Yes, she is working in renewable energy right now, and is doing very well. Once she has her further qualification she will be applying for promotions

Years ago I moved in with a partners parents to let us save. I got on well with his parents and didn't think it would be an issue.

HOW WRONG WAS I?

I want to point out that they aren't bad people

It was a 3 bedroom property, we had our own room with en-suite but the rest of the rooms were 'communal' and we never had any space. Alone time had to be spent in our bedroom. They always had dinner about 5/6 then would moan if I was cooking at 8 ( just home from work ). Dinner would occasionally be left but if we didn't want that or decided to eat out / take away then they took it personally. They would moan if we went to bed to watch tv but would never ask what we wanted to watch. Weekends we never got a long lie and I never truly felt at home. I would come home to a fresh made bed and our room cleaned and tided. It just never felt like our space.

In the end it pretty much ruined my relationship. Arguments about his mum vs living in each others pockets (a home you can get space away from your OH). Even talking became difficult as we always had an audience. His nieces and nephews would come round and then we were expected to babysit or help out.

I feel they didn't take advantage of us being there at times but also wanted to say how we lived our lives.

I think if you can respect their boundaries, try not to be over bearing and be open to change then it might work.

The only way on would do this again would be if it was a large home and we could have our own living space as well as a bedroom. You have to let them lead their own lives etc.

I agree but it's a potential source of conflict to be considered.

Many of us have been in this kind of situation where we needed to do more training or further study after having children. Our solution was to keep making our own way in life, in our own home, while either accepting that we weren't in a position to do the exact career path we'd have ideally liked, OR we chipped away at the second qualification instead of doing it full time. Got there eventually. You make an adult move like having children, you plan around it.

Maybe it can work for you but I really can't see this being a two year arrangement, or whatever it was you said it would be. They should at least be paying to cover the extra expenses you will incur by their being there.

Maybe ask for rent and utility bills. Save it and give it back to them as a deposit.

I replied before saying I think this could work but (in brief) to talk about everything up front and to have a realistic plan of how long they will be there.

However the more you respond the more I have doubts. You have mentioned basically turning your bedroom into a bedsit so they can have the rest of the house, having to make sure you are quiet around the baby, you spending a few weeks elsewhere when the baby is born, and changing your hobbies so you have somewhere outside the house.

This isn't "letting them move in with you". This is giving them your house and you becoming a very apologetic lodger in their house which you pay for.That isnt a situation that's going to work. Either they are going to feel on edge and like they've pushed you out of your own home, and it will cause tension. Or they will get used to having a house they can't afford pretty much to themselves and in ten years time they will be living a life of luxury in your home while you live in the bedsit that used to be your bedroom, working your backside off to cover the bills on the whole house.

If my sibling needed to move back in with my parent I would have no problem with that. If that resulted in my parent basically handing the house over to my sibling and looking to spend lots of time elsewhere, then I really would have a problem with it.

In the nicest possible way OP you need to get a backbone. By all means let them move in with you if you would like to. But remember it's YOUR house - all of it, not just your bedroom. And they need to adapt around you in the main, not the other way round. The amount you seem willing to give up for them is madness, and the maddest thing about it is that there is no indication they have asked for or expect that level of sacrifice.

This OP. It's your home, you don't have to change anything. They are there because you are helping them and doing them a favour. You don't get out of the way in your own home. They fit in with you.

“This OP. It's your home, you don't have to change anything. They are there because you are helping them and doing them a favour. You don't get out of the way in your own home. They fit in with you.”

THIS!

does anyone on here disagree with this? Surely not!?

THIS ⬆️⬆️

@JurassicFantastic you have it in a nutshell…really hope @dirtyblond takes your advice to heart.

You just need to sit down and talk to them. Tell them the things that would really get on your nerves (like leaving the kitchen counter messy) and other things that you don’t really mind (like the tv being left on when nobody is in). Ask them,(her), what her likes and dislikes are, if she can cook, if she is naturally tidy or messy etc. Establish a few ground rules. Maybe suggest u have a chat again in a month and take it from there. It will be fine, and you will have some extra special time with your grandchild which other grandparents never get.

I would do it, no discussion. Son and his fiancee and baby have been staying here several times for a few months at the time (because of works done in their place) and that went well. Also during covid, which was a challenge but we all think it went well. Do set ferm houserules and do it together ánd before they move in. Things like how to handle the trash, the laundry, cleaning, shopping etc., Also I can be difficult about things like leaving lights on or windows open with the heating on. I know, petty isn't it, but it's important to have a good talk about that in time.

You are really nice to think of this.

OP, you’re an amazing mother and you’re right - if they will save properly - you’ll help for decades to come! It’s very, very hard to buy a property in certain parts of the UK, especially if one is earning very average money and must pay rent.

Slightly different but I moved back in with my parents 20 years ago with DH and 1yo DS. For 10 months (I left 6month pregnant 😳) as we were awaiting our new house to be built. We found it really easy, my parents are not at all over powering and were helpful but not critical.
my Dsis also moved in whilst her home was being rebuilt with 2 children and left with 3 😳. It equally worked well for her.
be I hope you work it out for everyone’s benefit, this is what families do isn’t it ?! Help one another in times of need.

OP, I have had my son and his partner here for most of last year, and now they are back with their baby.

It can work!

I don’t get too stressed about tidiness because it’s a small house and everyone’s stuff clutters it up. It’s not a hill I want our relationship to die on.

We all give one another space, and we (DH and I ) help with the baby where we can, and if it’s wanted. I don’t offer unsolicited advice on parenting!

Our relationship is built on mutual respect. I love my DIL dearly, which helps enormously.

They are waiting for a visa for my son to live in DIL’s home country (bloody Brexit 🤬), and when he gets it, I will see less of them, as they won’t have to keep coming back. What I will have by then though, is a strong bond with DIL and my grandchild.

I’m treasuring every moment.

I'd run a mile - sorry, and for a variety of different reasons......

Nightmare.

We stayed with my MIL whilst renovating our current property. We’re both very independent, headstrong women. 😂 She made it clear she wouldn’t clear up after us. We took turns cooking. I did our washing etc. DS was 6 at the time. We had the conversation about how’s and what’s before we moved in. I think the one thing she’s always done really well is offer advice, without ever expecting it to be taken (which in fairness is very clever because it makes me much more inclined lol). I was very grateful we didn’t have to go into rented, so I made sure not to tick her off during our stay. She is one of my best friends and favourite people. A fabulous advocate for her sons and daughters in law. I think if you’re firm but kind it can work out great. You’re doing a wonderful thing for them.

But you are helping them out as they are living rent free. Be prepared for resentment from your other children

I moved in with my parents and my DS for a bit while trying to buy a place, which ended up taking nearly a year due to being outbid when sale agreed, twice. My mum treated me as a teenager, so not great, and wanted to see the baby all the time - I did a lot of visiting friends at weekends.

As you've a 3 bed, could you let them have 2 rooms, one as a bedroom, one as a sitting room? Gives them the space so you're not all in the sitting room/kitchen together, and so they can have friends around etc. Otherwise, can they fit a sofa into their bedroom, so they have space of their own?

I would talk to them about roatas for bathroom, using washing machine etc - doesn't have to be in stone, but gives a general idea of when you do your laundry etc so they can fit around you.

I think this can work, I know I'd do it for my DS if necessary - saving for a deposit is hard.