to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

As I said previously we had child, partner and baby live with us for a year and it worked out fine for us. We don’t have a big house either. It’s what you do for your children.

Um, the baby/mum adapts, just as they would do in any household where there are early rising parents and other children?

It's not so much I think it would happen, or would be right to happen, but sibling dynamics are complex. I've seen it many times that siblings who are seen to be doing fine are given no help whatsoever over the decades, while those who 'need' help become over-reliant on it. Of course people should help their children in need, it's just worth considering the wider impact - there may be feelings to address that have not been thought about yet.

@ChaoticCrumble I have seen this too. In one case DC stayed for 20 years and had years of free childcare and free meals etc. now she has inherited the whole house because she did the “caring” (she did 4 weeks of caring before DP passed away). ONe DS is very upset by this unfair treatment.

Matriarch? Wtf

Unrealistic opinion in the current climate

@DNLove

why are they responsible for him?

Personally, I would be keen to have a date/action plan discussed, so that everyone’s working toward the same goal/expectations. Otherwise, this arrangement could drag on. One way of possibly ‘setting them up for success’ is by charging them what they currently pay in rent and putting that money into a high interest savings account. When the time comes, you could give them back that money for their deposit.

You mention in a previous post that you don’t have any money—who will cover the extra council tax (I presume you’re on a single household rate now) and the extra utilities you’ll be paying for now that there will be 4 in the house?

Honestly I think you should just let them change jobs and move to an area they can afford…unless you are ok with them living with you potentially forever. They probably won’t save much once the baby arrives snd then they won’t save once they have to pay for childcare. At some point they’ll realise that if they just stay put, they won’t have to get a mortgage and they’ll have a chance of inheriting your house on the basis that all your other kids have their own homes.

Thanks for this. I didn’t even realise that this was an option. SIL2 moved back in with PILs for a while after moving back home from living overseas, SIL1 moved back in for a year when she fell on hard times. It never crossed DH’s mind to ask for cash from his parents in order to be treated equally with his sisters, as they were financially benefiting from free rent and he wasn’t. I bet DH is in for a windfall of cash…how exciting!

Their bedsit is being sold

Well they weren't going to be able to stay in a bedsit with a baby anyway, where they?

Depending on how old they are and what they are like with money, I'd be setting some ground rules. Insist that they pay the equivalent of their rent into a high interest savings account where they can't access the money without quite a bit of notice, and perhaps even insist that you have access to that account too so you can keep an eye on it. Plus the money they would have spent on their bills previously they will now be needed to pay their share of the bills at your house. Otherwise if you are not careful you might find the baby arrives and they've spent all their money and don't have enough savings to enable them to move out anyway.

In that case I'd suggest that you do need to charge them at least what it costs you, ie the 25% single persons council tax that you will lose and a bit towards the extra gas and electric that will be used for showers, cooking separate meals etc.

I have 3 sons, one never left, another moved back in after 6 years and this is all I charged them. Other one did voice his annoyance that they were gaining from me as they had no bills to pay (I've put that badly he wasn't quite that blunt but I could tell he was a bit jealous) and as I always want to try to treat them equally/fairly i occasionally treat him to some extra cash to buy himself something and he knows this is because i spend money on his brothers groceries. I don't want any hard feelings between them after I've gone as they only have each other.

If they are both working full time (post baby) will they be able to afford both rent and childcare?

How much money are they going to try and save?

Is there going to be a family meeting or way for all of you to say when something’s bothering you?

What are they expecting from you as grandmother/landlady? They might not know the answer to this yet.

What’s their planned style of parenting? How was DIL brought up? Is it very different from how you did it?

What are your expectations of them as houseguests/housemates?

she is completing her second masters degree

I will have to be as quiet as I can

she is already in her chosen career, and will be ready to advance once she completes this degree. They have both worked full time for coming up to 2 years.

The other thing to consider (which may not have occurred to her/them) is your DIL is about to make herself very vulnerable financially. She will be pregnant/on mat leave (does she qualify for mat leave/enhanced pay? Will she go back to the same job/hours?), then she will have a small baby. She has no home, no savings, barely any family. If she and your son were to split, she has none of the benefits of marriage, and she will be homeless. This might be making her feel a bit panicky and worried about everything.

Are there any plans for marriage? (I am not suggested you ask or suggest anything on the subject of course, but has it been mentioned?) This can be done very cheaply, but if there are plans for a wedding at some point, that will affect their financial plans.

It almost certainly will affect the dynamic with your other children too. Even if they don’t resent it or think it’s unfair, there may be a feeling that you’re bailing your son out of some “bad choices” (do they like his girlfriend, did they wait until they were financially stable before starting families, etc etc) - there can be a dynamic where they think you’re doing absolutely the right thing and they love their brother and are pleased he’s getting help when he needs it, but there’s still a bit of (older?) sibling eyerolling at “typical Dan, didn’t really think it all through, good job Mum can help him out”. I imagine after a year or so that might get very old very quickly.

If this was just your son and his wife, I think it COULD work and people have already given you a lot of things to think about.

A baby in 7 months time, with your DIL subsequently being on Maternity leave is a whole different ball-game and I think you are probably underestimating, from what you have said, the amount of disruption and change in dynamics, which that event will cause. They will need a lot of storage space for all the baby stuff for one thing and your house will not feel like yours. A three bed semi is not a lot of room for 3 adults AND a baby. Where will the pram go for one thing?

I understand you want to help them, I really do, but I think the lack of space and privacy will be your biggest stumbling block, after a few months. I also think you moving out for a few weeks after baby is born is a terrible idea. That, plus handing over the main living room to them is another very bad idea. This is YOUR home and I think one of the things you aren't thinking about, is that making things too comfortable for them is a mistake - or they'll still be with you in 10 or more years time: they will come to feel they don't need to move and you will come to feel that it is not your home any more. In a year's time they will be asking if they can stay another year. Then there will be another baby and they won't want to move then either.

I do wish you well - but do think carefully about all the possible ramifications and lay down the ground rules before they move in

Where will the pram go? 🤣 same place anyone else would put it

Have they factored in storage costs?

I really think the airer would be a lifesaver - have you anywhere other than a bedroom you could squeeze it in? Landing?

@Kinshipug Where will the pram go? 🤣 same place anyone else would put it

Not everyone has a hall or space to house a pram. Only place I could put one in my house would be in the hall blocking off access to the front door ( and thus a hazard in the event of a fire) and also blocking off access to the downstairs loo. OP has a 3 bed semi and NO garage

Only place you could put it? You know they are mobile right? 3 bed semis are family homes. People find room for a pram.

Re family calendar- if you and they have smart phones you can use the calendar feature there and add any appointments/ events etc through there. Otherwise maybe an old fashioned big piece of paper on the fridge?

Some of these posts are hilarious 😂 2 women are now RESPONSIBLE for 1 man?? MIL and DIL competing over cooking all his food the way he likes it?? What century are we in 😅

Fucking nuts isn't it