to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

I don’t think it sounds like a particularly good time for them to have a family tbh.

It's very unusual that it works but it did in my situation. I lived with my inlaws when I was pregnant with my 2nd and had a young toddler. My DH was working abroad which I think actually made it easier space wise.

My MIL and FIL did some drop offs and pick ups from nursery to support and just generally being present so I could do nightshift without having to worry about DS.

They were caring for grand-PIL so I took my turn with that and was able to support them so they could have time to themselves.

Tidying could be an issue as I'm naturally very messy and FIL exceptionally tidy but I just kept my mess to my space and was very respectful of keeping communal areas to the high standards they do. We all mucked in with meals and took our turn. Same with washing/chores.

I mostly went out to see friends (toddler came with me) or had them round nights I knew they would be out as I didn't want them to feel they couldn't sit in their own living room.

It was just shy of a year and we always knew the plan was temporary but we look back very fondly on my time staying there. I get on very well with PIL and she was such an excellent support after each baby. I tried to be the same for them with their caring commitments and I know I'll be the same after a big op for her this year.

I would out anything you don't want them to use away somewhere.

DIL/MIL set up doesn't work

I think the biggest point of tension would be financial. You are helping them out massively, but could end up resenting that if they are spending on things that you personally wouldn't, and not saving fast enough.

no, she pays the tuition fees herself, because it is her second masters, no loans available - she already has a masters in engineering, but needs a qualification in environmental decision making now too

I was the DIL in a similar set up but there was no baby involved. While my MIL can be a head fuck and draining she is a decent person if a bit on the overly holistic side of life.

It was hell living with her. First few months were absolutely fine. (We also paid market value for the room with all utilities and council tax included in the price)
The rest of the two years were difficult. She would often get involved or offer advice that wasn't needed or wanted if we as a couple had a disagreement. She would make off the cuff remarks about us spending money on the odd take away or bottle of wine. Or if we booked a holiday etc

My advice don't give an unsolicited advice especially when it comes to baby. Let them come to you if they need anything.

Also, things like not having enough cupboard and fridge space was tough, we are also much todoer than her and I felt if I wasn't at work I was cleaning.

Felt that we couldn't make any noise after a certain time in the evening, just in case we disturbed her. Took the fun right out of sex as well. Just awkward if she woke up and used the loo or was getting a drink.

Laundry was always challenge, she didn't have a washing machine and only two clothes horses. Seeing my pants drying in the kitchen while cooking dinner would fuck me off and I always smelt of food. Been told I didn't but I knew that I smelt of cooking smells.

Would be woken up early at the weekends when she would randomly decide to clean or talk very loudly on the phone and we didn't feel we could complain or doing anything about it, it is her house after all.

We both smoked at the time, (early 00s - still socially acceptable and smoking was still allowed in doors everywhere) we would smoke outside, but then had to listen to lectures on smoking and everything that came with it. I know that came from a good place - but trust me smokers often know more about the damage they are causing to themselves than others can tell them.

How will you deal with or turn a blind eye to their habits and crutches?

Social life was difficult because although we could have friends over, we felt they had to leave by 11 pm at the latest. She would complain she could hear us laughing from her room.

We never used the living room. Bathroom, kitchen and then up to our room. It was shit feeling like you could only live in one room, because you know you can shut the door and dont have to fake socialise after a hectic day or when the tubes would malfunction.

Never felt we truly had our own space. We bickered and argued alot as a couple. Felt stagnated and trapped until we had enough money for a deposit. Not sure how we made it through and didn't divorce.

Almost everyone I know who has done this (including me) has found it MUCH harder than they thought.

You should charge rent. Your expenses will go up and it won’t take long for resentment to set in. Start as you mean to go in and charge enough to cover the increases in utilities and council tax. You don’t need to profiteer but you don’t need to lose out either.

Don’t banish yourself to your room. It is hard having your whole life in one room and you own a 3 bed house. You need a private bedroom and a separate private living area. Could they have the 3rd bedroom as a snug/sitting room of their own? Do you have 2 reception rooms?

Be realistic about the timeframe. What are you offering? Don’t let it be indefinite. They are unlikely to have saved enough for a deposit before the baby is born. If you want to support them until home ownership you are probably looking at 3-4 years due to ML and baby expenses and nursery. If you only want them for 6 months then don’t let them stay longer in the basis of not being able to buy. They will have to rent.

Tell them what your expectations about their savings are and ensure they stick to it. They are grown adults, but they are putting you to a huge inconvenience for the sole reason of saving up and you have a right to insist that what they save in rent is spent on saving for their own place, not pissed up the wall.

Agree to rules about food. It really is better if people buy and cook their own food because you are all so used to having that autonomy. Agree on what is shared (sauces/condiments etc) and give them their own space to keep their shit.

Tell them your expectations for cleaning/chores before they move in.

Agree to heated airer. Laundry will become a bone of contention.

I honestly think your ideas of staying in your bedroom, moving out when the baby is born, and joining a gym to give them space and subsidising them financially by paying all the bills and council tax, are mad. They need to fit around you and you sound as if you are trying to make yourself as small as possible. It makes it more difficult on you and more difficult on the kids as they try to make themselves feel like they aren’t an inconvenience against a background of you staying in one room and getting washed at the gym. It’s easier for them if they are lodgers - they pay X amount, and 2/3 of the water/heating and can use 2 rooms plus bathroom and kitchen. I would hate to live in my mums house and have her scuttling about as if she’s the scullery maid accidentally caught above stairs.

Goodness, she must have invested an awful lot into her career choice! I presume the pregnancy was rather unexpected?

Hopefully it is a really good career and she’ll walk into a job where the salary will be solid enough to pay for the childcare and a deposit for a house in London (with his money too, of course).

Both of those costs will be wild, unfortunately:(

So early twenties, with money for a Master's degree but no money to rent? Hmm.
OP, you sound like a caring and considerate MIL, I think most of the pitfalls mentioned won't be relevant to you. You're even happy for them to stay longer and as @Zwicky said, the way you're acting, it's as though 'they' are doing you a favour, and not the other way around!
It's your house at the end of the day. not theirs.
I'm not from the UK and used to intergenerational households, it's not as bad as people think if all parties respect each other.

But the one thing I'd say is, all working adults should contribute. As PP said the setup sounds so cushy, I can see them staying there at least until the child's in school. I wouldn't bank on them leaving any time soon. It's hard to ask for money halfway through,

Nothing wrong with them staying, as you seem happy for that to happen as well!

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread. In case it hasn’t been mentioned why don’t you downsize to get enable you to give them a hand to get on the property ladder near you. Win win.

They can't even afford to rent, @Babymamamama!

The OP also has other children.

And also, why should she? They're in their early twenties - there's plenty of time for them to get on the housing ladder.

XH and I lived with his parents for a few months when we were trying to buy our first house, and then another few months when I was pregnant. The second time was because we were having building work done.

At one point, I think both XH's siblings were also there.

XH was self-employed and WFH full-time so was able to do some cooking and laundry. MIL kept offering to do the laundry and I really didn't want her washing my underwear.

I was commuting and working full-time and didn't get in until after 7 pm every evening. PIL wanted us all to eat together to prevent there being lots of people trying to cook in their tiny kitchen (big house, loads of space, but tiny kitchen!) I had to say which nights I would be in for dinner. I probably stayed out to meet friends after work a bit more than usual so I wouldn't have to spend every evening in.

We had a TV in a separate room, so could have our own space a bit.

I later had to live with XH for quite a while when we were separated but he hadn't moved out.

Rules, a kitchen rota, agreement about laundry days etc will all help. Can you talk to them about their main concerns? Then you can all three talk about the best way to manage certain situations.

I think the fact that you're thinking about it is a good sign and means it has a better chance of working.

Personality will also make a difference. We didn't really want to be there, but it made the most sense financially in the short-term.

XH's youngest sibling has claimed for years that they don't want to live at home. But now, 15 years later, in their 40s, child-free, and on a higher salary than me, the same sibling is still living with ex-in-laws and claiming they can't afford to move out. Which is frankly nonsense.

If OP's DS and DIL are of the "makes the most sense for right now but we want to get out own place ASAP" mindset, them it's a nice thing to do for them and they probably will go ASAP.

One of my work colleagues has entered a similar set up, although without the timescale and it’s her daughter and daughter’s partner. She said it’s all working well so far, particularly as they have their own spaces (small house but with attic conversion). Her biggest worry was the in-laws potentially wanting to visit frequently - understandable that they would want to visit to see the new baby but she dreaded them wanting to come daily/being there when she got in from work etc. They discussed all of this before baby was born and a lot of it ended up being a non-issue.

"and live in a bedsit so not much space that needs to be to cleaned and tidied."

The smaller the space, the HARDER it is to keep tidy. I admire anyone who can keep a bedsit tidy, especially with two people.

I think the most important thing is for you to ensure you in no way fall into the role of mum. So that means not treating them like teens, stepping in to sort stuff out, or doing domestic tasks for them.

Don't offer opinions unless specifically asked for them (and try to not even then!) and don't involve yourself in their arguments. Stay neutral, stay out of it.

At the very first sign of regression to stroppy teenager from either of them- stamp it out. hard. And bluntly.

Sit down and agree basic house rules and expectations.

They need to pay something to you for electric gas etc.
I would get a written formal agreement on bills boundaries and expectations to avoid any problems later on

Do you mean masters or second ordinary degree?
It would be very very unusual if not impossible to be in your early 20s, completing a second masters (after several years of part-time study).

I would discuss it carefully before either side commits to this but if you go ahead treat it a bit like a flat share

1. DO have rules and rotas.
2. DO have clear boundaries on which spaces are yours/theirs/shared
3. DO have a pre arranged system for airing and resolving grievances (e.g. a monthly house meeting)
4. DO discuss and agree how much they will contribute to expenses like bills
5. DO discuss and agree to what extent grocery shopping will be shared which if any food and meals will be personal property rather than shared property.

Gppd luck

Slightly different as it was my little sister that moved in with us.We worked out what she could afford in rent whilst still saving towards a deposit and we took the rent payment monthly for just over a year. What we didn't share was we were putting the rent away into a savings account and when she was in a position to move out to her own place we gave this money back. I have no doubt had we not taken it the money would have been used as disposable income for nights out and clothes but this way she had two saving pots at the end of her time with us.

We lived with my in laws whilst I was pregnant and for a little while after. It worked absolutely fine - we agreed rent in advance, cleaned up after ourselves, and also gave the house a weekly clean the same as we do in our own home, had a fridge in the shelf, cooked ourselves dinner but would offer if they hadn’t eaten and there was enough (eg lasagne) and they would do the same.
i actually think the more you overthink it the most stressful it is - providing everyone is considerate it works fine in my experience

Quoting myself to add - we didn’t treat it like a flat share as others have suggested, if milk was empty we’d buy more, if they noticed we had no bread they’d pick some up (they’re GF so wouldn’t have bought it otherwise).
If there was an issue we just used our words and communicated 🤷🏼‍♀️
It really doesn’t have to be as huge a deal as some are making out. The flip side is that we’re both naturally tidy and considerate annd anppreciated how nice it was of them to let us all stay, and PIL aren’t overbearing or intrusive, so we all muddled along just fine!

I did wonder about the time scale.

It seems like such a shame that someone so clearly career-focused-who has done an undergraduate degree and two Masters back to back whilst working full time, can’t afford to rent anywhere-even with two full time salaries and has now fallen pregnant in their early 20s.

When I was training, I made sure contraception was as solid as I could make it and and said to (now) DH that if I were to fall pregnant, I would seriously have considered a termination. I know that might sound awful to many, but that’s how I felt at the time. I just wanted to get established in jobs and housing more sorted before committing to having kids.

Unless this job pays huge amounts, I can’t see how they are going to afford to pay childcare, rent and save a deposit in a year? How much is full time childcare daily in London for a baby?

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful thing.

We were in a slightly different situation - we moved in with my PILs after living abroad, without any firm plans on what to do next except look for new jobs and a new home.

We were lucky that they had a spacious house. We had dinner together every night. DH took it in turns with cooking with MIL while I kept DC occupied. I did my share of cleaning and tidying. I tried to offer to cook too, but they had a very fixed idea of what they thought would work, so I just tried to slot into that. Having said that they were very flexible and tolerant in other ways, especially with DC.

We thought it would be about 6 months to look for new jobs, and we were prepared that it could be much longer. MIL said to me a couple of times that she thought it was working, which alleviated a lot of the worry I had that they were being polite and might have been fed up with us.

So we didn't have many rules or anything but I think because we're all low maintenance (apart from DC) it did work for us. We left on good terms and I actually felt very close to my PILs afterwards. We talked deeply about all kinds of things, including difficulties with DC, and they took an interest and listened and offered advice, not all of it was needed, but they were not overbearing. I love going back to visit and I think they like to have us too. I wasn't in direct contact with MIL before, but I am now because I want to be.

So I think it can be fine as long as both sides are flexible and kind. I think it's good to have a clear idea from the start on who has what responsibilities and to get into a routine quickly that works for both sides.

What a helpful post!! OP, read and re-read it!

This was our experience too.