to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

we had to move in with my MIL when my child was newborn as our landlord didn’t want children in the house so evicted us (s21) very grateful to her for that time as it gave us a roof whilst we found our feet. We contributed rent and bills and helped with housework that wasn’t just ours. Difficult at times but we get on well now and that was 9yrs ago.

I stayed with now ex il’s about 20 years ago for 2 weeks that was time difference between been evicted from our house ( was been sold ) and moving into new one .

it was only two weeks but a very long one . We were not really made to feel comfortable - slept in the lounge as cat slept in spare room and shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable . I had a migraine one day so got to sleep in kitchen dinner next to dog bed .

Her cooking was quite bland . I cooked a roast dinner to say thank you . It was pie has to have his dinner at 5- I mean it was chicken , so if it wasn’t cooked it was going to be late . It was a great meal pil loved it that upset mil. We had to watch what they wanted to watch on Tv , couldn’t go to our room early as we had to wait for bedtime . It goes on really

i just put this as an example of how tough it can be .

My advice sit down have a conversation about your and there expectations - do you all want cooking rota or cook your own if you work very different hours .

I wouldn’t move out when baby comes but let her know she is welcome to have family and friends over . How will that be managed if you have friends over too .

cleaning , basic expectations .washing

Maybe gave them over for a meal to discuss this stuff .

Be clear you want this to work so trying to work a way that works for everyone first .

I think this can absolutely work and would definitely offer similar support if I were in your shoes - but you do need to place ground rules in place (it sounds as though you have) and I would also agree to have a checkin/discussion every 3m to review so that if things are not working they can be discussed as they emerge, rather than fester.

I would also be clear that this is intended for one year and that the free-rent aspect may need to be reviewed at the 12 month stage. After a year you can all discuss how close they are to having a big enough deposit, how they will approach house-hunting, how long the conveyancing for a purchase might take at that stage etc - and this would mean they would understand that it’s not an open ended offer and encourage them to remain focused on savings/house-hunting. It also allows you to be in control of extending the period to 18m etc in recognition of the new baby and any issues arising (PND, a colicky baby etc).

I think you sound like a lovely supportive mum who is trying to help your son and his partner when something out of their control has happened. Congrats on the impending DGC!

I had to move in with my own parents for a little while when DC was a baby and it was awful! I think it can be so difficult sharing the space and put a strain on me and my mums relationship at the time. I didn’t have a lot of other options at the time though.

This was me and hubby a few years back. Not only was I early in pregnancy but also had a toddler.
It worked out fine and there were no issues before, during or after.

Buy a dehumidifier.
If you are drying washing for 3 adults and a baby without adequate ventilation you will end up with mould. A dehumidifier is the best space saving solution for drying washing on a cothes horse.

Similar for me - had a b’stard buyer for our house and a bloody nightmare of a purchasing chain and a 3m old baby. DH got a new job and we spent 7m with him commuting weekends from London (job) to midlands (where I was with the family).

It was stressful as I had a miscarriage while I was there and DH couldn’t come home and this kind of pushed me over the edge with the solicitor/chain and I remember having a huge melt down in a garden centre a few days before Christmas because I just wanted to be with my DH - but my inlaws were incredible.

I have no idea where we’d have been without the offer of their hospitality and the safe space they gave us. Was a lovely time for them to bond with our first born too. We came back for 3 months a year later when we had building work done on the house, so the InLaws were seriously sainted by then.

But this is what families do - they help each other. Or they used to.

MumsNet will tell you.

What will the son's other siblings think? If my brother and his kids moved into my parents' house I'd understand but a little bit of me might be (unfairly perhaps) resentful that he was happy to take over their whole house just to save money. Have you helped the other siblings in other ways?

How kind.

whilst nit charging rent, you will lose your single occupancy council tax, so I would agree upfront what they are paying for that will increase your costs:

council tax difference
money for gas and electric difference - so look at your bills and then charge them the difference
cleaning products etc, household items needed

Why isn't the 1 man responsible for himself? Given that he works and is about to become a father, I assume he's a fully grown adult?!

Me and my husband did it for a year whilst we were buying our house we didn’t want to lose the sale on our property and as it was a new build we were getting us not being in a chain was beneficial and helped us save more money. . It was fine, stressful at times not cos of his parents just cos buying a house finding somewhere right is hard. Us living with his parents actually strengthen mine and my MIL’s relationship prior to us moving in we were not that close but over the year that we were living there we got to know each other a lot better and I think she enjoyed the extra company rather just FIL to speak to 🤣🤣🤣 just respect boundaries and communication is key

If you brought up children that own their property to be resentful of homeless sibling with a baby on the way, you have done something very wrong in parenting.

My sister and her family lived with parents for years to save for property. If anything I felt sorry for them to be crowded amd I celebrated when she got her own place.
I consider myself lucky for not needing that kind of help and I surelly would not expect my parents to compensate me.
It's just bizarre.

He could always cook his own eggs, of course. The woman's ovaries aren't necessary for breakfast, only for procreation.

Were they planning to bring up the baby in a bedsit?

I wouldn't be doing that at all. Its your house yet you will feel like the lodger. There will be 2 then 3 of them so you are already going to be out numbered.
If that room is larger give them that one as a “family” room.
So you are worried about overstepping - are they worried about taking you for granted and resenting you being around? You shouldn't be the one making all the compromises.

They should also be contributing to any increase in Council tax and other bills and giving you a rent payment even if its small - if you just put it towards the wear and tear on the house, carpets, white goods etc. 3 people up and down stairs /using washing machine etc is bound to shorten the life spans and once the baby arrives your washing machine will be going non stop.

No, never. Sorry.

I'd think about buying a caravan. Park it on your driveway......if you have one. They pay expenses ie water heating etc. They then have their own ' home'. Charge then 100 quid a week rent

Sell caravan when they move on.

The 100 pw could go back to them (if you like) and if you wanted to you could you could take the shortfall from sale of caravan off the rent accumulated

No way could I cope with what you're suggesting in a 3 bed semi

I cannot believe how many posters have queued up to lecture OP on not being an overbearing MIL. Her DS and DIL are incredibly fortunate to have her and this generous offer. I know a couple who ending up terminating in a similar situation with no family support and who would have happily traded for a year with an overbearing grandparent.

You've had some great advice on this thread, @dirtyblond. I really hope it works out for you all.

DH and I stayed with my parents when DS was a baby as we were building a house at the time. We were lucky enough to have our own bathroom, bedrooms at opposite ends of the house etc. It worked great for us and we enjoyed the 2 years we spent there. No way would I have done the same if it was my parents in law though. It just wouldn't have worked as MIL and I would have had very different views on most things.

How is it going to be when you get up at 6am and the baby gets disturbed? Will they get upset, want you to change, or accept it's how you do things in your house they are kindly being allowed to stay with you in?

Sorry, just picked up on ‘early twenties’. Are you fudging details here?

You say they are working full time but also doing masters in evening. How is that possible? If part time, it’s going to take several years to complete two master degrees surely, so are they mid twenties, although doesn’t really affect general advice given.
Also, if only finished uni recently, only long have they been working full time? Under or over two years? Thus may affect maternity benefit and entitlements. Also, once stage second qualification has been completed, how easy is it to get job in new career, or is she already working in it.

I get where you are coming from but if they don’t live with you then they would presumably be having to pay rent, council tax, bills etc which they wouldn’t be paying as much if they are with you, so in fact would be saving. Can your daughter in law maybe get a shop in the evenings or weekends working in somewhere like Tesco and then your son could look after the baby.

I cannot believe how many posters have queued up to lecture OP on not being an overbearing MIL.

I know!

It's not as if Op will be turning up unexpectedly & barging her way in!

If you're happy to give up downstairs (don't think I would!) could you turn another bedroom into another space for you so that you don't have to sleep/work/relax all in the same room?

I think as long as you work out who is doing what when re showers/cooking/shopping & especially if you can have mostly separate areas it should be ok.