To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

No judgement for the kid's actual father who hasn't bothered to try to rearrange his in-office day because it's easier to lean on OP to sacrifice her day off, then?

That’s unfair , this dad is doing all he can , doesn’t seem like he is adding the bucket , just asking the op one day

You don’t know dad hasn’t tried to rearrange. OP hasn’t clarified that.

YANBU. However if you do go out for a coffee the fallout will be terrible, so there's that.

Where is his Mum, why
can't she help on that day? & if he has to be on constant suicide watch then there needs to be more intervention than there is now - what is your husband doing in terms of contacting professional services at this stage?

Is the expectation that either you or your husband will have to watch son all the time - until when? You're already sleeping apart...

I think you do need to play your part but both this boy's mum and your husband need to be more pro-active and look at the longterm too. Otherwise youll find yourself with no life, I've seen it happen.

You should've posted in Relationships, some of the responses here are so harsh angry and crazed sounding I had to scroll past loads. Maybe post can be moved

This is a nasty horrible post and you should be ashamed of yourself. You clearly haven’t read the full thread or you’d know the reasons she posted.

If DSS Mum isn't able to stay with him that day then you really should stay with him & either ask your friend to come over to your house for coffee or arrange another day to meet her. You've been with your partner 7 years therefore have been in this childs life quite a long time & should have some feelings for him. Could you live with yourself if you met your friend & something awful happened to DS? I understand he's not your child but you got with your partner who already had a child therefore you do have some responsibility towards him too.
I hope he gets the help he needs & is on the road to recovery soon.

Not worried enough to tell his work he needs to work from home that day, though.

So given that this boy has two actual parents why is the OP coming in for so much flak ? She facilitates his dad going to football every Saturday by watching his son, so why is she the absolute worlds’ worst for being angry that on the one day off when she has plans , she has to give them up because his dad won’t be honest with his boss about what’s going on and won’t ask the boys’ mother to help ?

By their very nature, people with mental health problems are unpredictable at best and even the most, seemingly calm person can suddenly "flip out". Unless it is known what triggers him it is impossible to even guess how he may react if the one constant in his life for the last month - his father - isn't there. The fact that his condition is at the point where his dad deems it necessary to spend all night with him as well as being around all day suggests that he is not in a good way at the moment. Nobody could even guess at the effect his father not being at home may have. A partner with limited experience having to take the reins for the day is only papering over the cracks. There must be a cohesive long term plan put in place involving fully trained health care professionals but in the short term the father should stay at home and explain to his employers that he can't go in that day. He could feign illness if he doesn't want to divulge his son's illness. The most important thing for the boy is getting a treatment plan in place. It cannot be beneficial to him being at home all the time with a parent. The sooner he is back at school, or attending an appropriate day centre with people of his own age, the better for everyone concerned.

Your stepson is thinking of committing suicide but instead of staying with him to ensure he's ok, you want to meet up for a coffee with a friend!

Are you serious? I'd stay with a stranger in that situation!

I think if the Dad is struggling it's up to OP to pull together & help out.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy Agreeing to have DSS stay with them is agreeing to take some responsibility for him too. I'm not giving OP 'Flak' I'm just saying all adults have a duty of care to children & in this case going for a coffee or having to stay with a mentally ill child in case they do themselves harm should be their priority.

By their very nature, people with mental health problems are unpredictable at best and even the most, seemingly calm person can suddenly "flip out".

No. As a consultant psychiatrist of 30 years I can tell you that the vast vast majority of suicidal people are not violent or aggressive to others. However unpredictable their harm to themselves may be. There are a huge number of MH disorders and presentations so stop generalising. Stop perpetuating stereotypes.

Mentally ill people are unpredictable and their demeaner can suddenly change. There was an incident at a house near where I live where a social worker made a visit to a client who really liked him and looked forward to the visits, however something happened and the social worker was fatally stabbed 47 times in what was described as a "frenzied attack". No-one thought there was any likelihood of anything like this happening and this was someone living in the community who was being monitored by the appropriate agencies. By putting forward what may happen I am simply playing devil's advocate. All potential scenarios should be considered.

Of course there is judgement on his father too. However, it's you who has the day off. What I'm saying is if that was your biological child, would you be asking on mumsnet if it's fair to give up your day? The father needs to rethink his priorities too as you don't want to give up your day as he's not your biological child. Im sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but I've had family members who have been in the same boat.
I pray he gets through this.

She has booked a day off for a specific purpose.

The DH should also be looking to book the day off or work from home. If that’s hard then the next option is to to ask the child’s actual mum, not OP who has plans with a friend, especially as DH meets his own friends on Saturdays and leaves his son with OP.

And @thepastinsidethepresent is not the OP.

And how many people deemed safe by psychiatrists to return to the community have gone on to commit violent, fatal attacks? At the nub of the problem is the underfunding of mental health care in the UK and yet again people suffering under a post-code lottery when it comes to appropriate provision. It would appear that at a time when more people are being diagnosed with mental health conditions the number of mental health beds are being reduced which puts more responsibility on already stressed families. The ultimate responsibility is the Government's for not taking the problem seriously enough and as usual it is Joe Public who ends up taking up the slack. Family members feel guilty for not caring for their relatives, even if they don't know what they are doing (may do more harm than good) and over a prolonged period of time this will take a toll on their own health - both mental and physical.

Instead of savaging this poor woman, who probably needs some respite, you should direct your attentions towards the Department for Health and Social Care to demand they provide better treatment and facilities.

Sorry, got confused with who I was replying to.
Yes, you are right, the husband needs to book a day off as HE is the biological parent and the biological mother needs to take responsibility

Agreed.

Unless someone has a psychotic illness, the chance of someone with depression attacking someone is vanishingly rare. An untreated psychotic illness increases the risk a little bit. But the vast majority of attacks and murders are committed by people with no MH diagnosis.

Yes in a risk assessment, violence to others has to be considered every time.

But the tragic case you describe (to which I am guessing you have zero professional connection) has no relevance to the young man we are discussing so why mention it? There was no need to raise violence when discussing a young man with suicidal thoughts, unless the OP mentioned it. It perpetuates the stereotypes we are trying to dispel.

There are organisations which monitor comments like yours made by journalists in the media as it is all recognised to increase stigma. It stops people seeking help and makes family members ‘hide’ their relatives’ struggles.

Instead of savaging this poor woman, who probably needs some respite, you should direct your attentions towards the Department for Health and Social Care to demand they provide better treatment and facilities.

Are your replying to people? If so you need to click the quote function.

I agree that people should not be berating the OP.

I don't think it's unfair at all unless there are added circumstances in the mix e.g. he's tried to get out of his in-office day and been refused. This is his son and he gets to do his football, he gets his breaks. OP is already doing all she can to help, she's entitled to a break herself.

That's a disgusting thing to say.

Now I'm intrigued to know what was so awful it had to be deleted!