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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
burnttoad · 15/04/2024 12:58

@kkloo

The mother needs to be told of what's going on. She might want him home, she might insist on going over, who knows, but why are you putting his on the MOTHER, instead of the FATHER who has only had him living with him for a month?
The father has been sleeping with his son and watching him every day this is hardly a man not being responsible. He can't for this one day and people are saying the OP should. I am saying the boy's mother should. It's one day. A single day. If she's that unable she should be in a hospital. Is she's just unwilling then that's where the problem lies.

kkloo · 15/04/2024 13:33

burnttoad · 15/04/2024 12:58

@kkloo

The mother needs to be told of what's going on. She might want him home, she might insist on going over, who knows, but why are you putting his on the MOTHER, instead of the FATHER who has only had him living with him for a month?
The father has been sleeping with his son and watching him every day this is hardly a man not being responsible. He can't for this one day and people are saying the OP should. I am saying the boy's mother should. It's one day. A single day. If she's that unable she should be in a hospital. Is she's just unwilling then that's where the problem lies.

Can you give me the details of these hospitals that people get to go to when they're overwhelmed, struggling to cope and need a break please?

Your comment is incredibly misogynistic. The son has lived with the mother for the whole time, and through 3 years of this. He has only lived with the dad for one month, these suicidal thoughts this time round have been there for a few days and you're painting the dad as a saint and the perfect father and the mother as some lazy uninvolved useless parent.

If she's that bad and the cause of his problems then maybe the dad should have stepped in a long time ago seeing as he's father of the year, and he shouldn't have waited until the mother had to tell him she couldn't cope.

Love51 · 15/04/2024 14:15

Zonder · 14/04/2024 08:26

I suspect neither he nor the OP would enjoy that!

Why would a 16 year old want to go for coffee with a couple of older women?

Show quote history

Because the choices are go to school or fit in with the family. There is nothing to be gained by the entire household shrinking their lives to the depression. If op is put in the position of caretaker and SS can't be home alone then he tags along. (As I suggested upthread he can wander round the shops, he doesn't have to sit with op and her mate the whole time) This way he isn't be excluded but his illness doesn't start to dominate more of the family than it already does.
Yes it won't be the most fun spontaneous coffee trip ever but it stops op falling into the role of isolated carer.

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 14:18

I wish people would stop slagging off the mother and knighting the father. This is a longstanding problem in an acute phase. The mother has other children at home and has been the primary parent for at least the last three years. She was able to do it almost full time until one month ago? If she was unreliable or incompetent the DP should have been fighting for his son. If she was competent but burnt out then—a month ago—she is still competent now.

Crumpleton · 15/04/2024 14:41

OP are you actually the boys SM or are you simply his Dad's Girlfriend?
Because there is a very big difference.

If the former I think when you married a person knowing their is a DC involved you do have to take on a certain amount of thought that there may come a time that the DC may be more prominent in your lives, not to be taken for a push over though.

If the latter....IMO it's really not your responsibility.

There must be hundreds of Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships out there where one/both have DC and no matter whether you've been in that relationship a week, a month or years that doesn't by any means automatically make you a child's Step mother/father.

JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2024 16:45

What his father actually needs to have done (I guess it's today?) was to have spoken with his manager and informed them his son is in crisis and threatening to kill himself, his ex wife has washed her hands of her own son, and he needs compassionate leave to support him.

OP, what happened today?

kkloo · 15/04/2024 17:40

JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2024 16:45

What his father actually needs to have done (I guess it's today?) was to have spoken with his manager and informed them his son is in crisis and threatening to kill himself, his ex wife has washed her hands of her own son, and he needs compassionate leave to support him.

OP, what happened today?

More misogyny.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 15/04/2024 17:45

kkloo · 15/04/2024 17:40

More misogyny.

Show quote history

Are you answering the question of what happened today or saying that this post is misogynistic ?

Newestname002 · 15/04/2024 17:46

@justbecool25

How are you doing today OP? 🌹

GoldEagle · 15/04/2024 17:59

Can his mother not help? You will never be able to live with yourself if anything happened to him.

thepastinsidethepresent · 15/04/2024 18:01

kkloo · 15/04/2024 17:40

More misogyny.

Show quote history

How on earth is it misogynistic to suggest a father should step up for his own son?

AnnieSnap · 15/04/2024 18:11

Yes IMO you are being unreasonable. Coffee and shopping with friends will always be there, your stepson may not be if he is genuinely suicidal. He is your partner’s child. He and his welfare should be a priority for you.

thepastinsidethepresent · 15/04/2024 18:13

He is your partner’s child.

Exactly. He and the boy's mother should be ensuring appropriate care is in place. OP is already helping as much as she can (and she did say she would probably cancel her plans btw) and deserves some respite.

RecklessGoddess · 15/04/2024 18:22

Why can't you partner just ask work if it's OK to bring his son in, it's just one day, I'm sure they won't mind and would give him the chance to properly see what his dad does for a living!

kkloo · 15/04/2024 18:26

thepastinsidethepresent · 15/04/2024 18:01

How on earth is it misogynistic to suggest a father should step up for his own son?

Show quote history

The misogyny is the bit where she said the mother has washed her hands of her son, when all the OP has said is that the child went to live with them a month ago because the mum said she can't cope with him struggling.....and considering the son has been struggling for 3 years then I would imagine it has been deeply overwhelming and stressful.
The poor woman was probably at the point of breakdown.
Are mothers never allowed to struggle or admit that they're struggling?
If a mother is unable to cope and asks the other parent to step up then does that mean she's washing her hands of her child.

Shesellsseashellsunluckyshespoor · 15/04/2024 18:30

If it was a regular thing (ie you were off a Monday every week and you were being asked to lose that) I would be inclined to say no you’re not being unreasonable
but honestly (and I say this gently) in this one off instance I think you are being a little unreasonable

I mean realistically if SS was left alone and anything unthinkable happened would you ever be able to live with yourself knowing you may have prevented it - would your DH???

Its a really difficult circumstance though OP and you’re in a really tough position, I’m sorry and hope your SS can get the help he needs

croydon15 · 15/04/2024 18:30

You're very unreasonable, could you live with yourself if something happened to this lad while you are enjoying your coffee, you can make alternative plan.

lemming40 · 15/04/2024 18:38

And if he kills himself whilst you're out having coffee how would you feel? It's one day, just invite your friend round.

Acommonreader · 15/04/2024 18:40

WarshipRocinante · 13/04/2024 23:17

I would give up my day off to watch a friend’s kid in this situation. But you’d rather go for a coffee and a walk round the shops than sit with this suicidal child you supposedly care for? I hope your partner realises who you really are and leaves you.

This 100% !!! I would gladly would miss a coffee for a potentially suicidal teenager I didn’t know let alone my step son. I hope he never finds out how little he means to you. He needs support not to be considered a nuisance.

burnttoad · 15/04/2024 18:41

lemming40 · 15/04/2024 18:38

And if he kills himself whilst you're out having coffee how would you feel? It's one day, just invite your friend round.

Or invite the kids mum around to parent her child

Keeper11 · 15/04/2024 18:41

It is hard to forego your day with your friend, but I am afraid this comes with the territory of being part of a family. You will find umpteen people giving up treats in order to support a friend of family member.

Buffs · 15/04/2024 18:44

in these particular circumstances, I would stay with your stepson.

burnttoad · 15/04/2024 18:45

@kkloo

Can you give me the details of these hospitals that people get to go to when they're overwhelmed, struggling to cope and need a break please?
If the mother is so beyond functioning that she can't spend a day with her son then she is clearly not in any fit state ti parent her other dc. Perhaps SS needs to be contacted on their behalf

PinkFishies · 15/04/2024 18:50

@justbecool25 how is your DSS at the moment OP?

Chemistrychic · 15/04/2024 18:50

You are 'just' the step mum but in this circumstance DSS doesn't want to stay with his mum and whilst it is your dh's responsibility he has made a life with you as partners and has asked a favour as a one off. As someone who lost somebody to suicide, not much older than your dss please do whatever you can to help. It destroys lives. It almost destroyed mine.