To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

She hasn't been asked to spend the day with her son so we don't know if she is able to.
I think that she should be asked. But your posts are coming across like 'make the mother do it' even though you don't know if she is able to do it at the moment. No one would be saying that if it was the father. But when it's mothers it's like 'make her'. As I said earlier on the thread I can see why women go missing!!

Also I don't think it works like that anyway, I'm in Ireland and know a couple of families where some of the kids went to respite foster care while the others remained at home. Presumably it's the same in the UK.

Tell his mum to take a day off and watch him.

I would stay home with your SS or take him with you. You obviously can’t let him out of your sight. In these circumstances you need to put him first. There will be other days off for coffee.

Are mothers never allowed to struggle or admit that they're struggling?

Of course they are. But I still don't see the misogyny, it's this specific mum's actions (or lack thereof) that are being criticised. It's not misogynistic per se to criticise a mother, or any woman for that matter.

I can imagine the stress you are all going through.

Been the "safe haven" safety net for a child cutting herself - but only by virtue of being very close to this child, by virtue of her beng DD's close friend during Covid. She went straight into our Covid bubble child care.

But I am not understanding your family dynamics.

Right now is exam time. It's the trigger point for ALL stressed children. It's the time when stressed children, you never saw coming, go off into the woods and hang themselves. Because they don't want to disappoint, repeat exams, are overwhelmed.

Just why would you not be 100% there for your step-child at this specific time???

Why is a coffee with a friend more important?

I suspect it's because you're also very stressed and want time out. I expect the parents are going nuts with worry.

I suspect you don't feel valued and everyone you're connected to is exhausted.

But hint. Every child in an exam year is in kittens between now and August. Every child is imagining the worst. They're in their worst hormones.

If you can be there. If you can help support. Especially as he is suicidal.

If you can suck it up. It's like when you have an ulcer in your mouth - it feels so much bigger than it really is.

My honest advice is, unless you're at breaking point, make sure he is not on that one day the parents respect you enough to look after him.

This is a very simplistic answer and I’m sure they wish it was that easy but depression is crippling and debilitating and the person suffering can’t always act practically and reasonably.

Isn't it feasible for your dh to not go to the office this time given he has a suicidal son.

Appreciate lots of people saying YABU, however you dH is making this woman's work.

It's is son. He should tell his boss and explain he needs to be at home until things improve.

Any working mother would have to do the same thing.

You don't see it as misogynistic that when a mother says she can't cope with her child after years of dealing with something so distressing and overwhelming and the child has only lived with his dad for ONE MONTH that she is accused of washing her hands of that child?

A mother needing a break or needing the father to step in for a while as the main carer should not be accused of washing her hands of her child.

All the OP said was that he moved in with them because the mother said she couldn't cope, not that she had washed her hands of him or anything of the sort.

A father in this situation would never be accused of washing his hands of the child if up until one month ago he had had the child full time, he would very much be seen as a great dad who had just reached breaking point. He'd also be seen as fabulous for having majority custody for all of the previous years.

But God forbid a woman ever gets to the point where she can't cope and asks the other parent to take the majority of the load for a while because she will get judged harshly.
As I said, I can see why women disappear.

This could go disastrously wrong if someone is in the middle of a serious mental health crisis.

Being forced to go out and watch all the 'normal' people living a 'normal' life while inside you were being tormented and thinking you shouldn't be alive and that no one understands your pain could be very harmful.

As could people forcing you to go out when you wanted to stay in feeling like you wanted to die. It could feel like the people who are supposed to care about you are not listening or taking you seriously therefore you didn't matter so what was the point in even trying to stay alive.

YABVVVVU

You would have had a point if your solution hadn’t been to co-opt the next nearest female to take over the role of parenting DSS.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable! I thought you were saying it was going to be every week but to do something selfless one day a month for such a sensitive reason and going out for a coffee is more important?! Wow!

I would help on this occasion because that poor boy needs someone with him and it sounds very serious. Also, your poor partner must be so worried. What a horrible situation.

Do you often take a holiday to have ac day to yourself? Because for most people it's a special day, So it's actually worse, because op spends part of her weekends looking after DS and now even that rare holiday is giving up time with friend.

I was about to post the same. Kind of shot a hole in your own argument there @kkloo.

The “next-nearest female” is the child’s step parent ffs.

That's NOT my solution though.

In this case it seems the dad is pretty much always there, he works from home apart from having to go to the office once per month (which is the day he asked the OP to stay and watch the son).

The only other time the OP mentioned staying with him was every second Saturday when he goes to football, and it doesn't sound like football has been on during this current crisis, or that the OP was on suicide watch on those Saturdays, I thought she was just choosing to spend time with him and stay in the house, and that she wasn't asked to or expected to.

So it seems like the OP has been asked to keep an eye on him just this one day,
It would be different if the dad was pushing most of the parenting onto the OP, but that's not what's happening here.

OP doesn't have to do it, but I can't see her relationship surviving that. It would be different if she didn't want to because the sense of responsibility was overwhelming, but when it's because she wants to go out with her friend then I can't see her husband forgiving or forgetting that.

Stay with your DSS. It's only a day. Also, get DP to tell the school to stop pressuring about exams (there is always next year ffs).

Eh no I didn't because the dad works from home and only goes to the office one day a month and seems to do most of the parenting himself.
It would be completely different if he was expecting the OP to be the main parent.

But it doesn't sound like the dad has made any attempt to move things so he doesn't have to go in, which as pps have pointed out, is surely something his employers would be sympathetic to if he explained. Except oh no, other half has got the day off, that's handy, she can cancel her plans and do suicide watch so he doesn't have to bother explaining anything to his boss. Sorted, never mind whether OP is coping or should have to cope to the degree she is doing.
And as far as not being the main parent, it isn't actually on OP to do anything in respect of this. It's terrible that her SS is suffering this way and she has been doing what decent humans do and helping as best she can, but the boy's parents (or his dad if the mum is temporarily unable to cope) are his main carers. And yet OP's being torn to shreds (despite the fact that she did say she'd probably cancel) for admitting that she wants one day of respite? Her partner gets to sail merrily off out to football and get his respite time thanks to OP holding the fort, but OP isn't entitled to one measly day of respite for herself?
I see misogyny on this thread all right. But not in the same places you're seeing it in.

Whether the mum is on the scene or not is immaterial. The boy is suicidal. It could be any boy, any girl, any person in desperate straits, related to you or not. Surely the human duty is to help, to ensure the person doesn't have the opportunity to suicide. There are times I don't dare to leave my DP by himself. How important is a catch-up with a friend against a life?

I'm with this one op

Oh just realised this was posted few days ago and it's Monday today.... what did you decide to do OP?

It's one day a month.

A child who has a history of being suicidal. Who doesn't want their mum. And their dad is asking his PARTNER for help for one day.

I really hope no member of your family ever needs you for support. Because step-family is still FAMILY. It's just chosen instead of blood.