Page 27 | To not want to give up my day off?

justbecool25 · 2024-04-13T21:43:18+00:00

I suspect I might be BU I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much. His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight. He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree. I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

Jack80 · 15/04/2024 20:55

Can your friend come round for coffee?

ladyinka · 15/04/2024 21:06

I lost my sister to suicide mid pandemic as we were not allowed to be with her keeping the watch 24/7 whilst the health care professionals were momentarily on duty elsewhere.

I’d give a lifetime of my days off to be able to be there with her then.

Noyesnoyes · 15/04/2024 21:08

ladyinka · 15/04/2024 21:06

I lost my sister to suicide mid pandemic as we were not allowed to be with her keeping the watch 24/7 whilst the health care professionals were momentarily on duty elsewhere.

I’d give a lifetime of my days off to be able to be there with her then.

I'm sorry

kkloo · 15/04/2024 21:42

thepastinsidethepresent · 15/04/2024 20:32

But it doesn't sound like the dad has made any attempt to move things so he doesn't have to go in, which as pps have pointed out, is surely something his employers would be sympathetic to if he explained. Except oh no, other half has got the day off, that's handy, she can cancel her plans and do suicide watch so he doesn't have to bother explaining anything to his boss. Sorted, never mind whether OP is coping or should have to cope to the degree she is doing.
And as far as not being the main parent, it isn't actually on OP to do anything in respect of this. It's terrible that her SS is suffering this way and she has been doing what decent humans do and helping as best she can, but the boy's parents (or his dad if the mum is temporarily unable to cope) are his main carers. And yet OP's being torn to shreds (despite the fact that she did say she'd probably cancel) for admitting that she wants one day of respite? Her partner gets to sail merrily off out to football and get his respite time thanks to OP holding the fort, but OP isn't entitled to one measly day of respite for herself?
I see misogyny on this thread all right. But not in the same places you're seeing it in.

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Yes it doesn't sound like that and he should have tried to change the day, but a lot about it doesn't really add up, like him saying he doesn't want to ask the mum because he doesn't trust her to watch him because she has younger kids, yet he was fine leaving him with the mum until a month ago and only took him in when the mum said she couldn't cope.

And no she doesn't have to do anything, but I can't see the relationship surviving tbh if she doesn't. If I was in that situation and asked my partner to take over suicide watch one day and he told me he didn't want to because he had a day planned with his mates then I don't think I'd ever get over it, it would be completely different if he said he wouldn't be able to deal with the responsibility on his own though and didn't want to be in that position.

You keep talking about respite but this current crisis has only been for the past few days, I don't think the dad has been to football in that time, and it sounds like the 'suicide watch' has only been in the past few days and I think that's why the OP got torn apart. I certainly wasn't one of the ones who tore her apart though.

My responses about the situation would be no different if the OP was a male partner to a woman with a suicidal child so I hope that you are implying that I'm one of the ones being misogynistic because I am about as far from misogynistic as can be.

adviceneeded1990 · 15/04/2024 21:54

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 15/04/2024 20:55

A child who has a history of being suicidal. Who doesn't want their mum. And their dad is asking his PARTNER for help for one day.

I really hope no member of your family ever needs you for support. Because step-family is still FAMILY. It's just chosen instead of blood.

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This! The amount of people on here who dismiss a stepchild/stepparent like it’s a relationship you’d have with the next door neighbour is mental!

Bugbabe1970 · 15/04/2024 22:00

Wow!
And it’s CAMHS

Jumpers4goalposts · 15/04/2024 22:01

It’s not that you are BU but it is one day invite your friend to your house for coffee?

It comes down to how would you feel if something happened to him while you were out having coffee?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/04/2024 22:01

Imagine you had a child and your spouse said this to you.....
Would you even tell your friend that you met her over watching your dss?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 15/04/2024 22:31

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/04/2024 22:01

Imagine you had a child and your spouse said this to you.....
Would you even tell your friend that you met her over watching your dss?

She isnt his spouse though.

and he is happy to go off to football every fortnight. And not concerned enough to plan his time to make aure this doesnt happen.

JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2024 23:20

Absolutely - that's where mysogyny lies, flipping the responsibility of his own son over to the next woman in line instead of arranging his day to be with his son.

kkloo · 15/04/2024 23:39

JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2024 23:20

Absolutely - that's where mysogyny lies, flipping the responsibility of his own son over to the next woman in line instead of arranging his day to be with his son.

I do think that her partner is coming across as misogynistic because of what has been said about the ex too, but it's hard to know when the OP hasn't provided more details.

However, I think a lot of the responses on this thread would be the exact same and some would be worse if it was a man who posted and said his partner asked him to stay with her son and he didn't want to because it was his one day off and he wanted to go out with his friend.

Menopausalandgrumpy · 15/04/2024 23:54

Sorry but I think YABU. It’s part of life and being a family to sometimes sacrifice your own happiness to help someone out.
But maybe it’s because I’ve done more than my fair share of supporting friends and family with MH issues. Maybe this is selfish but part of my motivation is thinking of the worst scenario and working backwards and imagining what could happen. He’s not in a good place, just be the better person but make it clear to your DP that he can’t assume you’ll always be able to step in. Bluntly knowing what I do about mental illness I won’t even hesitate to say yes in this scenario. It’s not a huge ask all things considered, to support your partner.

VeryHappyBunny · 16/04/2024 00:06

Legally she is not the step-parent as she is not married to the boy's father and even if she were, that would not automatically bestow any rights or impose any obligations on her in respect of the child. So before anybody else starts throwing around all the guilt-tripping nonsense about what you should do for a step-child (darling or otherwise) get your facts straight. To look after someone else's child is a massive responsibility in itself before you even factor in the possibility of self harm or suicide.

When I was in hospital, if someone was in danger of injuring themselves (simply by getting out of bed on their own) and had to be watched it was by fully trained healthcare professionals who had extensive back-up in case of an incident and then only for a couple of hours at a time after which they would be relieved by a colleague.
So to expect a lone, untrained person to be on suicide watch all day is ridiculous.

kkloo · 16/04/2024 00:56

VeryHappyBunny · 16/04/2024 00:06

Legally she is not the step-parent as she is not married to the boy's father and even if she were, that would not automatically bestow any rights or impose any obligations on her in respect of the child. So before anybody else starts throwing around all the guilt-tripping nonsense about what you should do for a step-child (darling or otherwise) get your facts straight. To look after someone else's child is a massive responsibility in itself before you even factor in the possibility of self harm or suicide.

When I was in hospital, if someone was in danger of injuring themselves (simply by getting out of bed on their own) and had to be watched it was by fully trained healthcare professionals who had extensive back-up in case of an incident and then only for a couple of hours at a time after which they would be relieved by a colleague.
So to expect a lone, untrained person to be on suicide watch all day is ridiculous.

You're ignoring the reality of the situation though.

No, a step-parent does not legally have any rights or obligations bestowed on them.
However in a real life situation people generally are going to expect their partner to help them. And if they don't then that will be likely to have consequences for the relationship.

Just like if it were a friend and they asked you to sit in with their child, if you said no it's possible the friendship wouldn't recover from it.

There are things that people do for other people when they're in close relationships with them or when they're family, not because they're legally required to but because family and friends do tend to support each other and help each other out in times of crisis, there is no legal obligation to, but there often will be consequences if they don't.

Relationships will break down, friendships can end, in the case of refusing to care for elderly parents the kids could be cut out of the will etc.

As for saying expecting a lone, untrained person to be on suicide watch all day is ridiculous again you're ignoring the reality of the situation or perhaps your understanding of the reality of the situation was warped by your experience with your acquaintence, 2-3 hours from when you were made aware of the crisis to when the ambulance arrived.
That is not the reality for families who are dealing with suicidal people.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jan/18/children-in-england-at-clear-risk-cannot-get-mental-health-bed

Also what you said about hospitals, yes if someone is in hospital there's healthcare professionals and there's back up if needed but once the same person is discharged they're often being looked after by a lone person.

Children in England at clear risk ‘cannot get mental health bed’

Report says young person has to have attempted suicide multiple times to be offered inpatient support

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jan/18/children-in-england-at-clear-risk-cannot-get-mental-health-bed

Firethehorse · 16/04/2024 01:21

This whole situation sounds so distressing for everyone OP.
Of course you deserve a day off from it yourself to meet a friend, but honestly this time don’t because no-one has put a safe alternative in place.
Can you make a cake and invite the friend over for instance?
I’m making assumptions, but it reads like mum has just walked away from all responsibility and isn’t seeing her son, I sincerely hope this is wrong.
Ongoing as you wait for help, please urge your DH to engage the entire family from mum and siblings to grandparents and people DSS likes and trusts. He would benefit from a nurturing network who will take him out and make him engage with nature and the world in general. As you know, he needs to feel loved and that he has a secure place and connections in the family unit and wider. It’s not your responsibility, but as it’s fallen in your lap, does he have any interests you (collectively) can nurture? Him being shut up in a room and you guys being therefore confined to the house sounds awful for all. Can you all go to football for instance? Or National Trust walks, anything to get out and about really?
Don't listen to people putting you down, they have no idea of the continuous worry and drudgery mixed with guilt this kind of situation causes.

Whytoodee · 16/04/2024 01:25

I understand but you are being unreasonable. I don't think you're an unreasonable person but I think you need to see sometimes duties trump fun. It's his mental health. Don't risk it. Plan something nice maybe

WaitingForMojo · 16/04/2024 02:29

Love51 · 15/04/2024 14:15

Because the choices are go to school or fit in with the family. There is nothing to be gained by the entire household shrinking their lives to the depression. If op is put in the position of caretaker and SS can't be home alone then he tags along. (As I suggested upthread he can wander round the shops, he doesn't have to sit with op and her mate the whole time) This way he isn't be excluded but his illness doesn't start to dominate more of the family than it already does.
Yes it won't be the most fun spontaneous coffee trip ever but it stops op falling into the role of isolated carer.

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Tell me you have no clue without telling me you have no clue!

EmeraldA129 · 16/04/2024 06:13

Id cancel your coffee date. Or ask them to come to you instead.

PerkySnail · 16/04/2024 06:53

YABU. This child is very vulnerable, needs support and has told you he is having suicidal thoughts. If that was your son, would you be on here asking the same question? I'm sure you would have cancelled with your friend or asked your friend to come to yours. Sorry but I can't believe you could even ask. You'd never forgive yourself if he did anything and you would never be able to face your husband again.

Shesellsseashellsunluckyshespoor · 16/04/2024 07:01

PenguinLord · 15/04/2024 20:17

Do you often take a holiday to have ac day to yourself? Because for most people it's a special day, So it's actually worse, because op spends part of her weekends looking after DS and now even that rare holiday is giving up time with friend.

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No never unfortunately my job is in education so it means I can’t take a random
day off for myself - I imagine if I could though I would massively look forward to it so I think you’re totally right and it would be worse for OP
I hadn’t realised originally either that DSS mother would actually be available to look after him (I had assumed she was working) but now I see she is available I completely agree OP is not at all being unreasonable

Pipkin1234 · 16/04/2024 07:11

I'm sorry but I think you'll have to watch him on this occasion. There isn't a safe alternative in place. I know all too well how awful this situation is and how a break is desperately needed. Just get an alternative in place, because if he is left alone, you don't know what might happen.

NearJohnLewis · 16/04/2024 07:23

Dartwarbler · 14/04/2024 13:44

For people saying , this is an emergency and they’d step in for any teen in this situation…from what OP has said this is not a one off. It is a chronic long term mental illness. This station is going to arise over and over again. The teen has already had his own mum abdicate responsibility and have dad ride in like the hero to “rescue” son form the mums “poor environment”, and then this same hero is expecting this convenient “surplus spouse” to pick up dealing with that situation.

i looked after my spouse, by choice, with mental illness for 20 years. It broke me as it does, if you read the statistics, in 50% of carer cases. Yep, 50% of people caring for someone with mental illness go on to develop mental health issues of their own.

dealing with someone with self harm or suicide ideation, or any other miriad of delusions or hallucinations or not like looking after scene with physical illness- and god know that is hard enough.

it already sounds like dad is on a road to mental health issues by agreeing to mum delegating parenteral duties, and believing sleeping in same room as his son is a long term success strategy. This is at best a very unwise strategy, and at worst will make dad ill, and divorced.

and the bottom line here is, neither parent has got far enough in pushing for mental health services. I know exactly how bad it is, before anyone lectures me. Exh with schizophrenia for 20 years taught me that. Care in the community is a fallacy. And crisis teams are a scarce resource. As for sectioning - stuff of unicorns. And if I hadn’t learnt enough from experience with exh, I now have a dad who’s ended up being sectioned due to dementia, and is still being dumped from one DOL unit under a 117 order to another. But, you have to fight . I sat in the head of mental health services office ant one point and refused to budge until a care plan was instigated thst actually met my exh needs . Sounds like parents are all too reliant on playing ping pong between themselves in trying to “fix” their son themselves and then giving up and passing the role like a baton when they exhaust themselves.

it is NOT sustainable they continue this way. Both parents need to be doing the carer role. They both need to be fighting in pursuing correctly support services. They should be working as a parenting team to ensure both get down time, and neither just dumps on other (as mum has) and then when that goes tits up starting to dump on the “surplus spouses “

I had to separate in the end from my exh and his illness to protect my own health and well-being. His illness changed the dynamics of our marriage. I did not love him as a husband, I was more like his mother, for years. I had all the appalling and selfish thoughts you get in that situation- resentment, loneliness, anger etc. To expect a step parent to be able to be more compassionate than that over years, for a child who is not biologically hers, and has a biologically father and mother, is naive and delusional.

Yes, all those that say they’d step in to do this for anyone. Sure, for one day and then you get to go home and distress, relax and have a goods night sleep. Or maybe you could manage a week knowing, at the end of that week you can get up and walk away. But this is 24/7 with no end. This teen has a chronic condition, that, with continuing lack of professional expert intervention, will probably, if anything, get worse before it gets better, you’re berating a women as a heartless bitch, by totally under-estimating what carers of mentally ill people go through.

Yes I work in mental health. And some of these posts are ignorant at most and naive at best.

I also don’t think it’s right for the confidentiality and safety of the child for people to keep suggesting the friend comes over for a nice cup of tea and cake.

NearJohnLewis · 16/04/2024 07:27

TheaBrandt · 14/04/2024 14:45

Very easy to virtue signal and say you would step in. I sure as hell would not want to be in sole charge of someone else’s suicidal teen. No bloody way. I am not trained or in any way equipped to deal with an extreme mental health condition in someone else’s child. The parents need to do the care themselves or get the appropriate professionals to. This isnt watching someone’s toddler while you go to the dentist. It’s too much to ask.

Quite. If something happened, the ramifications, blame etc would be huge. People are assuming they would just be sitting in the house offering tea and sympathy every hour. If the boy actually made an attempt on his life and/or succeeded on her watch, the consequences could be unbearable for the OP and the marriage.

NearJohnLewis · 16/04/2024 07:30

mamajong · 14/04/2024 15:01

Yabu, how would you feel I'd you go for coffee and something happens? When you blend a family you take on everything that comes with that which includes supporting your SC in the same way as you would your own. Dh and I share the responsibility for our DC and base it on who is free, not just focusing on our own kids. They are 16 and need love a d support. Surely your friend could just come for coffee at yours and you can shop online this once??

Surely your friend could just come for coffee at yours and you can shop online this once??

And should the friend then be told the boys’s MH issues? What about his right to privacy? What if the boy tried to hang himself and the friend was there? Is that fair to any party?

NearJohnLewis · 16/04/2024 07:41

VeryHappyBunny · 15/04/2024 00:40

If I ever had a problem or quandary I would certainly not be relying on you bunch of judgemental, sanctimonious characters for any sort of understanding or empathy. I can't imagine too many people would risk seeking advice of this sort more than once.

I haven't seen if his violent tendances are directed only towards himself or towards others as well but if he was to become agitated and attacked her

The worst thing about your other comment is that you mentioned potential violence to others and ‘attack’. As someone who works with mentally unwell adults, I am sick of the stigma that portrays mentally unwell patients as violent. The media is the worst. It’s so damn damaging.

Please be careful with the words you use. There was nothing to suggest this young man was a risk to others yet you had to raise it. It makes me angry.