He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

No it's not insurance against being raped...nor did I say it was.

I'm making the point that men should actually truly appreciate the fact that a woman has agreed to go on a date with him, considering the risk they're taking.

Dating, sex and relationships are never going to be equal when men commit the vast majority of sexual and violent crime.

I can't stand men who are obsessed and paranoid about women being gold diggers so I would have no desire to pass their stupid test. I mean if you're a billionaire with various yachts and private jets I might get the point. But honestly if your Jim from accounts who drives a Corsa and lives in a one bed flat, have a word with yourself.

Jesus Christ.

Anyone that aims for a 30 quid meal is a shit gold digger, and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

This did make me laugh.

I wouldn't want to be with someone so paranoid either.

I would find it a turn off if someone sent me their bank details and then asked for another date. Surely if he likes you then he's going to wait and see what happens on date 2. I suppose if he didn't want another date it seems fair he asks for half the money but to not look tight round it down to £30.

Excellent post. I also applaud @Comedycook and @FakeMiddleton and @aperolspritzbasicbitch and @cliovillee and @MsLuxLisbon for all their posts too. I haven't been on much today (have been working!) but there have been some excellent posts backing up/explaining why we believe men SHOULD pay on a first date, and why many women want them to. A number of other posters think this too, apologies for not mentioning all.

The posters 'sticking it to the patriarchy' and thinking they are equal to men because they (allegedly) always pay for themselves are making me cringe. They'll learn one day. Women do MUCH more than men re; domestic chores/childcare/mental load, AND have lower pay overall... So too right the men can pay when they ask us on a first date! Gotta weed out the tight-arses and the ones who will penny pinch and leave you in penury later on.

I find the so-called feminists on here who always split everything 50-50 with 'da menz' so rude towards women who don't think we should. Call themselves feminists, and brag about how they get sooooo much more income than any man they know, but don't give a stuff about the women who are NOT in that position, and will/may depend on a man's money more in the future. (When they have children, or if she is ill and can't work etc...)

And calling a woman a gold-digger because they want a man to pay on a first date is the most spectacularly stupid comment on here. NO woman is a gold-digger unless the man is super rich/a multi millionaire. Women are not 'gold-diggers' when they've chosen to go on a date with Steve the HR worker who earns £35K a year. LMFAO! 😆

Like a pp said, I am sick to death of these 'feminists' claiming women are 'letting the side down' because they want to stay at home (or work part time,) and be supported financially (all or in-part,) by their husbands, whilst they raise the kids/be the homemaker. If it suits both parties, it's got fuck-all to do with anyone else.

Feminism is about women HAVING THE CHOICE. Some women who work full time/support themselves financially/pay 50-50 with the men, seem to have a huge problem with women who don't!

Methinks some 'feminists' are jealous because some women have managed to find a kind and generous man, whilst they're stuck with Mr 50-50, and can't give up work or cut their hours, because he refuses to support her.

Right?! What a low bar!

Any man who thought a £30 sushi bill was a way to "vet the gold diggers" is someone I would have literally no interest in ever seeing again.

Yes, if I was dating and looking for some sort of sugar daddy I’d certainly be aiming higher than £30 of sushi.

Methinks some 'feminists' are jealous because some women have managed to find a kind and generous man, whilst they're stuck with Mr 50-50, and can't give up work or cut their hours, because he refuses to support her.

Amen!

They also like to pretend every woman who opts for the above is a mute idiot!

To the PP who posed whether having the man pay feeds into the "traditional idea" that they're then paying for sex... I get your question, but I also don't give a fuck what he's thinking. His low opinion of women in that moment is his problem, not mine. Not wasting my bandwidth on his penis issues.

👏

Exactly! 👏

TBF there are some posters on MN who see anyone and everyone as a "CF", from non-drivers who occasionally accept a lift to friends who accept you paying for a coffee or a meal.

I can only assume they live in a world where you only do something for someone else if you get something back out of it, rather than because it might be a nice thing to do.

Exactly @cliovillee !

OK, not insurance against, of course that can never be a thing - but you seemed to be suggesting that it was a likely sign of a 'good man' if he paid for your meal.

Nobody is forcing any woman to go on dates with men, but it seems a bit extreme to be expecting a man to 'prove' that he isn't one of the bad ones by paying money on your behalf. In a way, it kind of reminds me of the people who insist on checking their partner's phone all the time, on the grounds that plenty of people do cheat, so they may well be one of them.

Besides, a first date isn't like a job interview - you can't rely on it to know whether you have a decent man or a bad one; it takes a lot more time and effort getting to know somebody before you would consider making any commitment to them.

I beg to differ - a first date IS like a job interview. Not in the formal sense but there are certainly some things, when I was dating, that I wanted to know straight away otherwise there was absolutely no point whatsoever pursuing the relationship.

I was quite mercenary about it but I have 0 regrets as it meant I didn't waste my time with men who didn't want the same things as I did and didn't have the same values as I did.

Fair play to you - I'm only passing on what I hear. I've not dated in years myself, but I've heard it's a total jungle when it comes to app dating these days from my friends that do, so maybe everything looks like a red flag when the dating scene is every man for themselves. If it's a set up through a friend or irl meeting I guess that's a little different. Cost of living crisis, going on many dates each week, being paranoid or stingy - these are all reasons why he might have behaved this way - as I don't know the guy I couldn't say. I guess if she likes him then maybe try a few more dates, if not, sack him off

Yep this. ^ Men need to impress a woman on a first date. And wanting to split the bill TO THE PENNY is not something many women want in a man. It screams penny-pincher, or skint. No woman who has any respect for herself wants to be saddled with a man like that!

Splitting the bill to the penny is not something I even want in a friend let alone a boyfriend. I hate penny pinchers. Reminds me of my Granddad. He was the kind of bloke that if he ever deigned to loan anyone money (which was very rarely) he'd charge you interest when you paid it back.

To the PP who posed whether having the man pay feeds into the "traditional idea" that they're then paying for sex... I get your question, but I also don't give a fuck what he's thinking. His low opinion of women in that moment is his problem, not mine. Not wasting my bandwidth on his penis issues.

No, I 100% agree with you - but I was responding to the suggestion that 'good men' would be much more likely to insist on paying the whole bill.

If you were relying on getting a 'good man' and a 'good date' ending respectfully, based on his willingness to buy you a meal, you could end up very mistaken indeed.

@MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique - ah, I see. It can be a crapshoot in my opinion, based on one particularly momentous occasion about a decade ago

First date. Weird vibes off a guy. Entitlement vibes, he also did performative charity! I pushed to split the bill because I had A Feeling. Really awkwardly pushed. He declined.

He contacted me after the date. I refused a second date.

He then asked me for retroactive reimbursement for my half.

Right. So because you had no chance of a shag, you wanted your £30 or something back? Ugh.

You dodged a bullet there @FakeMiddleton

I also have a friend whose boyfriend keeps a running total of things she owes him - like, as in he writes them down in a notebook he carries around with him.

So if they get a takeaway he'll write that down but then also £1.50 - delivery charge or whatever. So he asks her for the 75p! Pathetic.

I know several men like this, and feel deeply sorry for the women with them. And THIS is why women need to vet these tight-arsed turds when they meet them.

It's been a great thread, thank you for starting it @whatasneezeyone

Take care everyone! 😘