He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

@Comedycook

I don't think it is bollocks as you say. It's probably a primal/biological urge to want to procreate with a man who can provide for you and your children.

YES. THIS! 👏 And most women WILL want to have children eventually. I know not all, but most yeah...

@Dacadactyl

It's not about being a princess, it's about having your head screwed on.

The amount of threads where the woman is paying 50 50 on mat leave etc and going into debt is mind-blowing.

Exactly. Not sure why anyone is wasting their time talking to this poster though. It's like filling a bucket with water, when the bucket has a 3" round hole in the bottom! Nothing you say is going to make them change their mind/see anyone's point of view but their own. That is why I have stopped engaging with them.

My vagina clamped shut when I read his ridiculous hint to get a try of your mochi. Begging like a little pass agg boy.

Nah.

Next.

So you can't tell if a man is going to be manipulative/abusive by how he is on a first date?

I think it is a problem if he can't foot the whole bill. If he can't pay for dinner HTF is he going to do real shit in life...like pay the mortgage?

He's not safe and secure. Or, worse, he's financially safe but just tight AF. Either way, he's not partner material.

😆

Very petty. Avoid.

Seems like he is not in great financial shape or just wanted to save face with the waiter

Would have been nice if he asked for the transfer before leaving the restaurant

Since you agreed to go halves beforehand I dont see anything wrong with him asking - dating is expensive and with CoL and everything…

BTW, my BF dont expect me to pay for anything but I treat him sometimes, however - this is the dynamic we entered on date 1 and I know he can afford

It's becoming rather tiresome to see posters accused of being men just because they have a different opinion - especially when those doing the accusing bang on about people not being willing to listen to a different point of view.

I think there can be definite signs, yes. What I am saying is they won’t always be the same signs. It’s best not to have a cookie cutter approach to sensing how someone is - trust your gut, it won’t always be the same issues to look out for.

There you go again monologuing and ranting

Mmmmm! Sounds a tad mean. Don't think I would be too keen on another date. Mind you I'm a completely different generation. Different 'rules of engagement ' When I dated, the guy would pay dinner but I would always say . I will take care of the drinks. That way I was in no way beholden to him! Likewise if I was just out for drinks the guy would usually pay .Again I would say let's have a Takeaway. I will pay for the food! However ,if on a first date I heard the words "We'll just go Dutch" I payed my half but there was no second date! That was the old days. I should really be on Nanasnet! 😆

Seems a bit off to judge him on potentially being skint when it was your card that declined!

You say you just needed to enter a PIN but maybe he thought that was an excuse to save face and you couldn't afford to eat out so he jumped in to cover it but obviously you agreed to go halves so you need your pay your way

How do you get to there, when they've agreed to split the bill on a first date?!

This particular man's odd behaviour was the making a scene and preventing OP from settling her bill - but also offering to cover it for her and then change his mind again later.

Leaving aside this particular example, how does a man know that a woman is any good with money and can pay her fair share of the mortgage if she can't pay any/half/all of the bill for a meal?!

This is 2024: women can earn money too and can be trusted to make responsible financial decisions. Not all women do make wise decisions, just as not all men do; but it seems an extremely old-fashioned starting point of thinking that your joint financial wellbeing is solely down to the man and, if he isn't up to the task, a woman wouldn't have any agency to better her own position and would needs must go broke too like a poor defenceless child.

If he thought she didn't have enough money to pay at the time where did he think she was going to get the money from so soon after? She either had the money or didn't. And if she didn't she wouldn't have it to transfer to him.

He'd have to be extremely stupid if he doesn't realise how modern everyday payment systems work. I wonder if he also sees water falling from the sky and starts screaming and panicking about what an unmitigable disaster it is for humanity, instead of just sighing and grabbing a decent coat or umbrella?

I don't know how many times it has to be repeated on this thread: OP's card was not declined; a contactless payment using it was declined, based on a very standard and common algorithm that would be familiar to almost all adults, meaning that everybody periodically has to enter their PIN when required.

As an analogy, if you use Scan & Shop at the supermarket (or whatever name they give it), normally you just press 'finish' or similar and pay for what you've scanned; but sometimes, the assistant will be required to scan some items in your trolley before you're allowed to pay and leave with your shopping. If this happens, whilst slightly irritating in holding you up a little longer, it does not mean that you have been stealing or that you are being accused of stealing - it is just a very standard procedure, that makes no real difference at all to an honest shopper, to guard against actual thieves/fraudsters being given a green light to do their worst every single time.

Ditch him - he obviously doesn’t know how to treat a lady!

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique

I don't think using Scan & Shop will work as an analogy, as I begin to suspect that some of our fellow users haven't gone shopping in person for approximately five years. Like the late Queen, they never carry money or debit cards!

I think men paying is outdated. You were meant to split it, he shouldn’t have had to ask you. Maybe he was just embarrassed so paid, or didn’t want you to feel embarrassed. Or you could have offered to pay next time.

Read the thread - or at least OP's posts.

As with most MN threads, you rarely get the whole story just from the thread title.

@MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique

1. it's quite easy to get to their - the guy's fannying about being cringe over about £30. That's how.

2. no, that's the only odd behaviour to you.

3. IDK how any man or my husband worked out I was good with money or any other attribute. That's his problem to work out.

4. It is indeed 2024, so it's odd you assume I or one would think our joint financial well-being is down to the one with XY chromosomes. I was a top rate taxpayer before I met my DH. I'm more than capable. But I won't be the breadwinner. That's not for me. I don't want to HAVE to be the adult. Doesn't mean I can't.

I don't expect you to agree. It's the way I think. And it's served me pretty well.

Gah, *there

This one wins!!! 😱

Can you imagine if you'd carried on the relationship... say you were moving in together... trying to navigate buying a toaster, or an electric bill if you had longer showers... the expenses associated with getting married or having children... 😶

I'm off to bed now, but will be having nightmares about life with this man.

So just because there are two mochi on your plate you are supposed to share? Ha ha ha ha!

He actually asked for £31.22? Not £30?

i was on the fence with this one, but I don’t think he’d be my cup of tea.

TBH, if you feel unsure after date 1, you’re probably best cutting your losses instead of trying to ignore your gut.

I don't really see an issue.
You agreed to go halves, then get pissed off when he wants his half. I wouldn't find this such a huge issue that I blocked someone and didn't see them again. I think we're all being a tad fussy these days, too much choice!

However, you do you. If you felt uncomfortable by whatever it was that happened, and you aren't into him and don't wish to see him again, that's totally your choice, so trust your gut I guess.