He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

I will never understand it, and no one on various threads has offered any explanation other than "the man should pay

I'll answer.

Men as a class are inherently quite dangerous. They can and do rape and murder women. This is worst case scenario. Most men are much stronger physically than most women. This creates danger. Even if a man isn't criminally minded and dangerous, he has the ability to get you pregnant and fuck off leaving you to deal with the consequences.

It's actually a wonder given that, that women are willing to let men into their lives.

If a woman does like a man enough to be prepared to take this risk, then a small acknowledgement of this risk is not unreasonable and paying for dinner is actually not a lot to ask for.

On top of this most men will expect a woman they date to maintain a basic level of grooming...this is not cheap in terms of time or money.

@AhNowTed - yep, pretty much. What I would do (I'm married now), was I would say to them "oh, there's an exhibition at X. Would you like to go with me", and as I'm a member of a lot of places with a +1, I'd "pay" that way. Likewise "I've got tickets to a concert" or whatever. Perhaps I'd also get them little token gifts if they'd mentioned something etc etc

I love giving gifts or sending little notes in snail mail, so that's how I'd reciprocate. But I can safely say I have never ever split the bill at a restaurant or a holiday or hotel or whatever.

Oh, and I would phrase such exhibitions very nonchalantly or tag it on to his suggestion to have lunch at X nearby. I have never explicitly invited a guy out or asked him to meet up. I let him do that - he can chase and show me his interest. I'll respond genuinely so I'm not playing games but I've seen so many women hand-wringing over "is he interested?!" That, pffft, he can answer that a for me by showing and chasing and asking

@SabreIsMyFave Women want - and NEED to know that men are going to look after them and be generous from the beginning. As when they have kids, their career and income and whole LIFE will be affected. (Whilst the man's life and career and income DOES NOT CHANGE one iota!) A man that can't or won't stump up the £££ for a first date can get to fuck. No woman should carry on dating Mr 'let's split the bill!'

Er, speak for yourself. My career has gone from strength to strength to the point I am now the main breadwinner in my household. Having babies has not affected my career, its given me the desire to do better. Please don't spout a load of crap like this.

I mean good for you but you're probably in the minority.

I may well be, but its still patronising to suggest a woman's career and income will be affected for her whole life due to having a child. Lots of women go back to work and have a fulfilling career.

This is utterly mad to me
"I'm legitimately scared you might rape or murder me but a £30 pizza and glass of wine in cafe rouge is sufficent incentive to risk it!"

Any "grooming" I choose to do is for my benefit not for a man. If I'm going out somewhere nice I'd dress up whether I was going with my family, friends or on a date. Because it makes me feel good.
Equally I'd also expect a man to maintain a basic level of grooming too!

The idea that a man should owe me a lasagne in acknowledgement of my leg wax is insane.

If everyone just pays for themselves no one owes anyone else anything, no hard feelings or expectations.

Historically men paid because women either didn't have their own money or earned significantly less than men. At the same time women had much fewer rights.

Its hypocritical to happily benefit from everything feminism fought for and achieved but ALSO still want all the benefits of patriarchy.

If one person fancies treating another for any reason, not just on a date) that's fine but its pathetic to expect it.

It's hypocritical to cite feminism and hen not politely accept that some women have made THE CHOICE to do differently to you.

No, it’s not patronising, it’s reality. Look at the statistics.

The gender pay gap is real.
Some women earn as much as more than men. But sadly they are still in the minority.
Even though many women now have income of their own, they still bear the brunt of unpaid labour (childcare, housework, mental and emotional load).
So it's not hypocritical to be a feminist and still to want a man to pay for dinner, if he earns more.
It's not hypocritical to want some appreciation for the unpaid labour that we do.

Feminism is about both sexes having equal rights and opportunities, not celebrating either sex to be cocklodgers or goldiggers.

Also, no woman on here who doesn't split the bill has called one who does "pathetic".

So, for all your "feminism", that's a hell of a way to shit on your sisters.

Expecting someone to sub my dinner solely because they have a penis and I don't isn't exactly a CHOICE worthy of respect in my eyes.

Its not like being a SAHM or something.

Its thinking you should get a free sandwich because you have a vagina. Its illogical

@Akamai - again, heck of an assumption. Because someone wouldn't split the bill on a date, they're a golddigger. Shit, better go tell my husband what an idiot he's been

@1offnamechange - again, it's not because they have a penis. It's because: whoever asked, pays.

@1offnamechange - also, and I'm sure I'm not the only one to have said this, I'm not expecting my dinner to be subbed. If he asked me to split, I would enthusiastically pay, and then never see him again.

And you avoided asking for years, which makes you one of the most money hungry people I’ve ever read about on here.

<twirl>

It is. She's made a blanket and ludicrous statement about all women based on one a situation where a bloke has paid 50/50 on a date.

I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off that so many women STILL think they have the right to tell other women how to do feminism "right".

I am a feminist. I also have never had any kind of desire to have a high powered career. I don't enjoy those kinds of jobs. I never have. I have always been happiest at home. Always - even as a small child. I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. To do that we made a family decision that we would rely on DH's wage. That worked for me, it worked for my kids, it worked for my DH. No one has the right to tell me I'm betraying feminism by doing that. Equality doesn't mean that everything is tit for tat and women have to do exactly XYZ because that's what men always did and that is therefore the "right" way - what a total crock of sexist shit. Equality for me in my relationship means we are both equally respected and heard, that we are happy in how we arrange our finances and grow our family and that we have the right to talk about changes if we're not happy.

It has become clear to me through many years that there are many apparent feminists on MN to whom women who are SAHM, or who earn significantly less than their husbands, or who are willing to accept a man paying for them on a date, or many other things, will never ever be worthy of true acceptance into the invisible feminist clique.

I have a degree (two degrees, in fact). I have a rich, full life. I'm not bored or unfulfilled or unintelligent or downtrodden or any other lazy stereotype you care to mention. In my dating life I was more than happy for a man to pay for a date if he offered to do so (as indeed my DH often did), and I was more than happy to cover the date myself, and I was more than happy to go 50/50.

No, she’s offered a view based on statistical data, not one situation. Don’t be so absurd.

Exactly. Some people on this thread are talking as if equality has been achieved. It hasn't and IMO it probably never will because of the simple fact that women have babies.

Two graduates in the same firm go on a date. She expects him to pay because of some future pay gap? Literally placing herself as deserving of less. Come on!

It's outdated ideas like this that likely perpetuate the pay gap.

@AhNowTed - have you considered that she considers herself as deserving of more BECAUSE he pays? And, no, that doesn't mean she had a price on her head and blah blah blah

It's what SHE believes. She, with her big graduate brain, thinks him paying increases her value. Her CHOICE. Her feminism. Or is she just stupid and pathetic?